it never fails.
for ten years i have had silent tears run the length of my face uncontrollably as june 3rd looms in the immediate distance. it is a daunting lump in the throat. a fierce reminder of what has been, what was, and the long road to now.
now has ticked by ever so slowly one anniversary at a time, never once going unnoticed.
just after 9 a.m. on june 3rd, 2003 i was watching a darling 3 year old not knowing my life would change forever within minutes. by 9:20 my childhood best friend was on her way to start the journey to now. within 20 minutes, each 60 seconds long, i had been sodomized, sexually assaulted, and falsely imprisoned while holding his child.
there first was a standard rape kit within the confines of grady hospital. a year later a criminal trial and an aquittal thanks to an error by the fulton county grand jury's indictment. two years after that a college graduation in may followed by an intense two week civil trial. on the last day of july 07 i thought i heard the last words i ever needed to hear as preacher in his collar rose to deliver the jury's verdict, "we the jury find in favor of the plaintiff in the amount of $450,000." it was an instant relief. i could move on.
i have moved on. i've built a house. i raised a puppy into a charming four-legged prince. i managed a team that out sourced foreclosures for the largest backer of mortgage securities across this nation. i had a break-up that taught me a). i am worth so much more; b). how to stand on my own two feet; and c). i didn't know what love was. i started a successful business with my best friend. i have fallen in love with my entire heart and soul.
ten years later: i am healthy. i am happy. i am successful. i am funny. i am myself. i am proud.
for ten years i have cried an ocean of tears and felt a mountain of heartache. i have hated myself and the dirt and grit that comes with survival of any kind. i have failed only to succeed and fail again. i have learned that tomorrow is another day and though it is by far the hardest day of the year, it is another day.
tomorrow: i will work for a company that i own. i will come home to the most loving soul i'll ever know; a face that looks at me with adoration, understanding, and love. i will be a mom to the heart that trusts me to take care of his every need and he will lick the tears away. finally, i will fall asleep in the arms that i call home.
i will cry. i will remember. and yet again, i will overcome this shadow that has haunted me for the last ten years.
there are so many people that i'd like to thank but the super short list is below:
mom, dad, tad, nana, meemaw, mary ellen camp, suzi sheckter, julie howell, and jake.
nicole, thank you for showing me love in a way that i've never known. i know without a doubt that THIS is what i never thought i was capable of. "i don't know how you show such gentle disregard, for the ugly in me that for so long i took so hard. but i truly believe that you see the best in me. i'm enough for your love, and that thought sets me free."
t.e.n.
