vacation.solice.

vacation came and went. i had a nice week with mom, dad, tad, joey, and nana. we laughed, i cried (yes, still having those weak moments), we ate, drank, slept, walked, read, and tanned. learning to relax, one minute at a time. i constantly had a book in my hand to pass the down time.

i fell apart a couple times and then realized how shitty the end really was and i could get it back together.

the bottom line is that i had a beautiful girl with a huge heart and perfect smile for 7 years and 8 months. i miss her and all that we were. i dont miss who she has become these last few weeks.

"life aint always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."

7.days.

it's been a week since my world was rocked. progress. i'm done crying and trying to bring her back. i'm done being mad. i'm done wondering what she is doing or how she feels.

i want her to be happy and i assume she left to make herself happy, and that is ok. seven days later, it is fine.

"forget the bitter, keep the sweet, the bad was bad baby, but the good was great."

the house looks AMAZING. redecorated two bedrooms, an office, a half bath, part of the family room, and part of the kitchen.

i've learned that both bonnie raitt and terri clark both know what they are talking about.

"i cant make you love me if you dont." and "life goes on."

finally, i've been reminded of how devoted my friends and family are. to each of you that have texted, called, emailed, messaged, and more - i love you, and i hope i can help lift you up when you feel like you will never stand on your own again.

that was MUCH quicker than i thought - and i am ok with that.

time to snuggle with my lil double ear infected boy.

over.

after 7.5 years (a little more) my forever decided forever wasn't for her. i've loved her unconditionally since two weeks after i met her. she saved my life, put my heart back together after a devastating 2003, and was my soul rock every second of every day.

after 34 days of "working on it," and months of not being honest and forthcoming with herself or me, it was over.

10 days before our 1st wedding anniversary.

i have spent the weekend facilitating a move with a broken heart and completely redecorating an office and two bedrooms as well as the art on nearly every wall.

the most painful walk of shame was packing up a giant tub full of wedding pictures, cards, and souvenirs of the love we shared on nine4ten. it was the most perfect day of my life and her dreams were coming true. i dreamed of a wife for years and years and was waiting to make it legal when the pushing started. i planned a proposal for valentines weekend of 2010 and we were married on our favorite beach on nine4ten. we made a commitment in front of 50-60 of our closest family and friends. a commitment to forever - a forever that lasted less than a full year.

tonight it's me and my boy (who misses his other momma very much) in a house full of new things, yet i am empty. heart plucked from my chest and stomped into the foundation of a home we built together. a home i will now make my own.

i miss her face, her hands, her love, her laugh, her beautiful smile, and the way she made me feel when she hugged me tight and kissed my face. i miss the quiet moments at night when it was just the two of us listening to jake breathe heavily like our movement was disturbing him. i miss the weekends where we ate every meal out and the days on the lake baking in the sun. i miss the way she made me feel like i was important and attractive. i miss the shopping, the planting, the reading late at night. i miss her family and all that they meant to me. i miss football on saturdays on the couch and cookouts on sundays. i miss the singing in the car and the sunny days in the jeep. i miss the life we shared for 7 years and 8 months. for 7 years and 7 months we never argued or disagreed on anything...except for where/what to eat. i miss the marriage i thought would last a lifetime. i miss the wedding ring on my left finger. my heart aches for her and the amazing person she is. i only wish she would come home.

her words ringing in my ears keep me up at night and distracted during the day - "it's over, move on."

i've never really prayed, and never really knew how. however, for 5 nights and 4 days i have done nothing but beg and plead for the love of my life , my heart and soul, to come home.

down 27 lbs.

DONE losing weight my friends. from january until now i have lost 27 pounds and have found the flat stomach that took a hike in 2007. wahooo.

five.favorites.summer.2011

1. new red/black otter box commuter case.

2. barnes and noble membership (again, finally).

3. eno lounger - best seat EVER.

4. cheif - eric church

5. chaco flips

four.

four years ago yesterday a jury of 12 rose to give their verdict - i think of those 12 often. as flawed as i think the system is at times, i am reminded that it does work.

got.to.get.back.to.this.

but for now, i will say i miss watching linda drane burdick work the courtroom in the casey anthony trial.

she is phenomenal. i watched her prosecute one hell of a case - minute for minute, witness to witness. pissed i missed the few minutes that i did.

secondly, i am down between 15 and 17 lbs depending on the day. hoping for 10 more but i quit working out in april...not consciously, just got busy.

third, my hair is out of control. long-ish / surfer-ish. thinking of going a little shorter in the back..but i kinda like it long. and the never ending saga continues.

eight.

another year. another tear.

a decent mood approaching tomorrow until today. as i signed contracts with the casey anthony murder trial in the back ground my mind took off in the otherwise quiet 10x10. i'd date each one, 6/2.

i took a minute to feel my heartbeat in an uncomfortable place. i cried. tears pouring out for a good ten minutes i knew that, for the first time in a long time, i was proud of myself. i made a promise a few years ago to allow myself this day (or two) to remember and to really feel the grit of where i was and where i am. while i feel good about this eighth june 3rd i am sad. the same deep sadness i was eight years ago and every subsequent year. my heart is heavy and once again i feel like i am carrying the world.

i still feel like i need the sadness and terrible memories of the trials, the heartbreak of losing one, elation of winning one, and the rape center that changed my life. i find my strength in progress and the forever changed relationships i cherish. sick and twisted, it is my motivation.

i hurt to my core tonight - lump in throat, tight lungs, and undirected anxiety. i wait. i remember. i live. i love.

paint.

guitars got a new backdrop.

martini guitar storage.

took cait and i four hours but it looks really good. p.s. that blue tape sucks, i did better without it.

adding a little "high drama" to one wall - thick red stripe going up soon!

my.goodness.

everyone is pregnant. EVERYONE. scary. that is all!