another graduation and another party is over. it never occurred to me that i would actually graduate again, nor did i really ever think it possible. it is a sigh of relief in a raging fire. i wonder if i will ever be able to approach june without feeling lost and weak, nor do i want too. i rely on so many different people to get me through each day, especially now. i never want to forget or stop feeling, sadly i am still not ready to let it go. i desperately need to be consumed by my thoughts, so i can process them and realize how they really make a human feel when they aren’t repressed within a chemical depression treatment.
perhaps not the smartest endeavor, i decided to take myself off of zoloft yet again. my insurance expires any day now and really, depression/anxiety medication is not an expense i am willing to afford right now. i am aware and alive feeling things i haven’t felt in a year. there is a part of the battered heart and soul that is deadened by zoloft yet it is resurrected at its ceasefire.
the days with sun coming through the window are extremely short while i await the moon beams appearance on the wall. i can pretend in the daylight, it is the darkness that is most terrifying. as painful as it is, i crave the emotional breakdowns that force me to accept my humanity by shaking my foundation to the ground. now that the zoloft is out of my system, i am lost emotionally and it is a relief to know that i haven’t voided myself of the experience to be real with what is ever so present in the back of my day to day for the remainder of the year. knowing how fresh and new this can be ignites a fight within, a struggle that reminds me of what has not been forgotten while endorsing the battles i have yet to endure.
four years that spanned a lifetime yet in the blink of an eye have passed, and i wouldn’t trade it for anything at all. the emotional floods and the mountains of strength i have mastered the portrayal of, are hidden from the world yet they meet me in my darkest hour to prove, each facet of my being, is different from the others. tears blanket my vision, to magnify the truth. memories never fade.
