tattoo.3.

12/17/2011

1. cody transfered the signature and the detailed drawing that took two hours.

2. holding by breath while he outlined....i'm thinking that the color should hurt less.
3. shading...yep it was worse than the outline.
4. right after he said "done," then remembered he had to turn the eye white and finish the waves.
5. DONE - for real this time. it's all healed up now. no redness or swelling.

domain.geekness.

caved. faught it off for a long long time.....and now a domain.

as if i needed another geek feather. :)

kristian bush at eddie's was phenomenal and ms. hall made me laugh. the woman at the table in front of us watched the entire show through one of three cameras. it was comical watching her try to work her touch screen smart phone that was not an iPhone.

jason connelly at 'cue saturday night with mr. and mrs. barron. damn that man is talented.

we are still waiting on baby everett!! come on, handsome. show us your face!!! ((even though we are kind of rushing you)).

shopping.and.other.news.

the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem....i think i finally/officially have a problem. :)

purchased in the last 3 weeks.

1. 64 gb iTouch
2. 12-string seagull canadian guitar
3. 24 inch iMac
4. bag full of goods from j.crew
5. p90x including the new videos
6. yo gabba gabba stuff for my prince charming
7. hotel size crate / mattress insert for my lil boy


tonight i went to the grocery store for more than just gatorade for the first time since cait threw me away. much to my surprise, the 5lb box of cuties is BACK!! bought all kinds of stuff - kind of exciting.

i've lost all the weight i need to lose so next is toning and getting ready for the re-appearance of some muscles. brother's tattoo artist should be back very soon and the inner bicep tattoo shall begin. so far there are too many plans to fit in such a small tender spot.

nettles got married saturday - what a bummer :)

started christmas shopping today...cyber monday! HEY!!

skinny.

how do you go from 155 to 118 in 9 months?

ALOT of exercise from January to April. ALOT of changing eating habits from April to July. and a lot of heartache from July until now. I have been steady at 115-120 for the last 60 days.

after two months of pulling my pants up and showing my underwear to the world, i've replaced all of my jeans. now my new ones are slightly big (the true religion outlet is TROUBLE for a jean snob)...back in an xs shirt which is fun. flat stomach and bird legs...now if only i can turn this into a 6 pack i'll be even better. it actually might help if i stop drinking beer everyday but then again, what fun is that.

i've recorded audio to the song below...maybe one day ill auto tune that beesh and post it.....maybe one day.

what.i'd.say.

this is an old earl thomas conley song that gary allan re-did in the 90s. both versions are similar...the lyrics are absolutely perfect. days get easier, sleep comes quicker, and the beer flows freely.

check out these lyrics - sat in my office and cried, and cried, and cried.

Talkin' to the mirror, whispering your name
It's just like you were here, you'd think I was insane
I hold these conversations in the silence of my room
Rehearsing all the things I'd say should I run into you

How's it goin', might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know
Or it looks like rain today
Or God I've missed you
Since you went away
You're lookin' well
Or go to hell
Might be what I'd say

There's time I've been so angry
I could put my fist right through the wall
And then there's times I've come so close
To givin' you a call
I love you and I hate you
All at the same time
Then I pray you'll come back to me
Before I lose my mind

How's it goin', might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know
Or it looks like rain today
Or God I've missed you
Since you went away
You're lookin' well
Or go to hell
Might be what I'd say

Or maybe, God I've missed you
Since you went away
You're lookin' well
Or go to hell
Might be what I'd say

you.should.have.seen.me.saturday.night.

title stolen from an old jodee messina song. ;)

last night sugarland ended their incredible machine tour at philips arena. i had pit tickets and finally balled up and asked an old friend to go. she is cute, fun, a super music fan, and a major foodie. she challenged me all night. she made reservations for terrace at the ellis. we walked the couple of miles from her midtown condo to the restaurant for dinner and drinks. waiter was beyond bad and i appreciated watching her give him a run for his money. for a suburban girl who loves the simple jump in the jeep and drive kind of life, i LOVED being in the city on foot with her.

after dinner (i thought it was good but my foodie date was not impressed!) we walked a half a mile to philips. we missed most of sara b. but that's ok. hanging out with a girl i hadn't connected with in a while was refreshing to say the least. we grabbed a couple of beers and headed to the pit. her eyes lit up as the pit guard put her sugarland wristband on her and in we went. it was a great night singing and dancing together seeing a band we both used to see before much of the free world knew who they were.

after the show we caught a cab with her across the street neighbor and a friend and headed back to 13th for drinks. after midnight the conversation turned to totchos (nachos on tater tots) and she and i set off for nook. holy shit for getting home at 330 a.m.! much needed fun night out!

now i need to get my ass in gear and hit the grocery store and the laundry room to get ready for another crazy week.

last night - j and k. taken from the pit.

and.we're.off.

i knew it had been a minute but i didn't know just how many minutes.

i bought a taylor - it's fabulous and sounds amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

the house looks really really good...and so does the yard, thank goodness! new pinestraw makes one hell of a difference.

the jeep is getting a lift and a black top.

jake is so damn cute, i cant handle it. just me and the boy and it's really nice. i didn't think i'd say that but it is.

in other news, i am not sure how i am attracting two age groups of ladies that i have zero interest in. that would be 35+ (and by that I mean in their 4's!) and under 23 (or 20), WTF. give me something i can work with, eh?

i'll go ahead and credit this song for getting me over the hump so to speak. josh kelley is from augusta and this song is phenomenal. stopped me in my tracks, literally driving in the jeep in the country and had to stop to listen very carefully. thank you sir! all good here on the "broken heart front."

surely there is more to document but i'm being summoned by my 4-legged son that wants to play.

new.found.music.

songwriter hit a dry spell? add a broken heart and suddenly you overflow with words and melodies.

fresh tunes leads to the possibility of a new guitar. been looking at taylors, martins, guilds, and gibsons. decisions, decisions.

speaking of tunes quick run down of what's good in the recently released LPs:

eric church "chief" - great writer, musician, artist. great record. "springsteen" is phenomenal

luke bryan "tailgates and tanlines" - his best release yet. i like it alot more than i was expecting.

jake owen "barefoot blue jean night" - another collection of great summer tunes. <3

brantley gilbert "halfway to heaven" - great ga boy songwriter. re-relased his old independent LP

lady a "we owned the night" - i'm told it's great...i can't get through it without tears so i gave up.

colbie caillat "all of you" - love her voice and lyrics

matt nathanson "modern love" - i didn't think he could get any better. he did.

some of these might be repeats and i'm sure i left at least one out. great new music nonetheless.

vacation.solice.

vacation came and went. i had a nice week with mom, dad, tad, joey, and nana. we laughed, i cried (yes, still having those weak moments), we ate, drank, slept, walked, read, and tanned. learning to relax, one minute at a time. i constantly had a book in my hand to pass the down time.

i fell apart a couple times and then realized how shitty the end really was and i could get it back together.

the bottom line is that i had a beautiful girl with a huge heart and perfect smile for 7 years and 8 months. i miss her and all that we were. i dont miss who she has become these last few weeks.

"life aint always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."

7.days.

it's been a week since my world was rocked. progress. i'm done crying and trying to bring her back. i'm done being mad. i'm done wondering what she is doing or how she feels.

i want her to be happy and i assume she left to make herself happy, and that is ok. seven days later, it is fine.

"forget the bitter, keep the sweet, the bad was bad baby, but the good was great."

the house looks AMAZING. redecorated two bedrooms, an office, a half bath, part of the family room, and part of the kitchen.

i've learned that both bonnie raitt and terri clark both know what they are talking about.

"i cant make you love me if you dont." and "life goes on."

finally, i've been reminded of how devoted my friends and family are. to each of you that have texted, called, emailed, messaged, and more - i love you, and i hope i can help lift you up when you feel like you will never stand on your own again.

that was MUCH quicker than i thought - and i am ok with that.

time to snuggle with my lil double ear infected boy.

over.

after 7.5 years (a little more) my forever decided forever wasn't for her. i've loved her unconditionally since two weeks after i met her. she saved my life, put my heart back together after a devastating 2003, and was my soul rock every second of every day.

after 34 days of "working on it," and months of not being honest and forthcoming with herself or me, it was over.

10 days before our 1st wedding anniversary.

i have spent the weekend facilitating a move with a broken heart and completely redecorating an office and two bedrooms as well as the art on nearly every wall.

the most painful walk of shame was packing up a giant tub full of wedding pictures, cards, and souvenirs of the love we shared on nine4ten. it was the most perfect day of my life and her dreams were coming true. i dreamed of a wife for years and years and was waiting to make it legal when the pushing started. i planned a proposal for valentines weekend of 2010 and we were married on our favorite beach on nine4ten. we made a commitment in front of 50-60 of our closest family and friends. a commitment to forever - a forever that lasted less than a full year.

tonight it's me and my boy (who misses his other momma very much) in a house full of new things, yet i am empty. heart plucked from my chest and stomped into the foundation of a home we built together. a home i will now make my own.

i miss her face, her hands, her love, her laugh, her beautiful smile, and the way she made me feel when she hugged me tight and kissed my face. i miss the quiet moments at night when it was just the two of us listening to jake breathe heavily like our movement was disturbing him. i miss the weekends where we ate every meal out and the days on the lake baking in the sun. i miss the way she made me feel like i was important and attractive. i miss the shopping, the planting, the reading late at night. i miss her family and all that they meant to me. i miss football on saturdays on the couch and cookouts on sundays. i miss the singing in the car and the sunny days in the jeep. i miss the life we shared for 7 years and 8 months. for 7 years and 7 months we never argued or disagreed on anything...except for where/what to eat. i miss the marriage i thought would last a lifetime. i miss the wedding ring on my left finger. my heart aches for her and the amazing person she is. i only wish she would come home.

her words ringing in my ears keep me up at night and distracted during the day - "it's over, move on."

i've never really prayed, and never really knew how. however, for 5 nights and 4 days i have done nothing but beg and plead for the love of my life , my heart and soul, to come home.

down 27 lbs.

DONE losing weight my friends. from january until now i have lost 27 pounds and have found the flat stomach that took a hike in 2007. wahooo.

five.favorites.summer.2011

1. new red/black otter box commuter case.

2. barnes and noble membership (again, finally).

3. eno lounger - best seat EVER.

4. cheif - eric church

5. chaco flips

four.

four years ago yesterday a jury of 12 rose to give their verdict - i think of those 12 often. as flawed as i think the system is at times, i am reminded that it does work.

got.to.get.back.to.this.

but for now, i will say i miss watching linda drane burdick work the courtroom in the casey anthony trial.

she is phenomenal. i watched her prosecute one hell of a case - minute for minute, witness to witness. pissed i missed the few minutes that i did.

secondly, i am down between 15 and 17 lbs depending on the day. hoping for 10 more but i quit working out in april...not consciously, just got busy.

third, my hair is out of control. long-ish / surfer-ish. thinking of going a little shorter in the back..but i kinda like it long. and the never ending saga continues.

eight.

another year. another tear.

a decent mood approaching tomorrow until today. as i signed contracts with the casey anthony murder trial in the back ground my mind took off in the otherwise quiet 10x10. i'd date each one, 6/2.

i took a minute to feel my heartbeat in an uncomfortable place. i cried. tears pouring out for a good ten minutes i knew that, for the first time in a long time, i was proud of myself. i made a promise a few years ago to allow myself this day (or two) to remember and to really feel the grit of where i was and where i am. while i feel good about this eighth june 3rd i am sad. the same deep sadness i was eight years ago and every subsequent year. my heart is heavy and once again i feel like i am carrying the world.

i still feel like i need the sadness and terrible memories of the trials, the heartbreak of losing one, elation of winning one, and the rape center that changed my life. i find my strength in progress and the forever changed relationships i cherish. sick and twisted, it is my motivation.

i hurt to my core tonight - lump in throat, tight lungs, and undirected anxiety. i wait. i remember. i live. i love.

paint.

guitars got a new backdrop.

martini guitar storage.

took cait and i four hours but it looks really good. p.s. that blue tape sucks, i did better without it.

adding a little "high drama" to one wall - thick red stripe going up soon!

my.goodness.

everyone is pregnant. EVERYONE. scary. that is all!

tough

he was the only son to his mother. he was the only brother to his three sisters. he was an incredible uncle to six cousins. i miss him daily. march 7th my uncle ed took his first flight. it was a beautiful chilly morning, the first sunny morning in 3 days.

i miss his praise and his criticism. i miss his wise cracks. i miss his prickly kisses on my cheek because he was never clean shaven. i miss how he spoke so highly of all of us kids to his friends. i miss the "hey re" and "you know it" moments. i miss his big smile and how he hated my tennessee volunteers.

i find myself making faces - the ones that used to make him laugh while standing in my yard looking up.

"i'd like to get through a day without crying

night without asking why i cant stop thinking about you

get through a song without thinking

i'm drowning, i'm sinking

wondering how i'm ever gonna get through

but my feet just keep moving

and i know the truth is

nobody gets through life without losing"

oops

i have been posting pics to tumblr (bailey-smith.tumblr.com) on a pretty consistent basis.

anyway, i am down 8 pounds now which is great....but still have 5 to go. not as hardcore as i could be but whatever....slow go is fine.

last night i passed for a 13 year old....boy. yep fun times. waitress thought i was a young fellow anyway and my dad was just contributing to her stupidity. the only cool thing about it was that she said "so buddy, what do you play? drums? guitar? keys? what?" i will assume that it was my plaid shirt and rocker hair. then she proceeded to ask if i wanted to come play at a nursing home! oiy.

down.6.+.

after almost 6 weeks i havent completely changed my diet (and by that i mean hardly at all) i've managed to knock off 6 pounds. i'm not looking for the next 6 (and by that i mean last 6) to take another 6 weeks. in that time i took about 9 days off from working out. i'm digging MOST of p90x....yoga, ab ripper, stretching, cardio, plyo, and kenpo are the only ones i like :) the pull ups and push ups are not cutting it.

last night when i heard the garage door go up and her car door shut i played "i'll be," and when my wife came in, we danced.

today.

20 minute run this morning.

45 minutes of p90x yoga and ab ripperx tonight.

plyometrics starts at 425 tomorrow morning.

water and bed :)

2011

with every new year there are resolutions...i know, right. in 2011 i will strive to change the following.

1. lose 15 pounds. goal weight by spring is 130 - this isn't a resolution or a goal, it's a must.

2. continue hitting the gym at 5 a.m. but increasing from three mornings to five. cardio m/w/f and weights t/th.

3. be more decisive - i cannot make a decision to save my life, seriously.

4. eat healthier.

goodbye.2010.

sad to see 2010 come to an end. i planned a proposal, surprised the girl of my dreams and married her on a florida beach. wonder what 2011 will bring.