through the clouds

i have watched the sky look between the clouds most of the day. the light shinging through revealing the blue gives me hope - a little at least.

tomorrow is it. it refers to the culmination of the anxiety and the finality of my weakness. i will strive to be strong however i know myself well enough to know that i will crumble at the mercy of his Ph.D. as i sit in a dim room with a stranger who will determine the extent of the damage, i will struggle to allow him to see the pain, anger, hurt and saddness that exists behind a wall. i feel small, really small - almost as if i have something wrong with me. the truth is, i do have something wrong with me. i can block it out and pretend what i am and how i feel is normal, however i now know that what i live with is not a normal state of existance.

i am haunted by him when i sleep, controlled by him when i eat, and smothered by him as i breathe. my heart is heavy, my knees weak, my soul aches, and my mind finds a way to function if only for a moment at a time.

i seek solace in my thoughts and truth in my emotions. all is real, all is raw.

as the clock ticks on, my heart beats faster. my eyes are swollen with unrested sleep and my leg twitches uncontrollably to the point of distraction.

i am terrified of the outcome, but i am ready to show my scars. the scars i am ashamed of but others times, i am proud of them for they hold the truth that tells my story. i guard them as if the tissue will thin, and the remanants of where i have been will disappear. until i have the will to let it go, i am clutching tightly to the things that make me whole- including where i have been, the things i have lost and the things i have found.

back!

alright, shit! i have been at the lake for 5 days home for a couple to unpack, repack and leave for the beach. we finally pulled in the drive at around 2 this afternoon. i have unpacked everything and put it away (only to repack it all up in two weeks when cait and i move).

yep, me and cait are moving out. after over two and a half years, it is time. we are both super excited.

the lake as a blast, i tore it up on cait's jetski.

family vacation was FULL of family. yikes. it was my family (including cait), my uncle, my grandmother, my aunt her and her family, and a couple of mom's friends from oklahoma. we laughed and laughed and laughed. the mornings were full of laying out and dumping various people off of rafts in the pool. the ocean was freezing. we saw dolphins and sea turtles. uncle bill saw a manatee. our favorite yoga man was there again. we have decided he lives there and every morning in his red speedo and yellow swim cap he does yoga for an HOUR then swims up the beach forever in the ocean and RUNS back. this man is close to 70 years old for christ sake.

the deck (restaurant) was awesome, as always. bethany and kai were there so all 12 of us got star treatment. we ate in a private room with air coditioning. the deck is located on the halifax river 20 minutes from the condo. it is outside with covered seating. the building itself is pretty big. everyone must wait in line (usually an hour and sometimes 2 hours in june and july) order at the counter then find a table and the food runners will bring it to you. we skip the line and have for the last 5 years thanks to bethany.

time to shower and find some mexican for dinner.

ugh

this whole myspace being down thing is aggravating the shit out of me. i didn't know how great myspace was until now, i cant get on it and i am bored in class...AND i couldn't sleep last night.

i got a hair cut. 15 inches off. it is super short.

i am done with nutrition- took my last test this morning.

at 12:15 yours truly is teaching a 6 minute aerobics class. hi/lo, step, and kickboxing. this is going to be the looooongest 6 minutes of my life. weeee, here we go.

filled.

i got my cavity filled. hot right? haha. it didnt hurt...the novacaine that was supposed to last an hour lasted the whole damn day. almost 6 hours later i could feel my tongue. SUCKED.

i took a test today in ex. leadership. cake. OH and can i please mention that i will NEVER be coordinated enough to do/lead/teach step aerobics. WTF? it is the hardest shit of my life.

dr. k.j. is funny.

we got through season 1 of the l word. i am majorly pissed off with the stunning bette porter. WHAT IS THE THINKING!?!?! her relationship with tina was so sweet, though she was busy alot and sometimes said things to tina that sucked....i liked her. ALOT.

also, dana...what is that looney bin she brought back from vacation? i dont get it.

i hate jenny. she is annoying.

that my friends is my opinion of the l word thus far.

tonight- dinner with starla.
tomorow- possibly the lake. possibly season 2 marathon w/ cait :) karaoke with maryellen at wild wing HAHA.
friday- nutrition quiz online. more l word. time w/ my lova.
saturday- so far the plan is to go back to the lake house.

3 years, part II

more -

today i woke up reminding myself that this year on june 3 i would be strong. tonight i have realized that i am not at a point to be strong on june 3. there is a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart. something that is always with me just a little more present right now. i have broken my self down, i have cried, and i have wondered a few too many times, why? i know i may never have an answer. could it be my fault for clinging so tightly to june or to the 3rd of june, or to the significance of 2003? i haven't figured out why i feel things so much deeper this time of year. i sit here now every bit as raw as i was when i got home from grady hospital on june 3, 2003 at just after 5 p.m. i hurt just as deeply. i am every bit as angry. i want him to suffer, worse than i have. worse than i ever will. i want to know that his life is as hard as mine now. i know deep inside of me that it is not. i try to sleep and find it hard to breathe. i try to eat and once again, after such a long struggle with my weight that refusing food is not an option. when i drink, i nearly choke. i try to carry on a conversation and i lose my mind in 2003. i wonder if it is healthy for me to allow myself to sit and think and dwell and cry and think some more. somewhere, in my soul i feel as though someday somebody will benefit from my life, and especially the hardest parts. i know that i will fight to save others from the feelings of desparation and despair. i know that by standing up and using the voice that i have been given, that i must somehow, some way make a difference. it is nearly 2 a.m. i have barely budged from my seat in the last 3 hours. the only movement in the room are the tears that continue to roll like the ocean down my cheeks, off of my exhausted red face and onto my favorite red t-shirt. she turned 6 this past april. it has been so long, surely she doesnt remember me and the things we shared so very long ago in her short little life. i take her with me, she is there, in every thing i do. even still. when i see her walking down the street, i glance at her wondering if she ever saw me again, if she would know who i was and who i have become. today my life is hard. today my heart is heavy. most of all, today, i feel everything to my very core.

3 years

it has been three years since my world was turned up side down and my foundation was shattered. i remember life before june 3, 2003 and there are days when i am not too fond of the life i live after june 3, 2003.

it is a day forever burned deep into my soul. a day that wears heavy on my heart and mind. i layed there quiet, lifeless yet feeling every single move. even the minute ones. feelings that are hard to forget. memories that drive me to be who i am everyday.

the word bitch is no longer a derrogatory word, it is a badge i wear daily, with honor. i appreciate the connotation of the word because i have learned that to be taken seriously and to catch nobody's excess bull shit, i must be very hard. i walk around like i have some sort of authority and people respect that. whatever it may be.

i am still angry, bitter, upset, and extremely emotional. there is a stubborn part of me that would love nothing more to never lose these feelings. as long as they are present, i am reminded of a) where i have been and b) how far i have come and c) what i am going to do to change the lives of others who have seen what i have seen and worse.

tonight i know i wont sleep. tomorrow i know i wont eat and i will feel everything 10 times more than i should.

to my beautiful girlfriend that i hope to one day make my wife- thank you for your support and undying understanding of just how unforgettable this day is. your love means more to me than i can ever express in words. written or spoken. i thank you, from the bottom of this tangled soul.

school starts back on may 31 for summer session. my three weeks off have been really great so far. i am a bit bummed b/c cait graduates on friday and i go back wednesday....not such great timing. the whole time i have been off she has had school and work and now that she is out of school and just working, i have both.

oh well someday, ill be done. i HOPE that someday is next may.

i bought kick ass seats to the melissa etheridge show in august. thankfully, it is after summer school is over but before fall starts.

garrison is coming back on june 21. i cant wait to see her again, i missed her last time due to school. this time, its a wednesday and i have classes that morning but just working the next day.

i am supposed to be "watching" cait's cousin tues/thur from 9 or 930 - 2:30. he is 13 so i am guessing its more of a taxi service.

new music: dixie chicks - taking the long way
jack johnson - in between dreams
little big town - the road to here (it's not really new, but i just bought it.)
brian littrell - welcome home
nick lachey - what's left of me

all are great....all different kinds of music...LOVE new music tuesdays. those are the latest from the last mmmm 3 or 4 weeks or so.

crushed

rest in peace james brimer.

i miss him already. uncle james died over the weekend. his wife, two son's, daughter in law, and grandson were in texas visiting other family, upon their return to oklahoma kim found james with a broken neck and cold as ice in the kitchen floor.

he apparently passed away sometime early saturday morning. godspeed.

perhaps one of the most supportive men in my life. he was a huge cheerleader for me through all the turmoil. tonight kim talked of my strength. i now can say, i have none. i cannot imagine her pain. i barely held it together for a simple "i am sorry."

uncle james, thank you for everything. "where ever i go, i take you with me." - mle.

she called

garrison starr called me from criminal records so i could say hey. she proceded to give me shit about not coming to her show and studying everytime she is in town. HELLO!?!? i have a GPA to maintain. i <3 her anyways.

thanks cait and kat for arranging that. yall rock.

hatcher

i had this long piece i had written regarding the 14 year old who took her life as a result of child molestation but for some reason, i deleted it. it is stories like these that drive me and fuel the passion i have for the law and this very flawed so called justice system. the reason sex crimes are the most under reported crime in the nation is because the system puts the "victim/survivor" on trial NOT the prick who actually committed a crime.

i hate the way the media has covered this story. "the startling secret." i mean, come on. really.

i hurt for the young girl and her family because i know how hard it is.

the more days go by the more i am reminded of the two instances that happened twelve years apart by two different men, the trial, the testimony, the aquittal based upon "indictment of the wrong charges," the eating disorder, depression, identity crisis, and the pain i pulled my family through all for my own vindication. the anger and pain is still very real. as much as i would like to not think about it and let it control me, i cannot because my past is very much who i am today.

so many women have endured sexual misconduct, sex abuse, child molestaion and whatever else you choose to call it and it didnt make headline news for two days. oprah, ellen, melissa etheridge, and others.

lets not all jump down my throat for this.

break

i finished finals on december 14th. that same day i bought my self a christmas present. the new 17 inch imac g5. i really love it. its rather different but i am adjusting i suppose.

before christmas i saw the last of three gstarr shows. she is way incredible. michelle malone, nini camps, and amelia white were also very good.

christmas went much better than i could have expected. most years i get one or two things i am disappointed about b/c i didnt ask for it nor do i have any use for it. THIS year that was not the case. my mom and dad got me a surge protector/battery back up for the mac as well as a kick ass sub system for the mac! LOVE IT. lets see, they also got me crocs, underwear, socks, an ipod cover, itunes gift certificate, and a load of UT stuff.

cait came over to open her mountain of presents. my parents got her a bad ass fender amp (same one they got me for my birthday), a led zepplin (sp) stool, and cologne. i gave her a wallet, cologne, and clothes. mom and dad fixed her up a fab stocking containing the same bits that mine and my brothers did.

later that morning i went to her house to open my mountain. it was amazing. my stocking was perfect. it had a nerf b-ball hoop for the door, a nascar tony stewart thinger, long johns for our trip next weekend, and bunches of travel trial size stuffs. her mom and dad bought me a set of luggage, a sweater, the nancy grace book (oh how i love her), gloves, and i know for a fact i am forgetting something. from cait there was clothes from hollister and ae, nascar video game, sara evans cd, universal ipod dock that works with my remote control on the computer, she also bought extra stuff for my stocking.

i left to go play with my youngest cousin who rocks my socks off. he called a million times that morning asking me to come play foosball (sp), ping pong, and ps2. i did because everyone in my house was a sleep. my mom, dad, and brother came down around 4. christmas dinner was the best yet. so amazing to have the whole family together and laughing and all participating in the same convo. definately should do that more than twice a year.

new years eve i spent with cpg and her mom and dad and our neice and nephew. so cute. i put maddox to bed after charlie and the chocolate factory was over (johnny depp version, FREAKY). he cried a bit but was quiet as soon as i shut the door. since his sister was born in september he sleeps in the big boy bed so addy can have the crib. i attatched the bed rail so he couldnt fall out. not ten minutes later i heard footsteps above. i ran up stairs and he had gotten out of the bed and couldnt figure out how to get back in! he was laying in the floor. i laughed really hard. we drank champagne and played tj's trivia game. FUN. i came home shortly after midnight and laughed with my brother and his buddy slade. they coerced me to taste jack and coke. GROSS! didnt like that shit at all!

the break has been wonderful. i have read ALOT, the new wynonna book twice. slept. played on the mac. dropped my laptop on the power cord so it has been shipped out to replace a dead spot in the screen from forever ago and the power plug. after an argument cait bought me a dvd/vcr combo thing and it FREAKIN ROCKS! i have watched videos i had recorded of wynonna, mle, tc, and sugarland on the tv! my vcr broke and only one *dvd or vcr* could be hooked up with the tivo.

i went to the outlets to swap my dad's house shoes...and i got my chain wallet that i posted about a couple days ago! i bought cait the black polo she has been wanting for quite a while.

tomorrow we are going to see broke mountain or whatever it is. cait is dying for that.

yesterday morning my childhood friend chris' wife brooke gave birth to christopher david max brimer. congrats to them!

so that was long. sorry. perhaps i should be better at keeping up....or maybe nobody reads this anyways.

hope the holidays were pleasant for everyone else