tough

he was the only son to his mother. he was the only brother to his three sisters. he was an incredible uncle to six cousins. i miss him daily. march 7th my uncle ed took his first flight. it was a beautiful chilly morning, the first sunny morning in 3 days.

i miss his praise and his criticism. i miss his wise cracks. i miss his prickly kisses on my cheek because he was never clean shaven. i miss how he spoke so highly of all of us kids to his friends. i miss the "hey re" and "you know it" moments. i miss his big smile and how he hated my tennessee volunteers.

i find myself making faces - the ones that used to make him laugh while standing in my yard looking up.

"i'd like to get through a day without crying

night without asking why i cant stop thinking about you

get through a song without thinking

i'm drowning, i'm sinking

wondering how i'm ever gonna get through

but my feet just keep moving

and i know the truth is

nobody gets through life without losing"

oops

i have been posting pics to tumblr (bailey-smith.tumblr.com) on a pretty consistent basis.

anyway, i am down 8 pounds now which is great....but still have 5 to go. not as hardcore as i could be but whatever....slow go is fine.

last night i passed for a 13 year old....boy. yep fun times. waitress thought i was a young fellow anyway and my dad was just contributing to her stupidity. the only cool thing about it was that she said "so buddy, what do you play? drums? guitar? keys? what?" i will assume that it was my plaid shirt and rocker hair. then she proceeded to ask if i wanted to come play at a nursing home! oiy.

down.6.+.

after almost 6 weeks i havent completely changed my diet (and by that i mean hardly at all) i've managed to knock off 6 pounds. i'm not looking for the next 6 (and by that i mean last 6) to take another 6 weeks. in that time i took about 9 days off from working out. i'm digging MOST of p90x....yoga, ab ripper, stretching, cardio, plyo, and kenpo are the only ones i like :) the pull ups and push ups are not cutting it.

last night when i heard the garage door go up and her car door shut i played "i'll be," and when my wife came in, we danced.

today.

20 minute run this morning.

45 minutes of p90x yoga and ab ripperx tonight.

plyometrics starts at 425 tomorrow morning.

water and bed :)

2011

with every new year there are resolutions...i know, right. in 2011 i will strive to change the following.

1. lose 15 pounds. goal weight by spring is 130 - this isn't a resolution or a goal, it's a must.

2. continue hitting the gym at 5 a.m. but increasing from three mornings to five. cardio m/w/f and weights t/th.

3. be more decisive - i cannot make a decision to save my life, seriously.

4. eat healthier.

goodbye.2010.

sad to see 2010 come to an end. i planned a proposal, surprised the girl of my dreams and married her on a florida beach. wonder what 2011 will bring.

christmas is coming.

i have found the five year old within my soul. i love love love christmas and of course the closer it gets to 12/25 the more excited i get. thank goodness the most perfect day of the year is almost here.

cait and i are ready! merry christmas!

new music

what a great season for new tunes.

darius rucker's second album charleston sc 1966 is great.

kenny chesney's hemingway's whiskey is growing on me.

sugarland's incredible machine - most definitely a departure from what was expected after love on the inside, but not in a bad way.

sister hazel - heartland highway, dont bother.

jamey johnson's the guitar song is country at it's best. great writer and solid production.

zac brown - you get what you give - LOVE THESE GUYS.

billy currington's enjoy yourself....i did not :(

COMING SOON -

t.swift - haven't bought it yet....eh

jason aldean's my kinda party - excited about this one. love this dude.

brad paisley - hits alive - interesting way to do a live record...should be good.

reba mcentire's all the woman i am - icon, cant go wrong.

loretta lynn tribute - excited to hear it but "you're the reason our kids are ugly" didnt make it.

ku's get closer - cant wait

rascal flatts - nothing like this - honestly almost over this band...one last shot boys

and that brings us to november 23....my birthday is the dead zone for new releases. sad.

tuesday

cleaning on a tuesday feels like the weekend. couple loads of laundry and then bedtime.

invisible.

for seven years i have wondered, for seven years i have imagined, and for seven years i have missed her.

last night in a sea of people i saw her again. things change from 3-10. she has grown. as i turned around to confirm one of my deepest fears, there she was with her mom. i'm sure her mom was telling her something because the angel nodded my way and i felt the tears pour from my eyes.

i've never felt more alone in a crowd. i was stuck and my heart was pounding. all i could think about was the possibility that her dad was somewhere close by.

our saturday turned to a bigger nightmare when i realized he was in fact about 15 feet from me.

c approached him to get her point across. she was asked to leave. doc surprised me as well.

its a feeling that never goes away when our paths cross - sometimes i think it gets easier and then i am immediately knocked on my ass.

i finally saw her and her big brown eyes saw me - so now the wonder changes to who she thought i was. i feel certain it wasn't a true explanation but what parent wants to explain to their child just how big of a monster their father really is. i understand.

i know it isn't easy loving me or being with me - i have scars on my heart and holes in my soul. i cried more last night than i have in a long time with my past as the cause.

sometimes, i wish i had an eraser. sometimes, i wish i was tough and unaffected. and sometimes, i wish i was invisible.