a decent mood approaching tomorrow until today. as i signed contracts with the casey anthony murder trial in the back ground my mind took off in the otherwise quiet 10x10. i'd date each one, 6/2.
i took a minute to feel my heartbeat in an uncomfortable place. i cried. tears pouring out for a good ten minutes i knew that, for the first time in a long time, i was proud of myself. i made a promise a few years ago to allow myself this day (or two) to remember and to really feel the grit of where i was and where i am. while i feel good about this eighth june 3rd i am sad. the same deep sadness i was eight years ago and every subsequent year. my heart is heavy and once again i feel like i am carrying the world.
i still feel like i need the sadness and terrible memories of the trials, the heartbreak of losing one, elation of winning one, and the rape center that changed my life. i find my strength in progress and the forever changed relationships i cherish. sick and twisted, it is my motivation.
i hurt to my core tonight - lump in throat, tight lungs, and undirected anxiety. i wait. i remember. i live. i love.
