5

we embark on day 5 on monday morning. i am mentally and emotionally exhausted. so far, so good. i will take the stand for the second time monday.

close

day 2 complete. i was on the stand for nearly 5 hours total - that is excluding lunch and three other breaks. tomorrow is more of the same. so incredibly happy that this is taking place now and that this IS the end of the road - regardless of the outcome, i am ready.

time

day one is done. jury is seated. we will resume wednesday morning and continue until friday.

wreck

thursday afternoon i wrecked my jeep in the worst part of decatur possible. i am fine and my jeep was not too bad either...my neck and lower back have been bothering me for the last day and a half though. however, for the last two months i have been looking at something newer with better gas mileage, especially since real estate and fannie mae have me driving from one side of the state to the other. SO, friday afternoon i drug my mom and cait to see all of my dad's buddies at various dealerships and at 9:44 i bought a 2008 scion tC with a whole ton of upgraded shit.

my house is clean and my car is about to be cleaner as i am taking it back to toyota to be detailed...

3 days and 3 nights

she flies out friday morning and flies in sunday night - i feel like a huge part of me is missing already. everytime we talk i get a lump in my throat and a little rain in my eyes. i'm going home for the weekend after the daffodil run with megan. everynight for a week i have cried silently before falling asleep. how is it that another person can fill such a void and cure any ailment i think i have. over and over i look at her and wonder what i would do without her.

cait i love you - we will be fine, not fun, but fine.

i will be waiting for you sunday night, bring me a present.

even without the daffodil run, i have an enormous amount of work for the week ahead - 2 very important tests that will determine (in my mind) the final outcome of the semester. my goal is to leave kennesaw (another sad part of my life) the same way i entered, on the dean's list.

back to the bright orange EKG book and the mountain of handouts. ugh. my heart hurts.

ouch

both cait and i have been dealing with colds for the last couple of weeks.

it is just after 7 and i am finally home and in minimal pain. i woke up at 3 with intense ear pain, a swollen tonsil, and my right eye gooed shut. my dad knows the drill rather well by now and he came in with juice, motrin, and the heating pad. he rubbed my back for over thirty minutes while i screamed in pain. i waited as long as possible and i couldnt take it anymore. my dad was dressed and ready *luckily* and at just after 4 we set out for the e.r.

not three minutes after walking through the door and filling out paper work - blood and sticky pus poured from my ear. the pressure that had been mounting for a couple hours prior had been released.

they gave me lortab, augmentin, and ear drops *2* one for infection and one sterioid to build it back.

i got to see kara b/c she was working tonight. she has her second interview with stryker soon. second in a series of five. i am very happy for her - great great friend.

i miss my girlfriend right now more than i think i ever have. however, i am thankful i was here in alpharetta because without a doubt it would have scared the shit out of cait to see what my dad had grown accustomed to. not to mention - neither of us know how to get to the emergency room at kennestone hospital.

i am sure i wont remember typing this in a couple hours when i wake up again, the lortab is working - sleep time.

through the clouds

i have watched the sky look between the clouds most of the day. the light shinging through revealing the blue gives me hope - a little at least.

tomorrow is it. it refers to the culmination of the anxiety and the finality of my weakness. i will strive to be strong however i know myself well enough to know that i will crumble at the mercy of his Ph.D. as i sit in a dim room with a stranger who will determine the extent of the damage, i will struggle to allow him to see the pain, anger, hurt and saddness that exists behind a wall. i feel small, really small - almost as if i have something wrong with me. the truth is, i do have something wrong with me. i can block it out and pretend what i am and how i feel is normal, however i now know that what i live with is not a normal state of existance.

i am haunted by him when i sleep, controlled by him when i eat, and smothered by him as i breathe. my heart is heavy, my knees weak, my soul aches, and my mind finds a way to function if only for a moment at a time.

i seek solace in my thoughts and truth in my emotions. all is real, all is raw.

as the clock ticks on, my heart beats faster. my eyes are swollen with unrested sleep and my leg twitches uncontrollably to the point of distraction.

i am terrified of the outcome, but i am ready to show my scars. the scars i am ashamed of but others times, i am proud of them for they hold the truth that tells my story. i guard them as if the tissue will thin, and the remanants of where i have been will disappear. until i have the will to let it go, i am clutching tightly to the things that make me whole- including where i have been, the things i have lost and the things i have found.

back!

alright, shit! i have been at the lake for 5 days home for a couple to unpack, repack and leave for the beach. we finally pulled in the drive at around 2 this afternoon. i have unpacked everything and put it away (only to repack it all up in two weeks when cait and i move).

yep, me and cait are moving out. after over two and a half years, it is time. we are both super excited.

the lake as a blast, i tore it up on cait's jetski.

family vacation was FULL of family. yikes. it was my family (including cait), my uncle, my grandmother, my aunt her and her family, and a couple of mom's friends from oklahoma. we laughed and laughed and laughed. the mornings were full of laying out and dumping various people off of rafts in the pool. the ocean was freezing. we saw dolphins and sea turtles. uncle bill saw a manatee. our favorite yoga man was there again. we have decided he lives there and every morning in his red speedo and yellow swim cap he does yoga for an HOUR then swims up the beach forever in the ocean and RUNS back. this man is close to 70 years old for christ sake.

the deck (restaurant) was awesome, as always. bethany and kai were there so all 12 of us got star treatment. we ate in a private room with air coditioning. the deck is located on the halifax river 20 minutes from the condo. it is outside with covered seating. the building itself is pretty big. everyone must wait in line (usually an hour and sometimes 2 hours in june and july) order at the counter then find a table and the food runners will bring it to you. we skip the line and have for the last 5 years thanks to bethany.

time to shower and find some mexican for dinner.

ugh

this whole myspace being down thing is aggravating the shit out of me. i didn't know how great myspace was until now, i cant get on it and i am bored in class...AND i couldn't sleep last night.

i got a hair cut. 15 inches off. it is super short.

i am done with nutrition- took my last test this morning.

at 12:15 yours truly is teaching a 6 minute aerobics class. hi/lo, step, and kickboxing. this is going to be the looooongest 6 minutes of my life. weeee, here we go.

filled.

i got my cavity filled. hot right? haha. it didnt hurt...the novacaine that was supposed to last an hour lasted the whole damn day. almost 6 hours later i could feel my tongue. SUCKED.

i took a test today in ex. leadership. cake. OH and can i please mention that i will NEVER be coordinated enough to do/lead/teach step aerobics. WTF? it is the hardest shit of my life.

dr. k.j. is funny.

we got through season 1 of the l word. i am majorly pissed off with the stunning bette porter. WHAT IS THE THINKING!?!?! her relationship with tina was so sweet, though she was busy alot and sometimes said things to tina that sucked....i liked her. ALOT.

also, dana...what is that looney bin she brought back from vacation? i dont get it.

i hate jenny. she is annoying.

that my friends is my opinion of the l word thus far.

tonight- dinner with starla.
tomorow- possibly the lake. possibly season 2 marathon w/ cait :) karaoke with maryellen at wild wing HAHA.
friday- nutrition quiz online. more l word. time w/ my lova.
saturday- so far the plan is to go back to the lake house.