3 years, part II

more -

today i woke up reminding myself that this year on june 3 i would be strong. tonight i have realized that i am not at a point to be strong on june 3. there is a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart. something that is always with me just a little more present right now. i have broken my self down, i have cried, and i have wondered a few too many times, why? i know i may never have an answer. could it be my fault for clinging so tightly to june or to the 3rd of june, or to the significance of 2003? i haven't figured out why i feel things so much deeper this time of year. i sit here now every bit as raw as i was when i got home from grady hospital on june 3, 2003 at just after 5 p.m. i hurt just as deeply. i am every bit as angry. i want him to suffer, worse than i have. worse than i ever will. i want to know that his life is as hard as mine now. i know deep inside of me that it is not. i try to sleep and find it hard to breathe. i try to eat and once again, after such a long struggle with my weight that refusing food is not an option. when i drink, i nearly choke. i try to carry on a conversation and i lose my mind in 2003. i wonder if it is healthy for me to allow myself to sit and think and dwell and cry and think some more. somewhere, in my soul i feel as though someday somebody will benefit from my life, and especially the hardest parts. i know that i will fight to save others from the feelings of desparation and despair. i know that by standing up and using the voice that i have been given, that i must somehow, some way make a difference. it is nearly 2 a.m. i have barely budged from my seat in the last 3 hours. the only movement in the room are the tears that continue to roll like the ocean down my cheeks, off of my exhausted red face and onto my favorite red t-shirt. she turned 6 this past april. it has been so long, surely she doesnt remember me and the things we shared so very long ago in her short little life. i take her with me, she is there, in every thing i do. even still. when i see her walking down the street, i glance at her wondering if she ever saw me again, if she would know who i was and who i have become. today my life is hard. today my heart is heavy. most of all, today, i feel everything to my very core.

3 years

it has been three years since my world was turned up side down and my foundation was shattered. i remember life before june 3, 2003 and there are days when i am not too fond of the life i live after june 3, 2003.

it is a day forever burned deep into my soul. a day that wears heavy on my heart and mind. i layed there quiet, lifeless yet feeling every single move. even the minute ones. feelings that are hard to forget. memories that drive me to be who i am everyday.

the word bitch is no longer a derrogatory word, it is a badge i wear daily, with honor. i appreciate the connotation of the word because i have learned that to be taken seriously and to catch nobody's excess bull shit, i must be very hard. i walk around like i have some sort of authority and people respect that. whatever it may be.

i am still angry, bitter, upset, and extremely emotional. there is a stubborn part of me that would love nothing more to never lose these feelings. as long as they are present, i am reminded of a) where i have been and b) how far i have come and c) what i am going to do to change the lives of others who have seen what i have seen and worse.

tonight i know i wont sleep. tomorrow i know i wont eat and i will feel everything 10 times more than i should.

to my beautiful girlfriend that i hope to one day make my wife- thank you for your support and undying understanding of just how unforgettable this day is. your love means more to me than i can ever express in words. written or spoken. i thank you, from the bottom of this tangled soul.

school starts back on may 31 for summer session. my three weeks off have been really great so far. i am a bit bummed b/c cait graduates on friday and i go back wednesday....not such great timing. the whole time i have been off she has had school and work and now that she is out of school and just working, i have both.

oh well someday, ill be done. i HOPE that someday is next may.

i bought kick ass seats to the melissa etheridge show in august. thankfully, it is after summer school is over but before fall starts.

garrison is coming back on june 21. i cant wait to see her again, i missed her last time due to school. this time, its a wednesday and i have classes that morning but just working the next day.

i am supposed to be "watching" cait's cousin tues/thur from 9 or 930 - 2:30. he is 13 so i am guessing its more of a taxi service.

new music: dixie chicks - taking the long way
jack johnson - in between dreams
little big town - the road to here (it's not really new, but i just bought it.)
brian littrell - welcome home
nick lachey - what's left of me

all are great....all different kinds of music...LOVE new music tuesdays. those are the latest from the last mmmm 3 or 4 weeks or so.

crushed

rest in peace james brimer.

i miss him already. uncle james died over the weekend. his wife, two son's, daughter in law, and grandson were in texas visiting other family, upon their return to oklahoma kim found james with a broken neck and cold as ice in the kitchen floor.

he apparently passed away sometime early saturday morning. godspeed.

perhaps one of the most supportive men in my life. he was a huge cheerleader for me through all the turmoil. tonight kim talked of my strength. i now can say, i have none. i cannot imagine her pain. i barely held it together for a simple "i am sorry."

uncle james, thank you for everything. "where ever i go, i take you with me." - mle.

she called

garrison starr called me from criminal records so i could say hey. she proceded to give me shit about not coming to her show and studying everytime she is in town. HELLO!?!? i have a GPA to maintain. i <3 her anyways.

thanks cait and kat for arranging that. yall rock.

hatcher

i had this long piece i had written regarding the 14 year old who took her life as a result of child molestation but for some reason, i deleted it. it is stories like these that drive me and fuel the passion i have for the law and this very flawed so called justice system. the reason sex crimes are the most under reported crime in the nation is because the system puts the "victim/survivor" on trial NOT the prick who actually committed a crime.

i hate the way the media has covered this story. "the startling secret." i mean, come on. really.

i hurt for the young girl and her family because i know how hard it is.

the more days go by the more i am reminded of the two instances that happened twelve years apart by two different men, the trial, the testimony, the aquittal based upon "indictment of the wrong charges," the eating disorder, depression, identity crisis, and the pain i pulled my family through all for my own vindication. the anger and pain is still very real. as much as i would like to not think about it and let it control me, i cannot because my past is very much who i am today.

so many women have endured sexual misconduct, sex abuse, child molestaion and whatever else you choose to call it and it didnt make headline news for two days. oprah, ellen, melissa etheridge, and others.

lets not all jump down my throat for this.

break

i finished finals on december 14th. that same day i bought my self a christmas present. the new 17 inch imac g5. i really love it. its rather different but i am adjusting i suppose.

before christmas i saw the last of three gstarr shows. she is way incredible. michelle malone, nini camps, and amelia white were also very good.

christmas went much better than i could have expected. most years i get one or two things i am disappointed about b/c i didnt ask for it nor do i have any use for it. THIS year that was not the case. my mom and dad got me a surge protector/battery back up for the mac as well as a kick ass sub system for the mac! LOVE IT. lets see, they also got me crocs, underwear, socks, an ipod cover, itunes gift certificate, and a load of UT stuff.

cait came over to open her mountain of presents. my parents got her a bad ass fender amp (same one they got me for my birthday), a led zepplin (sp) stool, and cologne. i gave her a wallet, cologne, and clothes. mom and dad fixed her up a fab stocking containing the same bits that mine and my brothers did.

later that morning i went to her house to open my mountain. it was amazing. my stocking was perfect. it had a nerf b-ball hoop for the door, a nascar tony stewart thinger, long johns for our trip next weekend, and bunches of travel trial size stuffs. her mom and dad bought me a set of luggage, a sweater, the nancy grace book (oh how i love her), gloves, and i know for a fact i am forgetting something. from cait there was clothes from hollister and ae, nascar video game, sara evans cd, universal ipod dock that works with my remote control on the computer, she also bought extra stuff for my stocking.

i left to go play with my youngest cousin who rocks my socks off. he called a million times that morning asking me to come play foosball (sp), ping pong, and ps2. i did because everyone in my house was a sleep. my mom, dad, and brother came down around 4. christmas dinner was the best yet. so amazing to have the whole family together and laughing and all participating in the same convo. definately should do that more than twice a year.

new years eve i spent with cpg and her mom and dad and our neice and nephew. so cute. i put maddox to bed after charlie and the chocolate factory was over (johnny depp version, FREAKY). he cried a bit but was quiet as soon as i shut the door. since his sister was born in september he sleeps in the big boy bed so addy can have the crib. i attatched the bed rail so he couldnt fall out. not ten minutes later i heard footsteps above. i ran up stairs and he had gotten out of the bed and couldnt figure out how to get back in! he was laying in the floor. i laughed really hard. we drank champagne and played tj's trivia game. FUN. i came home shortly after midnight and laughed with my brother and his buddy slade. they coerced me to taste jack and coke. GROSS! didnt like that shit at all!

the break has been wonderful. i have read ALOT, the new wynonna book twice. slept. played on the mac. dropped my laptop on the power cord so it has been shipped out to replace a dead spot in the screen from forever ago and the power plug. after an argument cait bought me a dvd/vcr combo thing and it FREAKIN ROCKS! i have watched videos i had recorded of wynonna, mle, tc, and sugarland on the tv! my vcr broke and only one *dvd or vcr* could be hooked up with the tivo.

i went to the outlets to swap my dad's house shoes...and i got my chain wallet that i posted about a couple days ago! i bought cait the black polo she has been wanting for quite a while.

tomorrow we are going to see broke mountain or whatever it is. cait is dying for that.

yesterday morning my childhood friend chris' wife brooke gave birth to christopher david max brimer. congrats to them!

so that was long. sorry. perhaps i should be better at keeping up....or maybe nobody reads this anyways.

hope the holidays were pleasant for everyone else

hard

i knew this morning before my hand turned off the alarm at 5:40 that i would have a rough day. the kind of rough days i had for so long after the incident. the kind of day that i cried, and cried, and cried.

last night i saw my self with colleen and mitchell. i havent "seen" them in a long time. maybe they were dreaming of me and that is how they found their way to me. in fact, i wonder if they even know who i am anymore. i doubt it.

i cried for 10 minutes silently before grabbing my clothes and walking to the bathroom to shower. i put in my brothers contacts and got in the shower, wondering how in one night my vision could be so bad. everything was far away. i hurt my hand reaching for the shampoo bottle and i kicked the side of the tub wall getting out. after i got out, i realized that my contacts were in my drawer and that my brother had left his case where i usually leave mine. lovely.

i get dressed and once in the car, i lost it yet again. as i looked at the gigantic dodge truck behind me i saw colleen's face in his lights. at 6:20 i knew i wouldnt escape their thoughts all day long.

i skipped my 9:30 class because i was cried as the cold hit my face that i went back and sat in the truck. and cried while emailing cait. she is so good to me and i hate when days like this strike because i am a total bitch to everybody.

at 10:45 i went into the science building that i love so much and found an empty bathroom to wash my face in.

i had to leave shorly for a health place tour. i had to drive a girl. she bothers me. badly. she is so superficial that its really hard to describe. we left.

i returned the girl to her walk way and found another spot after we returned to campus. i cried for thirsy minutes. i am certian that everybody who saw me "holding it together" knew something bad was bothering me. even those who had never seen me before.

i got a sandwich from chick fil a and a red powerade as i so often do when i have bad days. i ate it before class started.

on my way home it started again, every second that i was alone today has been spent crying and wondering. today, i ask why. why why why. why do i hold on to things that were done to me. things that i stood up for and the justice system failed the hell out of me and my family as well as the community. WHY is he still living on days when i feel so trapped.

i thought it would be nice to hold addison or maddox. maybe it would cleanse me in some way. i went to the house, no answer. i called, no answer. i could hear maddox in there saying re. i twisted the knob, it was locked. as i left the porch i felt 2 inches tall. i cried. maybe just stopping by there to feel better was a bad idea. my day took a nose dive.

once home i wondered why i was still here. why i felt this way. why i didnt have enough strength to tell my girldfriend who i love so much. who would do anything for me. she still has no idea.

i cried and cried and cried some more since i got home at 2:30. i tried ot sleep and i could see both colleen and mitchell staring at me. i woke up paniced with a wet face. i cried through the "dream."

now its 7:30 and there still steady streams of water, falling from my eyes.

i would give anything in the world to see maddox or addy right now. i know that will not happen.

time to call cait and explain my oddness.

i am sorry i hurt so deeply. i am sorry i have days this bad.

birthday 11/23

so my 21st birthday was good.

my dad walked down the hall tuesday night with a fender amp (travel size) because i had been bitching about not being able to move my monsterous amps. IT KICKS ASS. i LOVE the new amp.

cait bought me two shirts, an electronic bar tender, ipod speakers, polo socks, a cd, and a drink mixer thing.

her mom and pops got me this kicks ass guess messenger bag.

callie and tj got me a remote control car and a giant carabeaner *sp.*

tammy (new boss) and richard - ginormous bottle of jose cuervo pre-mixed margaritas.

meemaw - $30 cash and a $20 starbucks card.

ninnie and u.bill - $10 starbucks card.

frissie (dad's mom) and pops - $100 check.

and mom and dad gave me $100 as well.

wednesday night mom, dad, tad, vince, cait and myself went to my favorite mexican place for dinner...dad and i had margaritas. HA it was odd.

it turned out far better than i had expected. cait is an angel. i love her more everyday. our 2nd anniversary is coming. december 7th.

new baby

my good friends lizz and pam (who i affectionately call momma lizz and momma pam) had their first child this afternoon. ben arrived at 1:25 p.m.
8 lbs and 22 inches long. pam is doing well and lizz is happy as can be!

this week i have 3 tests so i better get back to the books.