3 years, part II

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today i woke up reminding myself that this year on june 3 i would be strong. tonight i have realized that i am not at a point to be strong on june 3. there is a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart. something that is always with me just a little more present right now. i have broken my self down, i have cried, and i have wondered a few too many times, why? i know i may never have an answer. could it be my fault for clinging so tightly to june or to the 3rd of june, or to the significance of 2003? i haven't figured out why i feel things so much deeper this time of year. i sit here now every bit as raw as i was when i got home from grady hospital on june 3, 2003 at just after 5 p.m. i hurt just as deeply. i am every bit as angry. i want him to suffer, worse than i have. worse than i ever will. i want to know that his life is as hard as mine now. i know deep inside of me that it is not. i try to sleep and find it hard to breathe. i try to eat and once again, after such a long struggle with my weight that refusing food is not an option. when i drink, i nearly choke. i try to carry on a conversation and i lose my mind in 2003. i wonder if it is healthy for me to allow myself to sit and think and dwell and cry and think some more. somewhere, in my soul i feel as though someday somebody will benefit from my life, and especially the hardest parts. i know that i will fight to save others from the feelings of desparation and despair. i know that by standing up and using the voice that i have been given, that i must somehow, some way make a difference. it is nearly 2 a.m. i have barely budged from my seat in the last 3 hours. the only movement in the room are the tears that continue to roll like the ocean down my cheeks, off of my exhausted red face and onto my favorite red t-shirt. she turned 6 this past april. it has been so long, surely she doesnt remember me and the things we shared so very long ago in her short little life. i take her with me, she is there, in every thing i do. even still. when i see her walking down the street, i glance at her wondering if she ever saw me again, if she would know who i was and who i have become. today my life is hard. today my heart is heavy. most of all, today, i feel everything to my very core.