i have thought, and thought, and thought some more about the construction of this trip down a black hole. i have written, and deleted, and written, and edited for the better part of five days. here is what remains.
the bottom line is that i have spent the last year growing. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know what i'm good at. i know that i will never settle for anything short of the best again. i know that i make mistakes...and i learn from them. i know that i care deeply....and fall quickly. i know that there have been days where only jake was around to kiss the tears off my face...and others where my mom stood there and said, you are loved.
wednesday morning while driving to the office, i listened to the incredible machine sugarland record. partly because thursday night was sugarland and two because i knew that i made it. "little miss," had me crying rather instantly.
"little miss down on love, little miss i give up, little miss i'll get tough don't you worry 'bout me anymore."
one year ago friday, my ex walked out on me after ripping me apart from the inside out a month before. were we merely best friends? i can say with confidence, yes. the bomb dropped and imploded from the inside. i was deceived, mislead, lied to, and taken advantage of...it happens. i am a better lover, fighter, woman, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, owner, employee, manager, and overall person for all that i endured in the last year. my mom's a champion. she held me up when my legs failed me. when i thought i could never make it on my own, she moved in and showed me the way.
"little miss one big mess, little miss i'll take less when i always give so much more. it's alright, it's alright, it's alright. sometimes you've got to lose 'til you win. it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, and it will be alright again."
i've learned that being alone is different than being lonely. i've learned that my dad and i are very similar and that we now have the relationship we should have had all along. i've learned that my brother and i while complete and total 180 degree opposites, we are supportive of the right things in each other's lives. over the last year i re-learned independence, confidence, and inspiration/motivation. i fell in love with four children all over again that have shown me that there is so much more to this world than i'll ever know.
"little miss do your best, little miss never rest, little miss be my guest i'll make more any time that it runs out, little miss you'll go far, little miss hide your scars, little miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about."
for the first time in over eight years, i took the time for me. to find the heart that beats, to find my passions, to figure out who i really am. and i'm proud of that person.
"hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved. little miss brand new start, little miss do your part, little miss big ole heart beats wide open she's ready now for love, sometimes you've got to lose until you win. it's alright, it's alright, it's alright...i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay. it'll be alright again."
thursday night was all that it needed to be and more. ms. nettles was amazing.
and with that, onward!
