i knew this morning before my hand turned off the alarm at 5:40 that i would have a rough day. the kind of rough days i had for so long after the incident. the kind of day that i cried, and cried, and cried.
last night i saw my self with colleen and mitchell. i havent "seen" them in a long time. maybe they were dreaming of me and that is how they found their way to me. in fact, i wonder if they even know who i am anymore. i doubt it.
i cried for 10 minutes silently before grabbing my clothes and walking to the bathroom to shower. i put in my brothers contacts and got in the shower, wondering how in one night my vision could be so bad. everything was far away. i hurt my hand reaching for the shampoo bottle and i kicked the side of the tub wall getting out. after i got out, i realized that my contacts were in my drawer and that my brother had left his case where i usually leave mine. lovely.
i get dressed and once in the car, i lost it yet again. as i looked at the gigantic dodge truck behind me i saw colleen's face in his lights. at 6:20 i knew i wouldnt escape their thoughts all day long.
i skipped my 9:30 class because i was cried as the cold hit my face that i went back and sat in the truck. and cried while emailing cait. she is so good to me and i hate when days like this strike because i am a total bitch to everybody.
at 10:45 i went into the science building that i love so much and found an empty bathroom to wash my face in.
i had to leave shorly for a health place tour. i had to drive a girl. she bothers me. badly. she is so superficial that its really hard to describe. we left.
i returned the girl to her walk way and found another spot after we returned to campus. i cried for thirsy minutes. i am certian that everybody who saw me "holding it together" knew something bad was bothering me. even those who had never seen me before.
i got a sandwich from chick fil a and a red powerade as i so often do when i have bad days. i ate it before class started.
on my way home it started again, every second that i was alone today has been spent crying and wondering. today, i ask why. why why why. why do i hold on to things that were done to me. things that i stood up for and the justice system failed the hell out of me and my family as well as the community. WHY is he still living on days when i feel so trapped.
i thought it would be nice to hold addison or maddox. maybe it would cleanse me in some way. i went to the house, no answer. i called, no answer. i could hear maddox in there saying re. i twisted the knob, it was locked. as i left the porch i felt 2 inches tall. i cried. maybe just stopping by there to feel better was a bad idea. my day took a nose dive.
once home i wondered why i was still here. why i felt this way. why i didnt have enough strength to tell my girldfriend who i love so much. who would do anything for me. she still has no idea.
i cried and cried and cried some more since i got home at 2:30. i tried ot sleep and i could see both colleen and mitchell staring at me. i woke up paniced with a wet face. i cried through the "dream."
now its 7:30 and there still steady streams of water, falling from my eyes.
i would give anything in the world to see maddox or addy right now. i know that will not happen.
time to call cait and explain my oddness.
i am sorry i hurt so deeply. i am sorry i have days this bad.
