nine.thirty.

somehow, i am not sleeping through the night. i haven't always been a good sleeper...i've certainly had my bouts with insomnia and sleep deprivation but nothing recently. i could go to bed at 9 or 10 and sleep until 5:30. now i go to bed at 11:30 and am wide awake at 4. i've always been able to operate on minimal zzzzz and i'm still operating just fine. problem is, jake now thinks we need to play and go outside between 3-4.

annnnnd there is another problem. i am not a fan of feeling like i should go to bed at 9, struggling to find something to do until 11 only to be up downloading moronic television shows on my ipad at 3. or 3:19. or 4:04 as has been the case this week.

life at the office is pure insanity. 110%. i love what i do. i love who i do it with. i'm good at it. not blowing smoke, i'm really fucking good at it. problem is, i don't know when to stop. i don't know how to put it away and do something else. i am passionate about performance. i am driven by our rank. i am motivated by success. i thrive on solving problems, skipping lunch, working late, and maintaining my reputation. that said, i have a breaking point. i dont think i have ever broken from stress, or the work load, the agents, or a territory. in fact, i dont think i've ever said no or walked away with questions unanswered, decisions not made, or utter frustration pushing me down.

i drove home in silence. complete silence. i had one conversation on the phone. one via text. then, i fucking stood up and decided that THIS IS WHY I AM WHERE I AM. i'm the captain of this ship and i'll be damned if a single pirate is going to tear down what my blood, sweat, and tears built from the ground up from 08 until now. i'm a performer. and perform is what we do.

TY to mom and dad who delivered dinner at 9 p.m. (salad, dont fret).

i am grateful it is thursday, that i have a team of some pretty amazing people at the office, that my boys hold me up even when they want to beat my ass, that starbucks was delivered to my office this morning, that mom and dad care enough to drive 30 minutes for dinner, that SoCal knows me well enough to say 'buck up', and that i have the sweetest four-legged boy that loves unconditionally.

and now it's ten.

not.kidding.

good grief. it is only wednesday....i feel like it should be some time next week after how long the last three days have been.

literally yesterday, when talking to SoCal, i decided that it was wednesday...then realized our evening schedules were not in line for wednesday and suddenly she forced me back to tuesday. ew.

today tom (thomas, train, sweet-t) took the brunt of my excessive force and excessive cussing. sometimes i don't have the patience required to maintain my composure after repeated episodes of bullshit. today i lost it....more than once. so after tom calmed my red ass down for the fifth time we went downstairs only to find out that it was HIS turn to buy our drinks! how is that for turning it around. today we picked starbucks sparklers....see the following PSA for more on that fiasco. thank you handsome for being my punching bag. yikes....and stop visiting the farm without me. you dick. :)

public service announcement: the starbucks sparkers are weird as hell! its some random green coffee that they flavor to taste like juice and basically t-sweezy got ripped the f off! $8 for 2. ha. sorry bout your luck...back to red bull tomorrow!!

love driving the jeep at night - last night was on the chilly side. alright it was borderline cold. if i didnt have such big muscles, i am fairly certain i would have been cold.

finally, (because i just thought of this!!) if i had a $1 for every comment i've gotten on one particular picture of SoCal dancing in the living room i could pay april's mortgage. (this could potentially be news to one ms. SoCal, if you didn't know, you do now!). my favorite so far is from my super country housekeepers. "my gosh she sure is purdy, damn she is real real purdy."

obsessed.

i am fairly certain this is casey james' new single...best song on his record. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

love the way you miss me -

Girl the way you’re talkin’ now
And everything we’re talkin’ about
ain’t no way, no how
I can put this phone down
Even though we’re miles apart
I can feel you touchin’ my heart
Lyin’ here in the dark
Wishin’ I was where you are

CHORUS:
Baby, you’re driving me crazy
Girl if I could, you know I would
Be right there right now
Baby, you’re making me lose my mind
And I’m counting down the days ‘til I get home
I love the way you miss me when I’m gone

CHORUS

You know what I want to hear
Girl you’re comin’ in loud and clear
Like sweet music to my ears
What I’d do if you were here

CHORUS

Girl I hate these nights
When I can’t hold you tight
Because I know by your side
Is right where I belong

be.

perfect reminder. thank you, love.

bulleted.news.sorta.

depending on who you are...this may or may not be exciting.

1. today, i slowly opened the mailbox to discover quite a few envelopes (i love gettiing the mail...nothing good ever comes (except rolling stone), but i still love it....e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!). i get inside and discover a white envelope from an attorney. finally, MY RECORDED DEED! officially official.

2. aggravated the sciatica issue that started 5 years ago. i had gone two full years and three months without a flare up...pain in the ass....literally.

3. spent two hours talking to my aunt friday night. she spent quite a while talking about the way that i write...it's the best way that i can get my point across. effective writer. if only words flowed out of my mouth this easily. regardless, thank you. i do love a comma.

4. my boy has been super snuggly this last week.

5. no thanks to SoCal, jake is still off the bed which means folding laundry in my room instead of down the hall is fab-u-lous. pretty sure he knows who the soft one is.

6. truth, i wasn't going to shop for clothes and then, all of my dress clothes were HUGE on me. who cares, except for the three day client visit..seriously tragic looking pants and shirts that could very well hold two of me now. my girl forced me to express to get enough to get me through the week...thankful for that. whew. that oversized-playing-in-your-dad's-closet look would have been a hot mess.

7. finished the girl that played with fire.....this trilogy has me captivated. it is very gruesome in parts and many people thought i couldnt get through it. lisbeth salander is my freakin fiction she-ro. bad ass beesh.

8. bought the sweedish blu-ray box set. soon as i get through the hornet's nest it is ON!

9. still weigh 117 though several of you are trying to change that. f'ing stop.

10. gold starbucks card...yes bitches, i am that into it.

11. black, neon yellow, and red running/trail/training shoes are on the way. dr. c doing his thing to cure the "leggish butt" before they get here.

12. not sure if anyone has noticed but i am excited as hell to be back to see my girl in less than two weeks."it's not that bad, could be two years," well thank you for that, gorgeous.

13. lionel richie's duets album = love! couple of them make me wanna dance....but i wont!

sun.day.ram.blings.

currently stuck with one blue eye and one red eye. i'm not sure if it was weed remnants on my fingers or shampoo but it burns and looks amazing...

now i remember why i pay someone to cut the grass and put chemicals on it and trim bushes.....i'm certain i wouldn't mind so much if the yard was smaller.....i.e. not on a big ass corner.

i've had my face glued to the tournament since thursday night or my nose stuck in a book. some people are just nerds...i own it.

woke up this morning with waffles on the brain (this is a common occurrence). texted my dad to see if he was kidding about making waffles. he said he wasn't kidding and to come on...i have wondered all day if he made them because i asked or because he was already making them. regardless, there was the perfect amount of batter. coincidence? i dont buy it.

laundry going. iPad charging. jake sleeping. fans spinning. lungs tightening. girlfriend flying.

right before i started cutting the grass, i checked SoCal's flights....both the one from FL to ATL and the one from ATL to CA. i'm not amazing at math (and totally rely on SoCal for all number related questions) so it took a second to register. almost 90 full minutes in Atlanta. wheels start turning (slowly because it's the weekend!) i hustle and get the big side and the front...and decide i dont have time to do the little side yard. quickly shove the mower in the garage and make a run for the shower. i'm in the midst of drying my hair when my phone dings. something to the effect of if my flight is delayed your ass better be there. at which point i blow my own cover....ill be there anyway. clearly i forgot that my girlfriend is paranoid flyer...kind of like myself and the idea of her going back through security to make her flight home means EVERYTHING must go off without a single hitch. what i also failed to remember is that in the last few months several of her flights have had little delays.

as badly as i want to see her, if only for 5 short minutes, i didn't make the drive. good thing because after she turned her phone off, 10 minutes later she turned it back on. they had a 27 minute delay before take off which shortens the layover considerably.

distance is hard...but i wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. when three weeks sounds like forever and feels like an eternity she reminds me that it's not two years. it's the little things she says that knock the air out of my chest. i'm grateful for every text, call, email, skype, flight, weekend, and mini vacation (soon). i appreciate her and every second we connect, both in person and on opposite sides of this country. soul shaker. it's perfect.

break.

because sometimes we can't keep going until we break. this morning...is one of them.

last night i realized that nettles has sang duets with SO many people...mostly live on award shows.

adele - chasing pavements
lady gaga - you and i
matt nathanson - run
rihanna - california king bed
beyonce - irreplaceable
ronnie dunn - let him fly

however, the BEST award show performance came in 2009 on the ACMs, check it. lyrics are hot...and her performance is less polished and rehearsed than some others. i do wonder how long it took mr. bush and mr. patton to teach her that itty bitty mandolin part.

what i'd give

adorn.wednesday.love.

i have been thinking about this cover for the last 27 hours...for real. i found gabe a few years ago and he is phenomenal. OTS is his one take sessions. he sings and plays the song one time through....and that is what he uploads. this video sounds unreal on the studio beats....(and i'm sure the pro's). the acoustics on adorn pretty much force me to geek out. yes! no lie, this is 1000x better than miguel's original. wednesday love!

lyrics:

Yeah, these lips...
Can`t wait to taste your skin baby
No, no
And these eyes, yeah
Can`t wait to see your grin...
OOh baby
Just let my love
Just let mu love adorn you
Please baby, yeah
You gotta know x 2
You know
That I adorn you
Yeah baby
Baby these fist...
Will always protect ya lady
And this mind oh,
Will never neglect you,
Yeah baby,
Oh baby
And this thang
Trying to break us down
Don`t let that effect us,
No baby
You just got to let
My love...
Let my love x 2
Adorn you
Ahh, le, le, le let it
Just adorn you
You got to know
You got to know
Know that I adorn you
Just that babe
I, oh
Let my love adorn you baby...
Don`t you ever
Don`t you let no one
Tell you different baby
Always adorn you
You got to know
You got to know x 3
Now yeah...

march.madness.

truth: tonight i showered and almost put on b.ball shorts and a cut off shirt to watch these first two play-in games, instead soccer shorts and a real t-shirt.

once i actually got home and realized how nice it was outside i was looking forward to peeling a little of the jeep top off and hitting the backroads...then i showered and died on the couch. that is no exaggeration.

it's been a few weeks since i have watched any basketball games where it didn't matter and i could just sit and not have to TRY to be quiet - tonight success.

in fact, i remember in early february my mom asked if SoCal had watched a football or basketball game with me. the answer, "uh, no. she doesn't need to experience that yet." this past friday night while the SEC tournament was going on she got a wee little glimpse into the passion and emotion tied to "important games." funny!

later, texting about our next 3.5 weeks apart while she criss crosses the country for work and i hunker down for another end of month sprint to top tier i reminded her that by the time i'm back the tournament will be over. her response "good!" though she did immediately follow with, just giving you a hard time :).

western ky's comeback these last five minutes vs. miss valley state has been incredible.

mom stocked the fridge inside and out while i was gone. fresh milk and a new box of cereal? yes please. cereal time since i was virtually in a coma when the call for dinner rolled in.

monday.semi.blues.

it's monday after a gorgeous, flawless, sunny california weekend. it's 3:15 on the left coast (ha) and 6:15 on the right coast. this is the first time i've attempted working from my girlfriend's house. success for me...the boys, not so much. i love being here. i love being with her.

i don't like the goodbyes....or the see you soon....or see you in 3 weeks!!!! call it what you will and for the most part i own it. it is what it is. always been this way. however, i am determined to change it. i think i get better each time. nothing is as long as the two years and three months between the first and second. makes the last few months seem like cake right? wrong. :) hearts are different now.

the flip side to that is that i always have something to look forward too...and i wouldn't change a single thing in this relationship. it's just easy and simple and happy and she is good for me.

no nail biting, laundry on the regular, be yourself, smile alot, cleaned up the wardrobe, reading more, working less, and learning to relax. i love it.

the weekend highlights:

mani/pedi

pizza, wine, and crazy stupid love

double date at eddie v's

target :) to spoil the lil miss

toys r us to continue spoilage (ha) of the lil miss

2 p.m. starbucks iced coffee date

a million pounds of strawberries

watched 3 movies

finally had wahoos!!! loved it!

three is better than four which is better than five. weeks are shorter than months which are shorter than years. i am very thankful to have this woman in my life, especially right now, and especially in this very special way.

drink.on.it.

obsessed with this song....love the arrangement the most. second i love that it makes me feel like i could twirl a california girl around the dance floor.....anddddd i cant/dont dance. ;) third, only blake could get away with "he's such a prick," in a song.

fun fact - this song was co-written by one of lori morgan's ex husbands (no i dont know what number husband he was....and not keith whitley)

Drink On It - lyrics

Hey girl, hey where you goin

Come back and sit back down.

You look to good to be headin home so early now,

You say you gotta work tomorrow, got a lot on your mind.

Let my buy another round,

Girl I think you and I should just drink on it

Put are heads together and think on it.

Maybe later on we can sleep on it,

But for right now, girl we just need to drink on it.

We can talk rocket science, Jesus or politics.

How your boyfriend cheated on you,

Man i like to bust his lip.

I can use another whiskey,

And your cosmo's getting low.

While were tryin to figure out the next place we should go,

We can drink on it.

Put are heads together and think on it.

Maybe later on we can sleep on it,

But for right now, girl we just need to drink on it.

This place is closin now, but I don't wanna quit.

Got a good thing going girl, lets find out what it is

And drink on it.

Your place or mine, we can drink on it.

Dust off a bottle and drink on it.

Feels like we're doin something right lets find the corner of a night where

You and I can just drink on it.

Put are heads together and think on it.

Maybe later on we can sleep on it,

But for right now, girl we just need to drink on it.

Might make a memory that we wont forget,

So lets just drink on it.

Mhmmm, drink on it

today.

going into today i expected to suppress my own sadness and continue to deal with his death quietly alone. partly because death and dying scares me more than anything and also because emotionally i have a hard time coping with the heartbreak of others. sounds selfish i'm sure. it's not meant in a selfish way, i just know that i am too emotional to handle it.

my sweet baby brother fell to pieces early on and after talking to mom last night i knew she was certainly sad beyond words. safe bet to say our family wasn't necessarily looking forward to today, though we knew it was coming for a while.

busy week at the office coming off of an intense february wrap up and a phenomenal finish, i knew last week i'd be buried clear up to my hairline in reports and follow ups this week, not to mention the executive call, performance call, and silo busting call. my sweet california girlfriend is having a hell of a week as well so coming back from my lunch date with the fellas to some messages from her was a big grin baring moment. she convinced me to leave the office early...though not as early as she wanted me to. i stopped and grabbed some dark beer that we all liked and headed for the shop. i've never walked in to so much chaos in my life. papers, parts, and clusters everywhere. i fixed the computer so dad could print again, drank beer, and helped packed up the UPS which felt like a shit storm unlike any other. experience, yes. do i want to repeat it? NO - i'll stay in corporate america....thanks.

tonight it's joey, mom, dad, tad, and myself looking to just be together for a couple hours as we

lastly, thank you sweetheart from me and the family for standing your ground and not so gently forcing me out of the office ;)

364.

letter to uncle ed, one year later.

u. ed-

while i'm not sure abbreviating uncle with a simple u. is ok in heaven, i'm doing it anyway because i'm not the classiest of those you left behind. this year i have watched u. joey, your sisters, bros-in-law, nieces, nephews, and your sweet mom grieve the loss we'd all hoped and prayed would never happen. tonight i sit here in a quiet house alone, except for the growing guitar collection and jake (of course). yeah, alone. don't fret fine sir, i am happy. happier than i have ever been. who knew that a california beauty would steal my heart, mesmerize my soul, and adore my every flaw no matter how great or small? you would be so proud. my ears still perk up when i hear a song you turned me on to or one we'd karaoke to while you smiled that big smile wondering how on earth i thought i was decent. i miss your laugh. i miss the way your voice filled a room no matter how big or small. i miss your cologne, your hugs, prickly kisses, and the late night pep talks. your perspective meant so much - business, parents, siblings, sports, music, and just life. easter, birthdays (all of them), thanksgiving, and christmas were hard. i refused to put up a tree and get "all that shit" out, but mom and tad put up a 7 footer. we hung a saxophone and golden retriever at the top, then the three of us sat and cried like babies trading stories of younger days. tad and i both spent christmas eve at home with mom and dad - two single kids with two overly proud parents and all the beer and rumplemintz we could stomach. christmas day i looked around wondering when the door would fly open with a "merry, merry." i had an amazing year professionally but fell 7k short of that goal we spoke of in 2008. i'll surpass it this year. tad's house is beautiful with your old art and mirror. you'd be proud of the man jr. is today. he takes care of his mom and sister...and he loves jake. he's my best friend and we finally have a relationship similar to you and mom. other changes: my hair is longer, i'm 40+ pounds lighter, and i've got a japanese tattoo that goes from my armpit to two inches above my elbow. tonight i sit in jeans and a white undershirt playing my heart and soul out for you - it's brilliant in my head. "life may go on without you, but not the life we know."

forever grateful for every second we spent together. to say i miss you would be an understatement but there is no word great enough. as the tears flow like a river down my face, i love you, always and forever.

address in the stars - it's just as amazing on guitar

music.

the president should have to ensure decent new music releases every tuesday. i haven't been moved by a single record in 2012 and it's march.

jus' sayin'.

match.sunday.

iTunes match is rocking my face off. why? b/c apple finally realized that people need their music (all of their music) on more than one device...

i buy music on my iMac, macbook pro, iPod, iPad, and iPhone depending on which one i'm holding at that particular moment...iCloud does a good job of pushing the new purchases but the majority of the 8,000 songs were uploaded from a cd. iTunes match now pushes THOSE songs to all devices (up to 10) and keeps everything synced up wirelessly. in love? oh, yes.

$24.99 a year? yes, please. done and done!

on another note, it's been a boring slow sunday. ate cereal twice today (different kinds, duh), washed clothes (mostly the new ones i have been hoarding in excess of eight shopping bags for the last two-six weeks), tanned (max time!), bought bathing suits, got my new sunglasses fixed (tad's ass found them on thursday night...), read (consumed by the 'dragon' series), and guitar. didn't watch nascar or basketball today....i'm impressed...mostly with the basketball - it is ALWAYS on!

finally, looking forward to my feet hitting the ground in southern california in 5 days. by the time i am back, it'll be 12 days since i saw her....which is long enough. trust.

just.the.way.you.are.

bruno mars is super talented...whole record is phenomenal. this song makes me think of SoCal.

b. - you're beautiful

socal- blah blah blah :)

fave version performed at billboard studios. this guy is a total stud. enjoy. (song starts at .31)

for the record it's not just me.....undisclosed higher up today uttered the words "g_d damn she is beautiful, just gorgeous."

here are the lyrics - they make my heart happy.

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin'
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her, she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay?
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful


And I tell her everyday

Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are, yeah