5 years

the usual annual post...that i had no intentions of writing until i could not keep the lump in my throat a minute longer.

that nagging tear in my right eye has been there since i woke up this morning. the thought of this day has been hidden - i try not to think about it.

my mission: to finally put this in a safe place and move forward. i say every year i am not ready. i am not ready to stop hurting but this year, i wanted so badly to look up and notice that june 3rd passed without a second thought.

tomorrow i will wonder how i made it 5 long years and i will know the answers. they all have a name and a significant place on a shelf i call my heart. so many words are spoken out of admiration and respect - still it feels wrong. still a part of me is raw.

the bigger part of me wants to be that person that is capable of letting go, putting the pain away, and being the visual i feel that i should be.

in five years i have conquered 2 trials and countless days spent laying in the floor convulsing in anger and sadness.

the eating disorder sickening feeling has surfaced and i have faught it all day - another bout with that is the last thing i need...emotionally anyway.

i want to say that this song on my friend rachel's cd - has saved me these last few days. i love her and i am honored to say that i carried these lyrics in my pocket through my second trial in its entirety.

lean

it makes me wanna cry to see you walk through each day
like you're in hell on earth
there are no words
and i cant change the cards you've been handed
it's not fair and i cant stand that it turned out this way
so all i an say is

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

you wont show your scars to no one
always trying to be the strong one
and save the day
but you're not okay
cause you can't run when you're on empty
and i can't help if you won't let me
this burden you're draggin
ain't even yours to hold
so just let it go and

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

cry some tears
admit you're scared
and know that i'm right here so

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

take me as i am

a lyric -

They keep staring at my tattoos

We all live with the scars we choose

They may hurt like hell

But they all make us stronger - s.l.

i want another tattoo.

on a side note, look at nettles <3. there has to be more of these somewhere...this was the 4th or 5th concert in 04.

how young were we....at least my hair was somewhat of the bad ass equivalent

bama

we painted cait’s memaw’s house in clanton saturday and sunday. i am NO painter even though i talked a damn good game.

oh and i went to the peach place and picked peaches.

disclaimer : i have no career in painting or peach picking.

tons of idiots on the road this weekend....wtf, really?

today we were at lib’s pool....which is top secret b/c t.t. never really called. we just showed up with paige and nemo and acted like we knew what we were doing....borrowing lib’s POOL! i love it.

all i wanna do

that performance was AMAZING on the ACMs.

really.

and the video - hot damn.

the boy

the lump came back benign. thank goodness.

in other news, i am being promoted june 1. ah ahem - i am really excited. i love it down there.

i am so frustrated with mens clothes at express.....i have been wearing the small 1mx BUT i need an extra small....and they have like 5 total in the whole damn store.

dinner at mom’s.

tonight is the ACM’s and sugarland is performing all i wanna do....and i cant wait.

i <3 j.n.

jake

my little man.


a bump came up on his leg about two weeks ago. it got bigger. we went to the doctor, $500 to remove it. there is no way we can afford it. 

another few days, it gets bigger.

another vet, watch it and take the antibiotic, if it gets bigger we will remove it.

it is hard - not a good sign. awkward place to operate - not a good sign. growing - not a good sign. on his leg - good sign. he is a baby - good sign. no other side effects - good sign.

my baby boy is having surgery on wednesday morning to remove hopefully just the bump, not his leg.

if this mass is cancerous i will go broke paying for his treatment. i cannot let him go. 



your moms love you little boy.



i never thought i would feel this way about a dog. i rush home every day to see him. call cait to see how his morning was, worry about his every move...and now this. 

all of the doctors have scared us, i hope they are wrong, i hope he is going to be alright with four legs and not three.

above everything else, i want him to have a full life, no matter what. and i will do whatever i have to do, to make that happen. 

tonight i hope that cait noticed it early enough. i hope that the antibiotic for the last week have done some good. i hope it is benign. i hope they are wrong. i hope she is right. i hope that he is too young to have what many think he does. i hope they can close his incision. 

too many emotions. one sweet face. two brown eyes wondering why all we do is cry and hold his 75 pound frame as tight as we can. 

i love him.

fight, handsome boy, fight - and we will fight for u.

i will remember you...

today she turns 8.

ironically we just finished watching the sarah mclachlan storytellers dvd, she didn’t play this song - thankfully. 



for her:

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



Remember the good times that we had?

I let them slip away from us when things got bad

How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun

Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one



I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep

It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard



But I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light



And I will remember you

Will you remember me? 

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



And I will remember you

Will you remember me? 

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories


Weep not for the memories

sugarland @ the fox

WHAT A SHOW! from the variety playhouse to the roxy, hi fi buys to selling out the fucking fox theater - THEY ROCK. i was totally blown away - again.



i remember seeing them play the mini stage at country fair 4 years ago, thinking who are these people? and now i have never been more moved and proud of a hometown band that i watch grow from the bottom up, inside - out and outside - in. 



tonight the curtain dropped and flood gates opened. i thought about aunt kristen and where she was and what she was thinking. i miss her and hearing her and seeing her. tough love.



jennifer and kristian - what a duo. i mean, really. it was so surreal. i remember texting kathy thinking HOLY SHIT - these are the same people cait, kathy, and i stood at their feet for YEARS. 



i used to make shirts w/ sayings on them for kristen and jennifer and kristian always got a kick out of them.



anyways, i am SO happy for them and seeing them play to a sold out home town crowd was stunning - really.



i <3 them!



OHHHH and the new record is going to be FUCKING FABULOUS! did that sound gay?

amy kuney

so i was on youtube when i first walked in the door tonight - the office was intense the last oh, three hours i was there. 



anyway, i stumbled upon amy kuney - who rocks. check out her covers on youtube...but just go to her myspace page.



http://www.myspace.com/amykuney



all of us lyric whores can appreciate her.



i said to cait earlier, " she looks like kat von d would sound." BUT WHAT I MEANT WAS the girl can sing, really well....AND looks like kat von d.

quirk

talking to mindy tonight i was reminded of the weird little things i dont even quite understand.



i throw up every time i brush my teeth.



i cant eat sandwiches on regular bread - i only eat the bites w/ crust. especially if it is turkey or chicken or some meat.



cait has to fix the covers every night before i go to bed b/c she doesnt make her bed when she gets up in the morning....i cant do it!



i have a strict routine in the morning and if i do something out of order my whole day is ruined....or i have to go back to the beginning and start over.



by 10 a.m. every morning my hair is up - and i dont even look at the clock, it just happens.



it is very rare that i go to bed with dishes in the sink.



every night when i lock the office, i walk across the parking lot to my car get in, get out and go back to check the door, TWICE. it is ridiculous.

i set my alarm 3 times every night as well.



i am overly anal about my laundry and the way that it is folded.



my inner red comes out when i get angry.



i seem like a pushover but you will know i am in charge in no time, just try me.



um, i do go to the nail lady...only for my feet. eek. i just lost major points there.



i am sure there are others but for now, this will suffice.