i got my cavity filled. hot right? haha. it didnt hurt...the novacaine that was supposed to last an hour lasted the whole damn day. almost 6 hours later i could feel my tongue. SUCKED.
i took a test today in ex. leadership. cake. OH and can i please mention that i will NEVER be coordinated enough to do/lead/teach step aerobics. WTF? it is the hardest shit of my life.
dr. k.j. is funny.
we got through season 1 of the l word. i am majorly pissed off with the stunning bette porter. WHAT IS THE THINKING!?!?! her relationship with tina was so sweet, though she was busy alot and sometimes said things to tina that sucked....i liked her. ALOT.
also, dana...what is that looney bin she brought back from vacation? i dont get it.
i hate jenny. she is annoying.
that my friends is my opinion of the l word thus far.
tonight- dinner with starla.
tomorow- possibly the lake. possibly season 2 marathon w/ cait :) karaoke with maryellen at wild wing HAHA.
friday- nutrition quiz online. more l word. time w/ my lova.
saturday- so far the plan is to go back to the lake house.
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
Saturday, June 3, 2006
3 years, part II
more -
today i woke up reminding myself that this year on june 3 i would be strong. tonight i have realized that i am not at a point to be strong on june 3. there is a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart. something that is always with me just a little more present right now. i have broken my self down, i have cried, and i have wondered a few too many times, why? i know i may never have an answer. could it be my fault for clinging so tightly to june or to the 3rd of june, or to the significance of 2003? i haven't figured out why i feel things so much deeper this time of year. i sit here now every bit as raw as i was when i got home from grady hospital on june 3, 2003 at just after 5 p.m. i hurt just as deeply. i am every bit as angry. i want him to suffer, worse than i have. worse than i ever will. i want to know that his life is as hard as mine now. i know deep inside of me that it is not. i try to sleep and find it hard to breathe. i try to eat and once again, after such a long struggle with my weight that refusing food is not an option. when i drink, i nearly choke. i try to carry on a conversation and i lose my mind in 2003. i wonder if it is healthy for me to allow myself to sit and think and dwell and cry and think some more. somewhere, in my soul i feel as though someday somebody will benefit from my life, and especially the hardest parts. i know that i will fight to save others from the feelings of desparation and despair. i know that by standing up and using the voice that i have been given, that i must somehow, some way make a difference. it is nearly 2 a.m. i have barely budged from my seat in the last 3 hours. the only movement in the room are the tears that continue to roll like the ocean down my cheeks, off of my exhausted red face and onto my favorite red t-shirt. she turned 6 this past april. it has been so long, surely she doesnt remember me and the things we shared so very long ago in her short little life. i take her with me, she is there, in every thing i do. even still. when i see her walking down the street, i glance at her wondering if she ever saw me again, if she would know who i was and who i have become. today my life is hard. today my heart is heavy. most of all, today, i feel everything to my very core.
today i woke up reminding myself that this year on june 3 i would be strong. tonight i have realized that i am not at a point to be strong on june 3. there is a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart. something that is always with me just a little more present right now. i have broken my self down, i have cried, and i have wondered a few too many times, why? i know i may never have an answer. could it be my fault for clinging so tightly to june or to the 3rd of june, or to the significance of 2003? i haven't figured out why i feel things so much deeper this time of year. i sit here now every bit as raw as i was when i got home from grady hospital on june 3, 2003 at just after 5 p.m. i hurt just as deeply. i am every bit as angry. i want him to suffer, worse than i have. worse than i ever will. i want to know that his life is as hard as mine now. i know deep inside of me that it is not. i try to sleep and find it hard to breathe. i try to eat and once again, after such a long struggle with my weight that refusing food is not an option. when i drink, i nearly choke. i try to carry on a conversation and i lose my mind in 2003. i wonder if it is healthy for me to allow myself to sit and think and dwell and cry and think some more. somewhere, in my soul i feel as though someday somebody will benefit from my life, and especially the hardest parts. i know that i will fight to save others from the feelings of desparation and despair. i know that by standing up and using the voice that i have been given, that i must somehow, some way make a difference. it is nearly 2 a.m. i have barely budged from my seat in the last 3 hours. the only movement in the room are the tears that continue to roll like the ocean down my cheeks, off of my exhausted red face and onto my favorite red t-shirt. she turned 6 this past april. it has been so long, surely she doesnt remember me and the things we shared so very long ago in her short little life. i take her with me, she is there, in every thing i do. even still. when i see her walking down the street, i glance at her wondering if she ever saw me again, if she would know who i was and who i have become. today my life is hard. today my heart is heavy. most of all, today, i feel everything to my very core.
Friday, June 2, 2006
3 years
it has been three years since my world was turned up side down and my foundation was shattered. i remember life before june 3, 2003 and there are days when i am not too fond of the life i live after june 3, 2003.
it is a day forever burned deep into my soul. a day that wears heavy on my heart and mind. i layed there quiet, lifeless yet feeling every single move. even the minute ones. feelings that are hard to forget. memories that drive me to be who i am everyday.
the word bitch is no longer a derrogatory word, it is a badge i wear daily, with honor. i appreciate the connotation of the word because i have learned that to be taken seriously and to catch nobody's excess bull shit, i must be very hard. i walk around like i have some sort of authority and people respect that. whatever it may be.
i am still angry, bitter, upset, and extremely emotional. there is a stubborn part of me that would love nothing more to never lose these feelings. as long as they are present, i am reminded of a) where i have been and b) how far i have come and c) what i am going to do to change the lives of others who have seen what i have seen and worse.
tonight i know i wont sleep. tomorrow i know i wont eat and i will feel everything 10 times more than i should.
to my beautiful girlfriend that i hope to one day make my wife- thank you for your support and undying understanding of just how unforgettable this day is. your love means more to me than i can ever express in words. written or spoken. i thank you, from the bottom of this tangled soul.
it is a day forever burned deep into my soul. a day that wears heavy on my heart and mind. i layed there quiet, lifeless yet feeling every single move. even the minute ones. feelings that are hard to forget. memories that drive me to be who i am everyday.
the word bitch is no longer a derrogatory word, it is a badge i wear daily, with honor. i appreciate the connotation of the word because i have learned that to be taken seriously and to catch nobody's excess bull shit, i must be very hard. i walk around like i have some sort of authority and people respect that. whatever it may be.
i am still angry, bitter, upset, and extremely emotional. there is a stubborn part of me that would love nothing more to never lose these feelings. as long as they are present, i am reminded of a) where i have been and b) how far i have come and c) what i am going to do to change the lives of others who have seen what i have seen and worse.
tonight i know i wont sleep. tomorrow i know i wont eat and i will feel everything 10 times more than i should.
to my beautiful girlfriend that i hope to one day make my wife- thank you for your support and undying understanding of just how unforgettable this day is. your love means more to me than i can ever express in words. written or spoken. i thank you, from the bottom of this tangled soul.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)