hard

i knew this morning before my hand turned off the alarm at 5:40 that i would have a rough day. the kind of rough days i had for so long after the incident. the kind of day that i cried, and cried, and cried.

last night i saw my self with colleen and mitchell. i havent "seen" them in a long time. maybe they were dreaming of me and that is how they found their way to me. in fact, i wonder if they even know who i am anymore. i doubt it.

i cried for 10 minutes silently before grabbing my clothes and walking to the bathroom to shower. i put in my brothers contacts and got in the shower, wondering how in one night my vision could be so bad. everything was far away. i hurt my hand reaching for the shampoo bottle and i kicked the side of the tub wall getting out. after i got out, i realized that my contacts were in my drawer and that my brother had left his case where i usually leave mine. lovely.

i get dressed and once in the car, i lost it yet again. as i looked at the gigantic dodge truck behind me i saw colleen's face in his lights. at 6:20 i knew i wouldnt escape their thoughts all day long.

i skipped my 9:30 class because i was cried as the cold hit my face that i went back and sat in the truck. and cried while emailing cait. she is so good to me and i hate when days like this strike because i am a total bitch to everybody.

at 10:45 i went into the science building that i love so much and found an empty bathroom to wash my face in.

i had to leave shorly for a health place tour. i had to drive a girl. she bothers me. badly. she is so superficial that its really hard to describe. we left.

i returned the girl to her walk way and found another spot after we returned to campus. i cried for thirsy minutes. i am certian that everybody who saw me "holding it together" knew something bad was bothering me. even those who had never seen me before.

i got a sandwich from chick fil a and a red powerade as i so often do when i have bad days. i ate it before class started.

on my way home it started again, every second that i was alone today has been spent crying and wondering. today, i ask why. why why why. why do i hold on to things that were done to me. things that i stood up for and the justice system failed the hell out of me and my family as well as the community. WHY is he still living on days when i feel so trapped.

i thought it would be nice to hold addison or maddox. maybe it would cleanse me in some way. i went to the house, no answer. i called, no answer. i could hear maddox in there saying re. i twisted the knob, it was locked. as i left the porch i felt 2 inches tall. i cried. maybe just stopping by there to feel better was a bad idea. my day took a nose dive.

once home i wondered why i was still here. why i felt this way. why i didnt have enough strength to tell my girldfriend who i love so much. who would do anything for me. she still has no idea.

i cried and cried and cried some more since i got home at 2:30. i tried ot sleep and i could see both colleen and mitchell staring at me. i woke up paniced with a wet face. i cried through the "dream."

now its 7:30 and there still steady streams of water, falling from my eyes.

i would give anything in the world to see maddox or addy right now. i know that will not happen.

time to call cait and explain my oddness.

i am sorry i hurt so deeply. i am sorry i have days this bad.

birthday 11/23

so my 21st birthday was good.

my dad walked down the hall tuesday night with a fender amp (travel size) because i had been bitching about not being able to move my monsterous amps. IT KICKS ASS. i LOVE the new amp.

cait bought me two shirts, an electronic bar tender, ipod speakers, polo socks, a cd, and a drink mixer thing.

her mom and pops got me this kicks ass guess messenger bag.

callie and tj got me a remote control car and a giant carabeaner *sp.*

tammy (new boss) and richard - ginormous bottle of jose cuervo pre-mixed margaritas.

meemaw - $30 cash and a $20 starbucks card.

ninnie and u.bill - $10 starbucks card.

frissie (dad's mom) and pops - $100 check.

and mom and dad gave me $100 as well.

wednesday night mom, dad, tad, vince, cait and myself went to my favorite mexican place for dinner...dad and i had margaritas. HA it was odd.

it turned out far better than i had expected. cait is an angel. i love her more everyday. our 2nd anniversary is coming. december 7th.

new baby

my good friends lizz and pam (who i affectionately call momma lizz and momma pam) had their first child this afternoon. ben arrived at 1:25 p.m.
8 lbs and 22 inches long. pam is doing well and lizz is happy as can be!

this week i have 3 tests so i better get back to the books.

she's here

addison was born yesterday, september 20th at 1:23p.m.
weight - 7 lbs. 2 oz.
length - 20 in.
PERFECT!

deep

wow. what an emotionally draining day.

first- i finally got up the nerve to go buy cait's sister's baby shower gift. i havent bought little girls baby clothes from there in ages. i cried. i remembered colleen and the clothes she would pick out from there. all those memories came flooding back. it hurt.

second- i am in my study talking to cait and doing a little anatomy work when my mom comes in to tell me that wes (colleen's dad, and the second man who sexually abused me) walked in the new little restaurant in town while her and my dad were having dinner. after the publicity and all the legal things that are still wrapped up in this case, i would think the dumbass would stay away from my family. so, not only does he show up but he shows up with another man. wes is married still (somehow, she is just as much of an idiot as he is) with 2 children. and apparently this was an affair, the man wes was with was very gay and the two meet at pure (restaurant) every night at that time. so the saga continues.

below the cut is a letter i wrote to cait's sister that i am not sure will ever reach her hands.

august 24, 2005

callie-

perhaps i am at fault for bad timing, but this has been itching to escape me for some time now. the day you found out you were having a girl, i cried. not once since colleen left my life two years, two months, and 21 days ago have i opened my heart to another little girl. for weeks i put off shopping as i knew the memories that would flood my mind, when in fact i got up the nerve, would haunt me for a long time to come. tonight, as i left baby gap with little girls clothes, my eyes filled with tears. as hard as it has been to wake up every morning knowing i will never hold her again, i am finally ready to move forward. i thank you for pushing me towards that inner peace. i realized that it is time for me to move on from grieving the loss of a child i raised as my own to accepting the fact that we had a relationship like no other. while i am excited to see little addison there is a part of me that is scared to death of the bond that inevitably will form. i love her already. thank you for allowing me to love your son. i am envious of your strength and courage as a mom and a working mom at that. thank you for looking past the scars and bruises that are forever buried in my soul and loving me for me. i love you back.

godspeed my love to your second angel and may your delivery go smoothly. with any luck i will be there. thank you for all the happiness your family brings me. the smiles are countless and the memories limitless.

t.r.g. dead

it looks as though our law firm days are coming to a close. cait is going to work for her mom downtown....and i, i dont know what i will do.

i dont want to work more hours at the pharmacy for 2 reasons.
1. its less money and a shitload more work
2. i will not see cait for the first half of the week at all.

she is back at school. i hate it. probably because i am out and not working....for another week, then classes start for me.

i hope we dont fall apart. it is really stressing me out. its hard to be strong and act like everything is ok when really, i feel like something is going to happen to us. with all this talk of not being able to see her for days at a time, i become more scared of what is to come.

some think i worry about things that are out of my control too much. maybe i do. i have come to realize it is just who i am.

time to attept to get a full nights sleep.

two years

june 3, 2005

it’s been two years. two very long years. i still hurt. i still cry. i still wonder why.

it was never a secret, i haven’t been the same since. the date is forever burned into my mind. i sit alone and dread the sixth month of the year. june. june holds a painful past. the painful past from 2003 and 2004. two years that changed my life forever, in two very different ways. two years that were a struggle. a struggle i cannot put behind me, where it belongs.

i can look back today and be thankful. thankful i am alive. thankful for a family who didn’t abandon me in the way that so many women and children are abandoned when faced with sexual misconduct. thankful that my family assembled a net to catch me when i fell. thankful to have had the opportunity to do what is right in the face of sex crimes, knowing many never have the strength or courage to do so.

thankful that i have a mother who supports my every decision, my every dream, my every mistake. thankful that that mother is also a mom. a mom who selflessly put me first while dealing with her own personal hell. a mom that i am proud of, for more than just her growing strength and ability to handle everything thrown at her with dignity and grace. i am thankful for a father who is proud of any and every downfall as well as the rare achievement. a father that is way more than just a father, a man who is a dad. a dad who during sleepless nights would sacrifice his own rest for an hour of my own. a dad who fell to the ground dumbfounded at the idea that i was hurt once before. a dad that has wiped countless tears and forced millions of smiles just to see a ray of hope in the face of his child. thankful for a brother who never gave up on his only sister while watching her struggle through a fight she didn’t win. a brother who would stay up late into the night until we were both too exhausted to hold our heads up another minute. a brother who slept in my floor to make sure i too was sleeping. a brother who in his own way dealt with the turmoil and pain. a brother who as a child handled the situation like a man. a man i am proud to call my brother.

i am thankful for caitlin paige. the woman who showed me that i was capable of loving another. the one who gives me hope. she provides so much more than any person should. she makes me smile when all i feel are tears running down a tired face. she brings me peace on bad days and inspiration on good ones. her love, support, understanding, and friendship are like no other and i am proud to call her mine.

looking back allows me to remember where i have been while being forever grateful to have made strides at restoring personal faith and trust. i can still see the pain in the mirror, especially today. i remember the struggle and how disgusted i felt, and it hurts just the same. every action of this very day is so vividly burned into my memory. those memories i cannot escape. my only hope is that neither can he. i hope he is living in a hell that never cearses to exist. i hope he suffers too. i hope he has a painful death.

the anger within me never lessens. for two years i have faught the anger that is fighting to get out. the anger that wants to yell and scream and be irrational. its not who i am, just a part of my past. a past that is dark. a past that shall forever remain in the past.

as i choose to spend much of the 3rd day of june alone i reflect on the progress. the progress i never thought i’d make. the progress that now brings pride somewhere deep within that i didn’t give up like so desperately wanted to. the progress that allows me to sit here and write this piece in remembrance. the progress that allows me to continue to dream as big as i ever did. the progress that allows me to draw each and every breath i breathe.