deep

wow. what an emotionally draining day.

first- i finally got up the nerve to go buy cait's sister's baby shower gift. i havent bought little girls baby clothes from there in ages. i cried. i remembered colleen and the clothes she would pick out from there. all those memories came flooding back. it hurt.

second- i am in my study talking to cait and doing a little anatomy work when my mom comes in to tell me that wes (colleen's dad, and the second man who sexually abused me) walked in the new little restaurant in town while her and my dad were having dinner. after the publicity and all the legal things that are still wrapped up in this case, i would think the dumbass would stay away from my family. so, not only does he show up but he shows up with another man. wes is married still (somehow, she is just as much of an idiot as he is) with 2 children. and apparently this was an affair, the man wes was with was very gay and the two meet at pure (restaurant) every night at that time. so the saga continues.

below the cut is a letter i wrote to cait's sister that i am not sure will ever reach her hands.

august 24, 2005

callie-

perhaps i am at fault for bad timing, but this has been itching to escape me for some time now. the day you found out you were having a girl, i cried. not once since colleen left my life two years, two months, and 21 days ago have i opened my heart to another little girl. for weeks i put off shopping as i knew the memories that would flood my mind, when in fact i got up the nerve, would haunt me for a long time to come. tonight, as i left baby gap with little girls clothes, my eyes filled with tears. as hard as it has been to wake up every morning knowing i will never hold her again, i am finally ready to move forward. i thank you for pushing me towards that inner peace. i realized that it is time for me to move on from grieving the loss of a child i raised as my own to accepting the fact that we had a relationship like no other. while i am excited to see little addison there is a part of me that is scared to death of the bond that inevitably will form. i love her already. thank you for allowing me to love your son. i am envious of your strength and courage as a mom and a working mom at that. thank you for looking past the scars and bruises that are forever buried in my soul and loving me for me. i love you back.

godspeed my love to your second angel and may your delivery go smoothly. with any luck i will be there. thank you for all the happiness your family brings me. the smiles are countless and the memories limitless.

t.r.g. dead

it looks as though our law firm days are coming to a close. cait is going to work for her mom downtown....and i, i dont know what i will do.

i dont want to work more hours at the pharmacy for 2 reasons.
1. its less money and a shitload more work
2. i will not see cait for the first half of the week at all.

she is back at school. i hate it. probably because i am out and not working....for another week, then classes start for me.

i hope we dont fall apart. it is really stressing me out. its hard to be strong and act like everything is ok when really, i feel like something is going to happen to us. with all this talk of not being able to see her for days at a time, i become more scared of what is to come.

some think i worry about things that are out of my control too much. maybe i do. i have come to realize it is just who i am.

time to attept to get a full nights sleep.