oh shiz

just back from the beach. i had a blast. the house was amazing, the water was amazing, and the food....amazing.

mornings were spent on the beach with the waves, bocce ball, and the sand. afternoons encompassed “beverages” at the pool. nights involved restaurants, road trips, and “beverages.”

first paid vacation = complete! i really had a blast. i think cait and i did a fantastic job financiall

etheridge and life

mle played chastain last night. i got cait and i pretty damn good seats - 8th row a little left of center. it was phenomenal.

the show was amazing! a few songs in, we locked eyes once the older ladies took a seat and sang:

“i wanna find me a car, with only one headlight

a straight 6 ford on a good luck night,

i wanna roll down the windows and teach you to fly

give you a thrill, the kind you can’t buy”

and i nearly freaked

she smiled right at me a handful of times...which WILL put you on a head trip.

being so close to a talent of that magnitude rocked. for the first time ever (that i have seen) there were TONS of empty seats. regardless, she sounded great and thankfully played alot of album cuts from all of her records and quite a few from the awaking....which every human should own. the material comes across very political but she has a way with words and melodies that is unparalleled in this universe. i love her more every time i see her live - go figure. the most entertaining songwriter. she rocks.

on another note, but not TOTALLY unrelated, i am overly content with my life now. i have an amazing relationship with my girlfriend, and my career (yes yes it is) is taking off almost flawlessly. it is wonderful to be who you really are in a business environment. i really have the best co-workers around.

50 from jami

1) Favorite hobby? music

2) Have you ever smoked heroin? negative

3) Do you own guns? negative

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? i dont go - cept for cherry limeade

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? no

6) What do you think of hot dogs? i think i have to eat them sometimes

7) Favorite Christmas song? all i want for xmas is a real good tan - k.c.

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? starbucks, juice, choc. milk

9) Can you do push ups? sure

10) Can you do a chin up? sure

11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry? cait’s ring, spinner ring, and tiff. necklace from the parentals

12) Do you like blue cheese? yup

13) Ever been in a car wreck? yup

14) Do you have ADD? i did at the beginning of college....i can control it now sorta

15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself? i need to lose 15 lbs....

16) Middle name? bailey

17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment..

1) l.c. is retarded

2) it is 10:30

3) melissa etheridge on friday!!!!

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday

nothing!

19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. coke zero, bud select, gatorade

20) Current worry? fuckin continuing ed

21) Current hate right now? him

23) How did you bring in the New Year? with my girlfriend and my fam.

24) Where would you like to be right now? w/ her in the sand

25) Name three people who will complete this? eh

26) Do you own slippers? yep

27) What shirt are you wearing? under shirt...lame i know

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? nope

29) Can you whistle? not well

31) Would you be a pirate? sure but i dont know what they do

32) What songs do you sing in the shower? deb, hinkle, halcyon, indigo’s

33) Favorite girl's name? mason

34) Favorite boy's name? jake

35) What's in your pocket? no pockets

36) Last thing that made you laugh? cait messing w/ l.c.

37) Best bed sheets as a child? i had boring sheets as a kid

38) Worst injury you've ever had? broken forearm...i think

39) Do you love where you live? yes

40) How many TVs do you have in your house? 3

41) Who is your loudest friend? hmm up for grabs

42) How many dogs do you have? 1

43) Does someone have a crush on you? she might

44?? why is there always a question missing

45) What is your favorite book? to kill a mockingbird

46) What is your favorite candy? twix and reeces

47) Favorite Sports Team? vols

48) What song do you want played at your funeral? um no

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? sleeping

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? i’m warm

5 years

the usual annual post...that i had no intentions of writing until i could not keep the lump in my throat a minute longer.

that nagging tear in my right eye has been there since i woke up this morning. the thought of this day has been hidden - i try not to think about it.

my mission: to finally put this in a safe place and move forward. i say every year i am not ready. i am not ready to stop hurting but this year, i wanted so badly to look up and notice that june 3rd passed without a second thought.

tomorrow i will wonder how i made it 5 long years and i will know the answers. they all have a name and a significant place on a shelf i call my heart. so many words are spoken out of admiration and respect - still it feels wrong. still a part of me is raw.

the bigger part of me wants to be that person that is capable of letting go, putting the pain away, and being the visual i feel that i should be.

in five years i have conquered 2 trials and countless days spent laying in the floor convulsing in anger and sadness.

the eating disorder sickening feeling has surfaced and i have faught it all day - another bout with that is the last thing i need...emotionally anyway.

i want to say that this song on my friend rachel's cd - has saved me these last few days. i love her and i am honored to say that i carried these lyrics in my pocket through my second trial in its entirety.

lean

it makes me wanna cry to see you walk through each day
like you're in hell on earth
there are no words
and i cant change the cards you've been handed
it's not fair and i cant stand that it turned out this way
so all i an say is

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

you wont show your scars to no one
always trying to be the strong one
and save the day
but you're not okay
cause you can't run when you're on empty
and i can't help if you won't let me
this burden you're draggin
ain't even yours to hold
so just let it go and

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

cry some tears
admit you're scared
and know that i'm right here so

lean
if you need to
i will hold you
i wanna make this lighter and
smile
like you mean it
you dont have to brave it on your own
you're a fighter
but even heroes need to
lean

take me as i am

a lyric -

They keep staring at my tattoos

We all live with the scars we choose

They may hurt like hell

But they all make us stronger - s.l.

i want another tattoo.

on a side note, look at nettles <3. there has to be more of these somewhere...this was the 4th or 5th concert in 04.

how young were we....at least my hair was somewhat of the bad ass equivalent

bama

we painted cait’s memaw’s house in clanton saturday and sunday. i am NO painter even though i talked a damn good game.

oh and i went to the peach place and picked peaches.

disclaimer : i have no career in painting or peach picking.

tons of idiots on the road this weekend....wtf, really?

today we were at lib’s pool....which is top secret b/c t.t. never really called. we just showed up with paige and nemo and acted like we knew what we were doing....borrowing lib’s POOL! i love it.

all i wanna do

that performance was AMAZING on the ACMs.

really.

and the video - hot damn.

the boy

the lump came back benign. thank goodness.

in other news, i am being promoted june 1. ah ahem - i am really excited. i love it down there.

i am so frustrated with mens clothes at express.....i have been wearing the small 1mx BUT i need an extra small....and they have like 5 total in the whole damn store.

dinner at mom’s.

tonight is the ACM’s and sugarland is performing all i wanna do....and i cant wait.

i <3 j.n.

jake

my little man.


a bump came up on his leg about two weeks ago. it got bigger. we went to the doctor, $500 to remove it. there is no way we can afford it. 

another few days, it gets bigger.

another vet, watch it and take the antibiotic, if it gets bigger we will remove it.

it is hard - not a good sign. awkward place to operate - not a good sign. growing - not a good sign. on his leg - good sign. he is a baby - good sign. no other side effects - good sign.

my baby boy is having surgery on wednesday morning to remove hopefully just the bump, not his leg.

if this mass is cancerous i will go broke paying for his treatment. i cannot let him go. 



your moms love you little boy.



i never thought i would feel this way about a dog. i rush home every day to see him. call cait to see how his morning was, worry about his every move...and now this. 

all of the doctors have scared us, i hope they are wrong, i hope he is going to be alright with four legs and not three.

above everything else, i want him to have a full life, no matter what. and i will do whatever i have to do, to make that happen. 

tonight i hope that cait noticed it early enough. i hope that the antibiotic for the last week have done some good. i hope it is benign. i hope they are wrong. i hope she is right. i hope that he is too young to have what many think he does. i hope they can close his incision. 

too many emotions. one sweet face. two brown eyes wondering why all we do is cry and hold his 75 pound frame as tight as we can. 

i love him.

fight, handsome boy, fight - and we will fight for u.

i will remember you...

today she turns 8.

ironically we just finished watching the sarah mclachlan storytellers dvd, she didn’t play this song - thankfully. 



for her:

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



Remember the good times that we had?

I let them slip away from us when things got bad

How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun

Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one



I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep

It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard



But I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light



And I will remember you

Will you remember me? 

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories



And I will remember you

Will you remember me? 

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories


Weep not for the memories