5 years

the usual annual post...that i had no intentions of writing until i could not keep the lump in my throat a minute longer.

that nagging tear in my right eye has been there since i woke up this morning. the thought of this day has been hidden - i try not to think about it.

my mission: to finally put this in a safe place and move forward. i say every year i am not ready. i am not ready to stop hurting but this year, i wanted so badly to look up and notice that june 3rd passed without a second thought.

tomorrow i will wonder how i made it 5 long years and i will know the answers. they all have a name and a significant place on a shelf i call my heart. so many words are spoken out of admiration and respect - still it feels wrong. still a part of me is raw.

the bigger part of me wants to be that person that is capable of letting go, putting the pain away, and being the visual i feel that i should be.

in five years i have conquered 2 trials and countless days spent laying in the floor convulsing in anger and sadness.

the eating disorder sickening feeling has surfaced and i have faught it all day - another bout with that is the last thing i need...emotionally anyway.

i want to say that this song on my friend rachel's cd - has saved me these last few days. i love her and i am honored to say that i carried these lyrics in my pocket through my second trial in its entirety.

lean

it makes me wanna cry to see you walk through each day
like you're in hell on earth
there are no words
and i cant change the cards you've been handed
it's not fair and i cant stand that it turned out this way
so all i an say is

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

you wont show your scars to no one
always trying to be the strong one
and save the day
but you're not okay
cause you can't run when you're on empty
and i can't help if you won't let me
this burden you're draggin
ain't even yours to hold
so just let it go and

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

cry some tears
admit you're scared
and know that i'm right here so

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean