last night in a sea of people i saw her again. things change from 3-10. she has grown. as i turned around to confirm one of my deepest fears, there she was with her mom. i'm sure her mom was telling her something because the angel nodded my way and i felt the tears pour from my eyes.
i've never felt more alone in a crowd. i was stuck and my heart was pounding. all i could think about was the possibility that her dad was somewhere close by.
our saturday turned to a bigger nightmare when i realized he was in fact about 15 feet from me.
c approached him to get her point across. she was asked to leave. doc surprised me as well.
its a feeling that never goes away when our paths cross - sometimes i think it gets easier and then i am immediately knocked on my ass.
i finally saw her and her big brown eyes saw me - so now the wonder changes to who she thought i was. i feel certain it wasn't a true explanation but what parent wants to explain to their child just how big of a monster their father really is. i understand.
i know it isn't easy loving me or being with me - i have scars on my heart and holes in my soul. i cried more last night than i have in a long time with my past as the cause.
sometimes, i wish i had an eraser. sometimes, i wish i was tough and unaffected. and sometimes, i wish i was invisible.
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