ten.years.ago.

a lot happened in 2003. a lot. it is actually hard to believe that so much could happen all within 12 months. ten years later, i can look back and smile with satisfaction.

2003
1. told my parents i was molested by a man when i was 7

2. started a relationship with a therapist i still see on occasion when shit gets real

3. graduated from high school

4. ditched girl clothes and discovered "fashion"

5. sodomized and sexually assaulted by a man i worked for off and on throughout high school

6. gave statement after statement to investigators, d.a.'s, and detectives

7. started a battle with depression induced bulimia that lasted several years

8. entered college weighing 90 lbs and chemistry became my best friend

9.  i.came.out.

10.  met my "first girlfriend," a term i use extremely loosely for a multitude of reasons 10 yrs. later

2013
1. i have the most unbelievable girlfriend. she is the most genuinely good person i've ever known, let alone loved.

2. i own a company with my best friend. iCapital is one of my proudest accomplishments.

3. i break all of the executive/corporate rules with fun clothes, rockstar hair, colored tattoos, and punk baby gauges.

4. i am overly happy and perfectly content with this life that i so luckily get to share with cole and our boy jake. i have a great relationship with my family; a company that doesn't stress me out; a life that i never thought i'd have.

resting.in.peace.

driving home this evening in my love's car, from athens to cumming, loaded down with the bathroom, a closet, and every h.r.o.d. book known to man, i heard your voice. familiar and soothing. a flood of memories made me grateful once again, that you left the impression that you did.

i still remember you laying there in hospice, hours after life expired. the white sheet no longer moving, your limbs no longer twitching, your coloring becoming a little less life-like as the minutes ticked on. i watched our family hug each other in disbelief at what became our reality. a day we had known was eminent for six weeks. 

here are a few things that i learned:

it is possible to be best friends with your sibling. tad and i work hard to be more than brother and sister. we argue, disagree, laugh, and cry but more importantly we have learned how to be supportive of each other's differences. 

life is not guaranteed, live it. when a new gadget / toy / product comes out, and you want it...get it. 

if there is a chance you will look back with regret, change your mind and try it. i never thought i'd own a company or be my own boss....but i wouldn't trade this opportunity for any in the world. no harm, no foul.

time heals...almost everything. i am by far the happiest i have ever been in my life. if only you had the opportunity to meet her, you'd approve....but more importantly, you'd adore her and the crazy complete way she loves me. 

your last o'doul's still rattles in the door of the beer fridge every time i open it. i can't bring myself to toss it out. i still look for you every time i see joey, which isn't nearly enough. i channel your distaste for the family drama and the constant churning of such, i've moved on. i wonder which bimbo would have you cussing on the bachelor, or which dancing with the stars samba you'd approve of, if you'd still be hating on the vols, and which voice would captivate your heart on american idol. holidays, birthdays, dinners, and get togethers will never be the same...you're always missing. i think about you everyday.

12:21 a.m. 3.7.13.

she.

she is beautiful.
she is one of the smartest people i've ever been around.
she is passionate.
she is fluent in ASL.
she is a humanist, a feminist, and advoate of equal rights.
she is an accomplished ex-competitive dancer.
she is a native long islander.
she is a UGA alum (almost twice).
she is anti windows/p.c.
she is more forgiving and more understanding than anyone i've ever known.
she is strength.
she is pure, honest, and the definition of what is right in this world.
she is appreciative.
she is motivated, dedicated, and determined.
she is everything i am not.
she is heart.
she is perfection.
she is love.
she is my every heart beat.
she is mine. ALL.mine.

she.and.i.

tap.tap.is.this.thing.on.

so busy in fact that i had to be reminded that a. i had a blog and b. it hadn't been updated in a month.

here is the skinny. iCapital is taking off. we are rocking and rolling in ways we never thought possible. what started as a couple of kids at lunch frustrated with their current work situation and ideas of ways to make it better is now legitimate. we work with our friends, because we can. we drink beer at lunch, because we can. coffee all day and a break to play mid afternoon, because we can. who knew that we'd ever have such a silly dream....not us, but i am glad we did and i'm more proud than ever that we ran with it. i own this company with my best friend and we work extremely closely with our other best friend and e.v.p. the three of us have been together for a long time. two fellas and their tomboy sister.

because my life is more than work i should publicly disclose that i have the best backbone and support system that even the dream team couldn't imagine. cole reminds this girl on a daily basis that i am in fact a dreamer but more than that i am her dreamer. i've never known a love so selfless, pure, or true. the cheer section also includes one wife, one fiancé, four babies (that remind me constantly that i am aunt baiwee), grand-daddy jack, brother john, mom, and dad. it takes a village but we are a giant family and becoming ever closer. just you wait.

the 55 pound black lab i call my boy decided to protest and drink from the toilet while his bowl was full...he is paying for it now. he is perfection on four legs and very close to his 6th birthday.

and with that, i'm back to the land of work and money :) (milk and honey....i'm hilarious).

some.things.

- it has rained for two days straight and forecast states it is raining all tomorrow as well.
- the athens racetrac coffee addiction has not been broken.
- my brother sucks at texting...my most preferred way of communication! get with it.
- addicted to the new j.t. suit & tie song....cannot wait for the full album.
- i am re-reading the millennium trilogy - so perfectly written.
- sudoku has returned to my daily regimen.
- slept in my contacts last night....wearing glasses today. (exciting, i know).
- it is january 16th and i have worn shorts the last two days.
- between toms, tigers, and chucks i have a problem.
- jake still has the cutest face i've ever seen. love this 5 yr old puppy. perfection.
- nicole thinks i hung the moon...please, do not wake her up.
- i feel as though i have worked 40 hours this week already....and it is wednesday morning.
- at this moment i want a truck, jetta, jeep liberty, and a new wrangler. wtf.
- i am waiting on my brother to tell me when i can get the elephant tattoo added to my arm...waiting...
- my daily set up includes: macbook air, iphone, ipad, post its, jake, book, sudoku, beats, and a different pen every day.

- back to work!!

2.0.1.3.

holy 2013!!

• my brother and i arranged a sneaky surprise for nicole on the friday evening before xmas. cyrus (sytycd) was staying with tad for spell so while waiting for a table at taco mac, in walks glitch. as a dancer she loves his moves. such a cool ass dude.
• finally took nic up to lake lanier for the magical nights of lights :) she is precious. 
• our family celebrated christmas on christmas eve. SO FUN! tad, cyrus, nic and i made out like absolute bandits. 
• my loot: engraved ornament, batman glasses, UT pants, UT toms, red tigers, nikon J1, socks, gray peacoat, apple tv, gadgets, candy, iTunes, etc. 
• after family christmas, i lit the tree, made hot chocolate, and nicole and i had our first christmas...just us with jake. proud to say that the george, gina, and lucy bag that i picked out was a hit. the shock on her face was priceless!
• my first trip to NY to meet nicole's family and friends was COLD. to be honest, i had been warned...but i was absolutely freezing!!! but i rocked my hats :) hanging with "gary", aunt sue, uncle pete, and jaime were high lights. all of her friends are amazing people. she is so loved...and i am so lucky. 
• i ate pizza, pasta, eggplant, bagels, (repeat), (repeat) until i successfully put on a full 10 lbs.
• after 9 days on long island, we flew home to our pup. he loves us and we missed the shit out of him. 
• this week we are hard core fresh, healthy, food. feelin' better already. 

closing.2012.

it is only 12/20 but i imagine that between christmas and n.y.e. i will be rather busy. this feels as though it might be rather long in length. keep up.

if i'd only known how perfectly amazing 2012 would be. i declared on 12/31/11 that i'd make 2012 my bitch. i feel as though i did. while driving around athens this evening picking up the last of the small christmas items i thought about how i spent over seven years of my adult life thinking i was happy. what i truly was, was simply content. i wasn't unhappy by any means, i just had absolutely no clue what i was missing. after all, how could i?

i spent the first five months of the year learning. by reconnecting with so.cal i was able to find my confidence again. i was able to smile and i was able to grow. for five months we formed a friendship and a bond that will always be a little different. she showed me that i wasn't broken and that i was worthy. for those five months and the friendship that we keep to this day, i am grateful.

by the time spring came to a close and summer rolled in, all of the work that my team and i put into c.a.m. was crashing down around us. our client disappeared and we laid off most of our colleagues who were much more than co-workers, they are friends. when the smoke and mirrors began to be too much, the father of my fave four and i met on a patio to talk about what may lie ahead. over several beers and half a pack of cigarettes, iCapital was born. it would take hours after work and many weekends to get our plans in place. who knew we could own a business?

a week long family vacation spent right next to uncle joey (walking the beach, laying in the sun, and sitting on the balcony for hours every afternoon watching the waves roll in) wrapped the summer. by the end of september i was working from home and spending every spare minute in the jeep. i met a girl that blew my soul wide open. that kind of instant happiness that you can only describe once you've been there. falling in love with nicole has been the most beautiful experience of 2012. while she is everything that i am not, i've never truly had his passionate emotion for another person in 28 years. can't stop smiling.

2012 has been the most successful (both personally and professionally) year of my life.

p.y.t.

love.this.song.

perhaps the best cover, but i'm not biased. still can't believe ms. nettles is a mama.

jingle.jam.2012.

andy grammer - "ya gotta keep your head up, oh oh"
grace potter - "you and tequila" (though i love her solo records more)
alex clare - "and i think that i am just too close to love you"
phillip phillips - "i'm gonna make this place your home"
jason mraz - "i'm gonna love you, like the woman i love"
ed sheeran - "they say, she's in the class a team, stuck in her day dream"

bad ass line up. mr. mraz was our main attraction as his latest release "love, is a four letter word" is a record that nicole and i can't get enough of. he is just good....good all the way around. genuine love and support for everyone. prolific songwriter, singers, musician, and entertainer. love.

on a completely different note, i had NO CLUE that anyone other than myself had a clue who ed was....or that he is so popular with the tweens. not going to lie, the screaming girls at 10:15 were enough to talk nic in to just listening to his cd on the way back to the athens digs.

we lit up the arena thursday night - spreading the love during the end of jason's set. after the heartbreaking events of this morning in CT, this world just needs more love.

dream.

"everyday that you get up and force your cards
you're playing your story in fits and stars
you take your prospects and your pickaxe
and you trudge down to the stream
and you bloody your hands, digging for your dream" - emily saliers of the indigo girls