30.days.of.thankful.

i am thankful:

1. to be loved for who i am and what i'm not. nicole schaeffer makes my heart feel whole, my knees weak, and my stomach flutter. she is the sweetest, truest, most genuine love i've ever known. to be thankful is an understatement.
2. for a mom and dad that are supportive personally and professionally. i'm lucky.
3. for a brother that looks out for me, who grew to  be bigger than me, and now looks older than me.
4. for the rest of my family for the love, support, laughter, and tears. 
5. for a thriving business that gives me a thrill each and every day.
6. for a business partner who is also a best friend - we just get it. don't ask.
7. to be driving my truck - it's a beast (don't tell me otherwise).
8. for each and every apple product that has landed in my hands, lap, desk etc over the last few years. you are loved, appreciated, and obsessed over often. 
9. to be jake's mom. i love him more than words. sweetest fella ever.
10. for my ability to play guitar and be as creative as need be within the confines of my guitar room.
11. to own a second car for sunny days. having the wrangler for the last few years has been one of the greatest joys.
12. for gummy vitamins that i look forward to everyday. and my health.
13. for friends both near and far - there are a select few that make me smile often.
14. to have the freedom that owning a business provides. (could be 30 days of thankful alone).
15. for the gym. hoping that this time around we don't fall out of lust.
16. for my o.c.d. and anxiety - while often a pain in the ass, it makes me who i am (largely).
17. for my home and who i share it with.
18. for hoodies - it's cold as shit outside. 
19. for toms. the keep me looking hip, with a cause, and their start up story inspires.
20. for iTunes and new music tuesdays. i love music and the instantaneous tap of a button on my phones brings me the latest and greatest every week.
21. for cookies because they are delicious even though i can't have them as often since they present a residual weight problem.
22. for coffee. the keurig at home or work, starbucks, mcdonalds, racetrac, etc coffee is a beautiful thing with equally beautiful effects.
23. for beer and the variety in which it exists. 
24. for books and my love of the written word.
25. to the makers of benedryl. that handsome pink pill keeps my chronic hives at bay.
26. to the real estate industry. while i pride myself on non-traditional RE, you have shown this scientist that there is more to being a professional than chemicals, muscles in a lab, and biomechanics.
27. for marlow's tavern and the perfect that is their menu (and staff) at the avenue. 
28. for email and texting for i pretty much despise talking on the telephone.
29. for second chances. i got it so perfect this time around.
30. for life. and all that it holds for me, and her, and us, and them. it is a beautiful ride.

obsessing.anxiety.29.

t.o.m.o.r.r.o.w. marks the beginning of the end of another decade.

i've got a year to do whatever i've said i'd like to do before i'm 30, over the past 28 years and 364 days. no true panic attacks.

age is a number. however, age has often been how i measure my personal success and failures over the years. at 29 the list of goals and aspirations hasn't stopped growing. all of my early 20s goals have been taken care of. apparently i apply quite a bit of pressure to myself and what exactly i can accomplish in whatever amount of time i deem appropriate.

so here they are, a few of the things i'd like to take care of before closing this final chapter and heading for the big, 3-0.

• sell current house and move to alpharetta / roswell area (possibly downsize)
• make $1MM at iCap in a year (between lee and i)
• give back to the community in the form of service projects with my not-wife
• stay active at the gym and be as fit as possible (you know, before the decline starts!)
• live to work

busy.fall.fun.

i have a plethora of things to get out in to the wild unknown, the wide open spaces, or the interwebs of the wwwdot.

cruise = amazing. caribbean = paradise. it was an amazing vacation. love the people. love  the countries. love the beaches. love the dolphins. love the sun, the sand, and the sea. seriously, perfect week with my number one.

earlier this year i converted my very windows-esque business partner to apple. hello?! FULL TIME mac user around here, folks. iCap is equipped with 2013 27" iMacs and at the end of October we got the new 15" MacBook Pro laptops for home, the hotel, the cruise cabin, and the road. yes, we are those people that have a full-functioning mobile office. we've come a long way since recycled laptops and anxiety riddled nights wondering how long we can hold on.

we (iCap) have been flippin', tweakin', twerkin' (no, no, no we haven't), buyin', sellin', and all out hustlin' for the better part of 2013. it's a rush only the other one understands. i can say, hands-down-with-out-a-doubt we love, love, love love what we do, what we don't do, how we thrive, working for ourselves (and sometimes each other), and our ability to "get it."

i recommend any of the following as gifts....for anyone!
favorite things: new mac computers (of course), iPhone 5s, bottlehook from new england, bellroy wallet, rei quantum messenger bag (in black), brandy clark "12 stories" album, "because i said i would"movement, defy bags, and  iTunes match.

other notables: i turn 29 saturday...i'm slightly obsessing over it. i bought an F-150 about a month ago and i love it. i'm shocked at the actions and inactions of some people in my family. i've been back in the gym for a tick over a week now and hopefully these 10 extra lbs will fall off soon. i miss the warm parts of fall already. both of my football teams are terrible this year. it's almost time for some more ink. i often wonder what uncle ed would have to say about my girl, iCap, and the family shenanigans that continue to take place since he left.

summer.

the unannounced h.i.a.t.u.s. has ended.

the remainder of june included an iCap business jaunt to tampa, a new client, busy workdays, iCap's first birthday and weekends spent at the pool with friends visiting from here and there.

july proved to be the most successful month for iCap monetarily. other highlights include asking cole to be mine forever in sign language with a diamond we picked out together, july 4th fireworks, and my love finishing her master's degree at UGA!

in august we kind of became normal. settling back in to life without her classes/papers/projects had us on a short beach weekend to destin, exposing her to a favorite dive in decatur, and planning fall weekends.

first week of september spent with a shit-ton of family for the annual beach vacation, complete with too much beer, sand, and sun. quick trip to L.I. for a surprise party, football weekends with college on saturday and pro on sunday, and A LOT of fantasy football smack talk.

hello, fall.

waiting.on.6/3.

it never fails.

for ten years i have had silent tears run the length of my face uncontrollably as june 3rd looms in the immediate distance. it is a daunting lump in the throat. a fierce reminder of what has been, what was, and the long road to now.

now has ticked by ever so slowly one anniversary at a time, never once going unnoticed.

just after 9 a.m. on june 3rd, 2003 i was watching a darling 3 year old not knowing my life would change forever within minutes. by 9:20 my childhood best friend was on her way to start the journey to now. within 20 minutes, each 60 seconds long, i had been sodomized, sexually assaulted, and falsely imprisoned while holding his child.

there first was a standard rape kit within the confines of grady hospital. a year later a criminal trial and an aquittal thanks to an error by the fulton county grand jury's indictment. two years after that a college graduation in may followed by an intense two week civil trial. on the last day of july 07 i thought i heard the last words i ever needed to hear as preacher in his collar rose to deliver the jury's verdict, "we the jury find in favor of the plaintiff in the amount of $450,000." it was an instant relief. i could move on.

i have moved on. i've built a house. i raised a puppy into a charming four-legged prince. i managed a team that out sourced foreclosures for the largest backer of mortgage securities across this nation. i had a break-up that taught me a). i am worth so much more;  b). how to stand on my own two feet; and c). i didn't know what love was. i started a successful business with my best friend. i have fallen in love with my entire heart and soul.

ten years later: i am healthy. i am happy. i am successful. i am funny. i am myself. i am proud.

for ten years i have cried an ocean of tears and felt a mountain of heartache. i have hated myself and the dirt and grit that comes with survival of any kind. i have failed only to succeed and fail again. i have learned that tomorrow is another day and though it is by far the hardest day of the year, it is another day.

tomorrow: i will work for a company that i own. i will come home to the most loving soul i'll ever know; a face that looks at me with adoration, understanding, and love. i will be a mom to the heart that trusts me to take care of his every need and he will lick the tears away. finally, i will fall asleep in the arms that i call home.

i will cry. i will remember. and yet again, i will overcome this shadow that has haunted me for the last ten years.

there are so many people that i'd like to thank but the super short list is below:
mom, dad, tad, nana, meemaw, mary ellen camp, suzi sheckter, julie howell, and jake.

nicole, thank you for showing me love in a way that i've never known. i know without a doubt that THIS is what i never thought i was capable of. "i don't know how you show such gentle disregard, for the ugly in me that for so long i took so hard. but i truly believe that you see the best in me. i'm enough for your love, and that thought sets me free."

t.e.n.

ten.years.ago.

a lot happened in 2003. a lot. it is actually hard to believe that so much could happen all within 12 months. ten years later, i can look back and smile with satisfaction.

2003
1. told my parents i was molested by a man when i was 7

2. started a relationship with a therapist i still see on occasion when shit gets real

3. graduated from high school

4. ditched girl clothes and discovered "fashion"

5. sodomized and sexually assaulted by a man i worked for off and on throughout high school

6. gave statement after statement to investigators, d.a.'s, and detectives

7. started a battle with depression induced bulimia that lasted several years

8. entered college weighing 90 lbs and chemistry became my best friend

9.  i.came.out.

10.  met my "first girlfriend," a term i use extremely loosely for a multitude of reasons 10 yrs. later

2013
1. i have the most unbelievable girlfriend. she is the most genuinely good person i've ever known, let alone loved.

2. i own a company with my best friend. iCapital is one of my proudest accomplishments.

3. i break all of the executive/corporate rules with fun clothes, rockstar hair, colored tattoos, and punk baby gauges.

4. i am overly happy and perfectly content with this life that i so luckily get to share with cole and our boy jake. i have a great relationship with my family; a company that doesn't stress me out; a life that i never thought i'd have.

resting.in.peace.

driving home this evening in my love's car, from athens to cumming, loaded down with the bathroom, a closet, and every h.r.o.d. book known to man, i heard your voice. familiar and soothing. a flood of memories made me grateful once again, that you left the impression that you did.

i still remember you laying there in hospice, hours after life expired. the white sheet no longer moving, your limbs no longer twitching, your coloring becoming a little less life-like as the minutes ticked on. i watched our family hug each other in disbelief at what became our reality. a day we had known was eminent for six weeks. 

here are a few things that i learned:

it is possible to be best friends with your sibling. tad and i work hard to be more than brother and sister. we argue, disagree, laugh, and cry but more importantly we have learned how to be supportive of each other's differences. 

life is not guaranteed, live it. when a new gadget / toy / product comes out, and you want it...get it. 

if there is a chance you will look back with regret, change your mind and try it. i never thought i'd own a company or be my own boss....but i wouldn't trade this opportunity for any in the world. no harm, no foul.

time heals...almost everything. i am by far the happiest i have ever been in my life. if only you had the opportunity to meet her, you'd approve....but more importantly, you'd adore her and the crazy complete way she loves me. 

your last o'doul's still rattles in the door of the beer fridge every time i open it. i can't bring myself to toss it out. i still look for you every time i see joey, which isn't nearly enough. i channel your distaste for the family drama and the constant churning of such, i've moved on. i wonder which bimbo would have you cussing on the bachelor, or which dancing with the stars samba you'd approve of, if you'd still be hating on the vols, and which voice would captivate your heart on american idol. holidays, birthdays, dinners, and get togethers will never be the same...you're always missing. i think about you everyday.

12:21 a.m. 3.7.13.

she.

she is beautiful.
she is one of the smartest people i've ever been around.
she is passionate.
she is fluent in ASL.
she is a humanist, a feminist, and advoate of equal rights.
she is an accomplished ex-competitive dancer.
she is a native long islander.
she is a UGA alum (almost twice).
she is anti windows/p.c.
she is more forgiving and more understanding than anyone i've ever known.
she is strength.
she is pure, honest, and the definition of what is right in this world.
she is appreciative.
she is motivated, dedicated, and determined.
she is everything i am not.
she is heart.
she is perfection.
she is love.
she is my every heart beat.
she is mine. ALL.mine.

she.and.i.

tap.tap.is.this.thing.on.

so busy in fact that i had to be reminded that a. i had a blog and b. it hadn't been updated in a month.

here is the skinny. iCapital is taking off. we are rocking and rolling in ways we never thought possible. what started as a couple of kids at lunch frustrated with their current work situation and ideas of ways to make it better is now legitimate. we work with our friends, because we can. we drink beer at lunch, because we can. coffee all day and a break to play mid afternoon, because we can. who knew that we'd ever have such a silly dream....not us, but i am glad we did and i'm more proud than ever that we ran with it. i own this company with my best friend and we work extremely closely with our other best friend and e.v.p. the three of us have been together for a long time. two fellas and their tomboy sister.

because my life is more than work i should publicly disclose that i have the best backbone and support system that even the dream team couldn't imagine. cole reminds this girl on a daily basis that i am in fact a dreamer but more than that i am her dreamer. i've never known a love so selfless, pure, or true. the cheer section also includes one wife, one fiancé, four babies (that remind me constantly that i am aunt baiwee), grand-daddy jack, brother john, mom, and dad. it takes a village but we are a giant family and becoming ever closer. just you wait.

the 55 pound black lab i call my boy decided to protest and drink from the toilet while his bowl was full...he is paying for it now. he is perfection on four legs and very close to his 6th birthday.

and with that, i'm back to the land of work and money :) (milk and honey....i'm hilarious).

some.things.

- it has rained for two days straight and forecast states it is raining all tomorrow as well.
- the athens racetrac coffee addiction has not been broken.
- my brother sucks at texting...my most preferred way of communication! get with it.
- addicted to the new j.t. suit & tie song....cannot wait for the full album.
- i am re-reading the millennium trilogy - so perfectly written.
- sudoku has returned to my daily regimen.
- slept in my contacts last night....wearing glasses today. (exciting, i know).
- it is january 16th and i have worn shorts the last two days.
- between toms, tigers, and chucks i have a problem.
- jake still has the cutest face i've ever seen. love this 5 yr old puppy. perfection.
- nicole thinks i hung the moon...please, do not wake her up.
- i feel as though i have worked 40 hours this week already....and it is wednesday morning.
- at this moment i want a truck, jetta, jeep liberty, and a new wrangler. wtf.
- i am waiting on my brother to tell me when i can get the elephant tattoo added to my arm...waiting...
- my daily set up includes: macbook air, iphone, ipad, post its, jake, book, sudoku, beats, and a different pen every day.

- back to work!!

2.0.1.3.

holy 2013!!

• my brother and i arranged a sneaky surprise for nicole on the friday evening before xmas. cyrus (sytycd) was staying with tad for spell so while waiting for a table at taco mac, in walks glitch. as a dancer she loves his moves. such a cool ass dude.
• finally took nic up to lake lanier for the magical nights of lights :) she is precious. 
• our family celebrated christmas on christmas eve. SO FUN! tad, cyrus, nic and i made out like absolute bandits. 
• my loot: engraved ornament, batman glasses, UT pants, UT toms, red tigers, nikon J1, socks, gray peacoat, apple tv, gadgets, candy, iTunes, etc. 
• after family christmas, i lit the tree, made hot chocolate, and nicole and i had our first christmas...just us with jake. proud to say that the george, gina, and lucy bag that i picked out was a hit. the shock on her face was priceless!
• my first trip to NY to meet nicole's family and friends was COLD. to be honest, i had been warned...but i was absolutely freezing!!! but i rocked my hats :) hanging with "gary", aunt sue, uncle pete, and jaime were high lights. all of her friends are amazing people. she is so loved...and i am so lucky. 
• i ate pizza, pasta, eggplant, bagels, (repeat), (repeat) until i successfully put on a full 10 lbs.
• after 9 days on long island, we flew home to our pup. he loves us and we missed the shit out of him. 
• this week we are hard core fresh, healthy, food. feelin' better already.