nine.thirty.

somehow, i am not sleeping through the night. i haven't always been a good sleeper...i've certainly had my bouts with insomnia and sleep deprivation but nothing recently. i could go to bed at 9 or 10 and sleep until 5:30. now i go to bed at 11:30 and am wide awake at 4. i've always been able to operate on minimal zzzzz and i'm still operating just fine. problem is, jake now thinks we need to play and go outside between 3-4.

annnnnd there is another problem. i am not a fan of feeling like i should go to bed at 9, struggling to find something to do until 11 only to be up downloading moronic television shows on my ipad at 3. or 3:19. or 4:04 as has been the case this week.

life at the office is pure insanity. 110%. i love what i do. i love who i do it with. i'm good at it. not blowing smoke, i'm really fucking good at it. problem is, i don't know when to stop. i don't know how to put it away and do something else. i am passionate about performance. i am driven by our rank. i am motivated by success. i thrive on solving problems, skipping lunch, working late, and maintaining my reputation. that said, i have a breaking point. i dont think i have ever broken from stress, or the work load, the agents, or a territory. in fact, i dont think i've ever said no or walked away with questions unanswered, decisions not made, or utter frustration pushing me down.

i drove home in silence. complete silence. i had one conversation on the phone. one via text. then, i fucking stood up and decided that THIS IS WHY I AM WHERE I AM. i'm the captain of this ship and i'll be damned if a single pirate is going to tear down what my blood, sweat, and tears built from the ground up from 08 until now. i'm a performer. and perform is what we do.

TY to mom and dad who delivered dinner at 9 p.m. (salad, dont fret).

i am grateful it is thursday, that i have a team of some pretty amazing people at the office, that my boys hold me up even when they want to beat my ass, that starbucks was delivered to my office this morning, that mom and dad care enough to drive 30 minutes for dinner, that SoCal knows me well enough to say 'buck up', and that i have the sweetest four-legged boy that loves unconditionally.

and now it's ten.