christmas is coming.

i have found the five year old within my soul. i love love love christmas and of course the closer it gets to 12/25 the more excited i get. thank goodness the most perfect day of the year is almost here.

cait and i are ready! merry christmas!

new music

what a great season for new tunes.

darius rucker's second album charleston sc 1966 is great.

kenny chesney's hemingway's whiskey is growing on me.

sugarland's incredible machine - most definitely a departure from what was expected after love on the inside, but not in a bad way.

sister hazel - heartland highway, dont bother.

jamey johnson's the guitar song is country at it's best. great writer and solid production.

zac brown - you get what you give - LOVE THESE GUYS.

billy currington's enjoy yourself....i did not :(

COMING SOON -

t.swift - haven't bought it yet....eh

jason aldean's my kinda party - excited about this one. love this dude.

brad paisley - hits alive - interesting way to do a live record...should be good.

reba mcentire's all the woman i am - icon, cant go wrong.

loretta lynn tribute - excited to hear it but "you're the reason our kids are ugly" didnt make it.

ku's get closer - cant wait

rascal flatts - nothing like this - honestly almost over this band...one last shot boys

and that brings us to november 23....my birthday is the dead zone for new releases. sad.

tuesday

cleaning on a tuesday feels like the weekend. couple loads of laundry and then bedtime.

invisible.

for seven years i have wondered, for seven years i have imagined, and for seven years i have missed her.

last night in a sea of people i saw her again. things change from 3-10. she has grown. as i turned around to confirm one of my deepest fears, there she was with her mom. i'm sure her mom was telling her something because the angel nodded my way and i felt the tears pour from my eyes.

i've never felt more alone in a crowd. i was stuck and my heart was pounding. all i could think about was the possibility that her dad was somewhere close by.

our saturday turned to a bigger nightmare when i realized he was in fact about 15 feet from me.

c approached him to get her point across. she was asked to leave. doc surprised me as well.

its a feeling that never goes away when our paths cross - sometimes i think it gets easier and then i am immediately knocked on my ass.

i finally saw her and her big brown eyes saw me - so now the wonder changes to who she thought i was. i feel certain it wasn't a true explanation but what parent wants to explain to their child just how big of a monster their father really is. i understand.

i know it isn't easy loving me or being with me - i have scars on my heart and holes in my soul. i cried more last night than i have in a long time with my past as the cause.

sometimes, i wish i had an eraser. sometimes, i wish i was tough and unaffected. and sometimes, i wish i was invisible.

weekend.review.

friday

-beer and "wings" at $3 jr.

-chopped peppers/onions/meat for shower kabobs

-m.f.e. sleep over

saturday

-pool

-kabob assembly and garage clean up for the shower

-returned a $75 polo (INSANE) to dillard's; thank god i found it cheaper (and smaller)

-wardrobe change for shower

-SHOWER

sunday

-cleaned out my closet and dresser. two heaps of clothes so far for t.t.'s garage sale

-laundry

-lunch with a pretty girl

-shopping; 2 button ups, 3 t-shirts, and a belt for $44....score

-picked up my wedding ring; cpg's should be in soon

-picked up kabobs and fruit from mom

-grocery store

-dinner - amazing

-pissed its after 9 :(

weekend.and.rash.

"you can stop by, you can not by, smooth cridibles."

addy sang smooth criminal. we ate mexican food. rocked on the play ground. saw toy story 3. ate popcorn and airheads. finally, we swam....with no floaties. i was proud of them.

uncle randy and nana cooked dinner saturday night....and i got my ass whipped in foosball. damn.

sunday was more wedding details with our moms over lunch. still alot to do and high anxiety is an understatement. party city for some decor for shower 2 and the ceremony at the cape.

sunday morning brought the return of satan's rash. a hot, leathery, raised, red, rash down my calf. this afternoon i went to the dermatologist like i should have the last time it showed up. meds are already working and it's a little less obnoxious.

it's monday.

hang.nail.

um, pulling part of your finger nail out of your right thumb is dangerous when playing guitar a few hours later.....no.more.finger.picking.

good think i like a pick :)

tonight i should be doing laundry - the rockies are forming in the closet and bathroom, but i'm not.

comings soon: top five records of all time and this summer

adventures of maddox, addison, dacki, and re

MI

pretty detroit is not my most favorite place on earth. MGM grand was bad ass though.

seven.

nothing profound or shocking this year, i was hoping something great would come out of me tonight. been sad for a couple days and more than likely even more sad tomorrow.

few lyrics that evoked a tear within the past few days.

"feels good to feel something, even if it's pain" - warren brothers

"i will learn to love what i cannot change, i will learn to let go of what i cannot change" - leann rimes

"give me strength to stand on my own" - arlington priest

"everyone knows i'm in over my head" - the fray

count.

three days in and i have had 5 bud lights and a giant rum runner. (just drinking with dinner).

holy.delay.

two days in to what is becoming a 5 day business trip across the entire state of south carolina.

this trip is going leaps and bounds better than my dallas trip that was an emotional train wreck. i've had my moments and the nights are pretty rough. regardless, i'll be home to her by lunchtime friday at the latest.

too bad i'm detroit bound on 6/7.

before that, i'll have a great long weekend with my girl.

really excited to attend our first shower at her old neighbor's house friday night.

oh these property inspections can't end soon enough!!!

found.

the other day while saving documents off an old mac i discovered 20ish pages that i have written since june 3, 2003 that haven't been published. the last paragraph of what was entitled "4" still grips me.

4 in it's unaltered entirety written may 30,2007

another graduation and another party is over. it never occurred to me that i would actually graduate again, nor did i really ever think it possible. it is a sigh of relief in a raging fire. i wonder if i will ever be able to approach june without feeling lost and weak, nor do i want too. i rely on so many different people to get me through each day, especially now. i never want to forget or stop feeling, sadly i am still not ready to let it go. i desperately need to be consumed by my thoughts, so i can process them and realize how they really make a human feel when they aren’t repressed within a chemical depression treatment.

perhaps not the smartest endeavor, i decided to take myself off of zoloft yet again. my insurance expires any day now and really, depression/anxiety medication is not an expense i am willing to afford right now. i am aware and alive feeling things i haven’t felt in a year. there is a part of the battered heart and soul that is deadened by zoloft yet it is resurrected at its ceasefire.

the days with sun coming through the window are extremely short while i await the moon beams appearance on the wall. i can pretend in the daylight, it is the darkness that is most terrifying. as painful as it is, i crave the emotional breakdowns that force me to accept my humanity by shaking my foundation to the ground. now that the zoloft is out of my system, i am lost emotionally and it is a relief to know that i haven’t voided myself of the experience to be real with what is ever so present in the back of my day to day for the remainder of the year. knowing how fresh and new this can be ignites a fight within, a struggle that reminds me of what has not been forgotten while endorsing the battles i have yet to endure.

four years that spanned a lifetime yet in the blink of an eye have passed, and i wouldn’t trade it for anything at all. the emotional floods and the mountains of strength i have mastered the portrayal of, are hidden from the world yet they meet me in my darkest hour to prove, each facet of my being, is different from the others. tears blanket my vision, to magnify the truth. memories never fade.

55

just got home with a new 55 inch t.v. - can't wait to get the 40 inch hooked up in our room.

nascar at martinsville MIGHT be the best race ever.....if my girlfriend pulls it off!

t.c.

march 4th t.c. played eddie's attic in decatur.

i was 100% blown away. i knew she was a good player, writer, entertainer, artist, and singer....i just didnt know HOW GOOD.

this woman had alot to do with my own guitar obsession and love of my own cowboy days - i sat for over 90 minutes watching her play alone on a small stage with 200 people present. moving.

definitely one of my 5 five shows ever and at this moment, THE best show i have ever seen.

costco.

35 rolls of toilet paper

16 rolls of paper towels

3 bottles of body wash

1000 ibuprofen tablets

2 boxes of tampons (96 per box)

10 pounds of boneless, skinless, chicken breast

36 bottles of water

2 bottles of contact solution

spending $135 in one place is worth it - buying household shit in bulk is brilliant.

heart.slow.down.

simple words, rest in peace m.k. on an old friends facebook status sparked a curiosity within.

reading this child's story touched my heart and i cant seem to catch my breath. such a strong girl and her siblings hurt so deeply. this family was forever changed just before 6 p.m. tonight.

i hope she can finally rest.

h.u.r.t. - and i've never met this family.

this.is.it.

inspired.

i have finally been able to move past what i believe to be michael's biggest shortcomings and allowed my self to fall in love with the icon that forever changed music as we know it.

i truly believe m.j. is the definition of an entertainer, songwriter, and musician worldwide.

i sit in awe watching this is it for the first time tonight.

my heart hurts again for a legend has been lost.

the legacy lives.

tunes.

not looking forward to any of the new releases in the next few months....this sucks.

my girlfriend just looked over at me while watching the bachelor (jake) and said "that's cute, he's a sweetheart." i love her.

ten.

1. working from home today...ice.

2. girlfriend is catching a cold....i hope she beats it.

3. sciatica is still pinched....obnoxiously annoying/painful.

4. car was waxed last weekend. love it.

5. serenity - the new record from anita cochran is fantastic. love love love her.

6. long way home - terri clark's new release is also STILL in heavy rotation.

7. i broke two guitar strings...on two different guitars wednesday night.

8. slept an hour and 40 minutes later than normal this morning and still need a nap.

9. true religions are still not hemmed...perhaps i'll drop them off next week.

10. first "snow day" since i have been out of school and it happend on JEAN day. wtf.