weekend.and.rash.

"you can stop by, you can not by, smooth cridibles."

addy sang smooth criminal. we ate mexican food. rocked on the play ground. saw toy story 3. ate popcorn and airheads. finally, we swam....with no floaties. i was proud of them.

uncle randy and nana cooked dinner saturday night....and i got my ass whipped in foosball. damn.

sunday was more wedding details with our moms over lunch. still alot to do and high anxiety is an understatement. party city for some decor for shower 2 and the ceremony at the cape.

sunday morning brought the return of satan's rash. a hot, leathery, raised, red, rash down my calf. this afternoon i went to the dermatologist like i should have the last time it showed up. meds are already working and it's a little less obnoxious.

it's monday.

hang.nail.

um, pulling part of your finger nail out of your right thumb is dangerous when playing guitar a few hours later.....no.more.finger.picking.

good think i like a pick :)

tonight i should be doing laundry - the rockies are forming in the closet and bathroom, but i'm not.

comings soon: top five records of all time and this summer

adventures of maddox, addison, dacki, and re

MI

pretty detroit is not my most favorite place on earth. MGM grand was bad ass though.

seven.

nothing profound or shocking this year, i was hoping something great would come out of me tonight. been sad for a couple days and more than likely even more sad tomorrow.

few lyrics that evoked a tear within the past few days.

"feels good to feel something, even if it's pain" - warren brothers

"i will learn to love what i cannot change, i will learn to let go of what i cannot change" - leann rimes

"give me strength to stand on my own" - arlington priest

"everyone knows i'm in over my head" - the fray

count.

three days in and i have had 5 bud lights and a giant rum runner. (just drinking with dinner).

holy.delay.

two days in to what is becoming a 5 day business trip across the entire state of south carolina.

this trip is going leaps and bounds better than my dallas trip that was an emotional train wreck. i've had my moments and the nights are pretty rough. regardless, i'll be home to her by lunchtime friday at the latest.

too bad i'm detroit bound on 6/7.

before that, i'll have a great long weekend with my girl.

really excited to attend our first shower at her old neighbor's house friday night.

oh these property inspections can't end soon enough!!!

found.

the other day while saving documents off an old mac i discovered 20ish pages that i have written since june 3, 2003 that haven't been published. the last paragraph of what was entitled "4" still grips me.

4 in it's unaltered entirety written may 30,2007

another graduation and another party is over. it never occurred to me that i would actually graduate again, nor did i really ever think it possible. it is a sigh of relief in a raging fire. i wonder if i will ever be able to approach june without feeling lost and weak, nor do i want too. i rely on so many different people to get me through each day, especially now. i never want to forget or stop feeling, sadly i am still not ready to let it go. i desperately need to be consumed by my thoughts, so i can process them and realize how they really make a human feel when they aren’t repressed within a chemical depression treatment.

perhaps not the smartest endeavor, i decided to take myself off of zoloft yet again. my insurance expires any day now and really, depression/anxiety medication is not an expense i am willing to afford right now. i am aware and alive feeling things i haven’t felt in a year. there is a part of the battered heart and soul that is deadened by zoloft yet it is resurrected at its ceasefire.

the days with sun coming through the window are extremely short while i await the moon beams appearance on the wall. i can pretend in the daylight, it is the darkness that is most terrifying. as painful as it is, i crave the emotional breakdowns that force me to accept my humanity by shaking my foundation to the ground. now that the zoloft is out of my system, i am lost emotionally and it is a relief to know that i haven’t voided myself of the experience to be real with what is ever so present in the back of my day to day for the remainder of the year. knowing how fresh and new this can be ignites a fight within, a struggle that reminds me of what has not been forgotten while endorsing the battles i have yet to endure.

four years that spanned a lifetime yet in the blink of an eye have passed, and i wouldn’t trade it for anything at all. the emotional floods and the mountains of strength i have mastered the portrayal of, are hidden from the world yet they meet me in my darkest hour to prove, each facet of my being, is different from the others. tears blanket my vision, to magnify the truth. memories never fade.

55

just got home with a new 55 inch t.v. - can't wait to get the 40 inch hooked up in our room.

nascar at martinsville MIGHT be the best race ever.....if my girlfriend pulls it off!

t.c.

march 4th t.c. played eddie's attic in decatur.

i was 100% blown away. i knew she was a good player, writer, entertainer, artist, and singer....i just didnt know HOW GOOD.

this woman had alot to do with my own guitar obsession and love of my own cowboy days - i sat for over 90 minutes watching her play alone on a small stage with 200 people present. moving.

definitely one of my 5 five shows ever and at this moment, THE best show i have ever seen.

costco.

35 rolls of toilet paper

16 rolls of paper towels

3 bottles of body wash

1000 ibuprofen tablets

2 boxes of tampons (96 per box)

10 pounds of boneless, skinless, chicken breast

36 bottles of water

2 bottles of contact solution

spending $135 in one place is worth it - buying household shit in bulk is brilliant.