closing.2012.

it is only 12/20 but i imagine that between christmas and n.y.e. i will be rather busy. this feels as though it might be rather long in length. keep up.

if i'd only known how perfectly amazing 2012 would be. i declared on 12/31/11 that i'd make 2012 my bitch. i feel as though i did. while driving around athens this evening picking up the last of the small christmas items i thought about how i spent over seven years of my adult life thinking i was happy. what i truly was, was simply content. i wasn't unhappy by any means, i just had absolutely no clue what i was missing. after all, how could i?

i spent the first five months of the year learning. by reconnecting with so.cal i was able to find my confidence again. i was able to smile and i was able to grow. for five months we formed a friendship and a bond that will always be a little different. she showed me that i wasn't broken and that i was worthy. for those five months and the friendship that we keep to this day, i am grateful.

by the time spring came to a close and summer rolled in, all of the work that my team and i put into c.a.m. was crashing down around us. our client disappeared and we laid off most of our colleagues who were much more than co-workers, they are friends. when the smoke and mirrors began to be too much, the father of my fave four and i met on a patio to talk about what may lie ahead. over several beers and half a pack of cigarettes, iCapital was born. it would take hours after work and many weekends to get our plans in place. who knew we could own a business?

a week long family vacation spent right next to uncle joey (walking the beach, laying in the sun, and sitting on the balcony for hours every afternoon watching the waves roll in) wrapped the summer. by the end of september i was working from home and spending every spare minute in the jeep. i met a girl that blew my soul wide open. that kind of instant happiness that you can only describe once you've been there. falling in love with nicole has been the most beautiful experience of 2012. while she is everything that i am not, i've never truly had his passionate emotion for another person in 28 years. can't stop smiling.

2012 has been the most successful (both personally and professionally) year of my life.

p.y.t.

love.this.song.

perhaps the best cover, but i'm not biased. still can't believe ms. nettles is a mama.

jingle.jam.2012.

andy grammer - "ya gotta keep your head up, oh oh"
grace potter - "you and tequila" (though i love her solo records more)
alex clare - "and i think that i am just too close to love you"
phillip phillips - "i'm gonna make this place your home"
jason mraz - "i'm gonna love you, like the woman i love"
ed sheeran - "they say, she's in the class a team, stuck in her day dream"

bad ass line up. mr. mraz was our main attraction as his latest release "love, is a four letter word" is a record that nicole and i can't get enough of. he is just good....good all the way around. genuine love and support for everyone. prolific songwriter, singers, musician, and entertainer. love.

on a completely different note, i had NO CLUE that anyone other than myself had a clue who ed was....or that he is so popular with the tweens. not going to lie, the screaming girls at 10:15 were enough to talk nic in to just listening to his cd on the way back to the athens digs.

we lit up the arena thursday night - spreading the love during the end of jason's set. after the heartbreaking events of this morning in CT, this world just needs more love.

dream.

"everyday that you get up and force your cards
you're playing your story in fits and stars
you take your prospects and your pickaxe
and you trudge down to the stream
and you bloody your hands, digging for your dream" - emily saliers of the indigo girls

a.list.

of some of my favorites from 2012 (in the order in which i remembered them...not favorite order) :

1. iPhone 5 - most fave iphone ever...i can't get enough, seriously. 
2. smash* book - since meeting nicole, i wanted a way to quickly document all of the different things we do together (firsts, restaurants, shows, games, vacations, road trips, experiences in general). it's art, memories, creative juice, and more with out the pressure of perfection. 
3. 2012 macbook air - it is 11 inches of apple perfection. i take it damn near everywhere. favorite apple computer i've ever owned (and that my friends, is saying something).
4. dropbox - using the 128 gb macbook air, there isn't much room to "store" stuff. i use this computer for personal stuff as well as iCap work (photos/music are still on the imac), so being able to virtually save documents on a "cloud" or share them with business partners is fabulous. 
5. dr. dre beats - i have the studios and the ibeats. the music nerd in me is in love with the clarity of what comes out of these headphones on a consistent basis.
6. Toms - i fell hard and fast for Toms when i caved and bought some. between the gray and the red pair, they are damn near all i wear this fall/winter.
7. glow light nook - more electronics. i can't help it. so, i love books. real books with real paper. what i don't love is storing said books in every possible drawer / shelf / basket i can get my hands on to the point that books turn in to stuff. i still buy real books but when i am looking to read and pass the time on a book that i don't intend on needing in the future, the nook (that lights up at night!) is super fun and easy to read on. i can dig it too. 
8. netflix - i have the $7 or $8 a month subscription and i use it on my iPad quite a bit. i am hoping to hook up an apple t.v. to stream movies/documentaries/t.v. shows on after the holidays. 
9. acupuncture - admittedly, i just started but i love it. maybe the inner hippie / crunchy chick is coming out but so far it is helping with stress and chronic hives....also use it to release the pressure on my sciatica. i recommend it....if only to relax.
10. athens, ga - though a huge tennessee fan through and through, i have come to love this city. my girlfriend lives here and i have come to love several of the restaurants / bars that only athens has. i have had some really great food here. 

11.1.

falcons.shoes. 

we.dat.

twenty.8.

currently i'm sitting on one end of the athen's couch with my head supported by the arm rest, feet on the coffee table, and my love similarly placed the other end. the difference is that she is super focused on a final grad school paper and her head is upright...going strong since 5 a.m. i find myself more and more in awe of her and the heart that beats within. for the first time in twenty8 years, she is my equal. my love for her is reciprocated and similarly appreciated. we live in a constant state of how-did-i-get-so-lucky, as we argue over who is the sweetest, greatest, and most beautiful. 

she is my perfection. 

she's my calm, my peace, my home. 

she is my heart.

try.

the.sound.of.a.new.dream.

i've finally reached the end of my employment at CAM. i'd be remiss if said i wasn't looking forward to  the end since june when the proverbial shit-hit-the-fan. the last few months have been filled with stress, nonsense, and legalese. i can also say with certainty that i am ready and have been ready.

for months my business partner and i have worked nights and weekends on our next venture:

it is time to do for ourselves what we have spent the last five years perfecting and doing for others.

have i always wanted to own a business? no. did i ever think i'd have an opportunity to work for myself? no. when the the idea came to us we were at lunch, an infamous stressed out, had enough, need a drink lunch that so very often split our morning and afternoons in june. this is real life this november morning.

doin'.work.and.other.things.

it's been a minute. a long minute.

with the help of google and about 30 minutes, i fixed the html code for the twitter widget to the right. the geek in me is super proud.

this blog is mine. it's my thoughts and memories and more importantly, how i've seen the world at any given moment over the last nine years or so. it was started at the request of several friends when i figured out that expressing myself in words was something that i was decent at...then i started to like it. what is here,  is various parts of my life as i saw it through my eyes, heart, and soul.

moving on:
in an effort not to expose my inner cheese and to maintain the privacy some of the most beautiful moments of my 27 years, 11 months, and 7 days on this earth, i will proceed with some sort of caution. when i met nicole, my heart raced. when she hugged me, it was different. when i finally kissed her, i knew. she is brilliant. smartest girl i've ever met with the most genuine heart and soul of any other woman on this planet. she has opinions and we don't stop talking. she is passionate about asl and the ability to one day marry the one she chooses regardless of their gender. i've never met another who is so proud of who i am, what i do, what i stand for, and the way i treat her. it's a mutual admiration unmatched by any other and i cannot wait to introduce her to the world as mine.

it.feels.like.bone.

last week while hanging with the nicholfam i told jo i felt like i had bone stuck in a socket. she looked at me like i was crazy and we kept going with the night's banter. sunday, monday, and tuesday i messed with said bone when brushing my teeth and after eating trying to get whatever it was out. today i got ballsy and took some tweezers to it. it moved...but wouldn't come loose.

insert the panicked calls to the surgeon and dentists offices. the nice lady who i find incredibly annoying says "oh sometimes there are pieces of bone that remain after the wisdom teeth are extracted."  yeah true because i pulled a tiny piece from another socket about a week ago (mind you i had my wisdom teeth removed at the end of june). i knew this wasn't small.

so at 3 p.m. it's just me and the doctor...i show him the suspected bone...he tries to move said bone...i wince...3 shots of novocaine...i think this one is pretty large but at least it's mobile and not stuck...all numbed up, let me try to grab it....more wincing and a tear....4 additional shots of novocaine...waiting...waiting...waiting...how does this feel?.....just get it out....alright, here we go, HOLY COW THIS IS THE BIGGEST ONE I'VE EVER SEEN!!! no wonder you've been aggravated.....mouth fills with blood and infection...tears....gagging....my goodness, i am telling you, i'm an old guy and i've never seen a (proper medical term for jaw bone shard) this large before....here, why don't you bite down on this.....let's rinse....keep this packing in there for at least 90 minutes....you're going to need some antibiotics....i wonder if i should stitch this up.....nah, i think it will be more solid if we let it fill in on it's own.

that was a whirlwind of 45 minutes. the piece of bone is slightly shy of an inch long. it's been almost two hours and i am already feeling the pain. oye! should i mention i am starving due to not eating today?

we have a long night of reading and possibly batman tonight. sad girl.

tuesday.

this is the first post coming to you from the new 11 in macbook air :) so far i love it...its small and dainty and delicate (like me!! ha). no microsoft office this time around....i elected for the mac product iworks. it's compatible with word and excel....just written by apple which automatically makes it better...yes. i can't get enough of the apple gadgets. still in love with the iPhone 5 (seriously....it's sickening).

alright, so now that we got that out of the way, last week i ordered a bracelet from a lady in canada off easy. it's an autism awareness leather wrap with a tiny autism puzzle piece for my little man. i knew all day that it'd be waiting for me when i got home anddddd YES. let's go ahead and put this on the list of my favorite things...i've already ordered another one in a different color. shhhh.

it came out last week so pardon the tardiness BUT anyone who has ever had their heart shattered, broken, or otherwise cracked the new tristan prettyman cd is for you! this album is so flawlessly written and her vocals are spot on. cedar + gold. get it.

recently tuesdays have become "our" night...meaning that i tell mom what i want and it's produced for dinner that very evening.

tonight....spaghetti. mmm hmmm fat girl. don't judge.

rebel.wilson.

this woman has made me laugh until i now have a real cough tonight. she was on ellen thurdsay...this is the two of them doing "shoop," by salt n peppa. youtube the rest of the interview...she says the most off the wall shit.

open.letter.

dear atlanta,
i'm pretty certain that we have all forgotten what the sun and dry pavement look like. please stop the craziness that fooled poor tom in to thinking that we were in the midst of a hurricane yesterday. the housekeepers are here this thursday afternoon and i'm sure hoping that i dont have four wet paws tracking in the rain water making perfect prints all along the hardwoods immediately after they clean. on another not so pleasent note, there are hundreds of displaced frog jumping around in the streets getting run over left and right. it smells like wet amphibians in the subdivision. that's gross. we are still a couple of months away from the doom and gloom that is winter; not to mention my hair is a curly mess given all of the humidity. a little sun, if you will.
thanks,
b.s.

i've.lost.count.

so i have no idea how long i've been working from "home," which is intermixed with 2-3 trips to the satellite office every week. what i do know is that if jake wasn't spoiled before, hold your hat because he is now. i havent woken up to an alarm for at least a month...jake wakes me up just before 8 usually by allowing himself to get on the bed and lay down on my pillow. if he wasn't so cute i'd probably get mad.

randoms:
lee and i went to the falcons game yesterday but the bigger news is that we ate raw chicken. just thinking about it now makes me gag. gross.

i'm borderline obsessive over the new jake owen endless summer EP.

the only station on pandora i've listened to at all lately is john mayer. it's pure perfection.

my truck hasn't been washed inside or out since january when a very certain special lady flew in for a visit....i did leave it outside last night and it's currently STILL raining and therefore still "washing," said truck.

saturday the mailman delivered the papers to get my tags...that means i have a month and 23 days to get two emissions tests and order my stickers.

hives the last few days/weeks have been no joke. ready for those suckers to take a leave of absence so my skin can recover from the scratching.

last.friday.night.

we were dancing tabletops.... no, no, no we weren't.

actually a rather country fella from chattanooga emailed me about my jumbo bodied 12-string that i am too little to get around comfortably...he offered cash and a smattering of various guitars because mine was worth substantially more than his and he wanted it. b-a-d. so after a day going back and forth, i increased the cash and took the two best guitars he had knowing i could make more money that i was asking for to begin with. so i got a pocket full of cash, a 1972 12-string, and a takamine 6-string. i'm sure he spent $100 just in gas driving down here to pick it up.

this 6 string is one of the best sounding $300 guitars i've ever heard and/or played. perhaps i'll hold on to it for a while :) i've rather enjoyed it this week.

shaming.myself.

clothes.clothes.clothes.

it's crazy!! no really. i walked in to this mess this morning before getting ready to go hang with two of my fave four while mama.jo gets a hair cut.



this is the only "room" in my house that my o.c.d. does not affect. quite odd given my love and addiction to all that it holds. that said, even i jumped back this morning and thought to myself "you need to get a grip on this shit tonight."

she's.done.it.again.

she's a hell of a writer and a rockin', spot on, pitch perfect vocalist...rachel williams, i'm just lucky to call you a friend.

this one will grab you by the heart. enjoy.

a.couple.two.three.things.

as my favorite youtube chick (atlanta transplant from la) says. this morning i was pulling on some oversized sweatpants to let the sweet, furry, four-legged, sleepy-eyed boy out and thought to myself i love this.
a few things i am really getting into in the final months of my previous/current "employment."

- 9 times out of 10 i am awake before my alarm
- using my coffee maker/machine/thing everyday
- sitting at the table catching up on emails/tasks and fighting fires in my kitchen
- hanging out with jake and watching his tail spin during the day
- new iphone 5 (rocks my face hard core)
- football saturdays and sundays
- my fantasy football league and beating most of the boys
- dropping in to see my babies midday and picking up whatever their dad forgot on the way to meet him where ever he is
- dark seasonal beers (mmm, hmm even the punkin ones)

in other news these unpredictable morning/evening temperatures are killing me. sometimes i can handle shorts, other times i need a snow suit...fall in georgia.

back to the original task at hand before i got distracted!

w.m.3.

obsessed with the new damien echols book. fascinating story of the man convicted and sentenced to death row for involvement in the west memphis three murders in arkansas over twenty years ago. he is a brilliant writer and his story is moving. life after death...put it on your list! currently only available in print.

currently looking for a way to watch the old three part documentary from HBO in the nineties and looking forward to the new documentary that is being made of the tragedy in west memphis.

also on my list of nerd material:
rest of the emily giffin books
memoir from bernie maddoff's daughter-in-law
ashley judd - all that is bitter and sweet

week.

working from home the last week. it feels like when the snowpacalypse rolled through a couple of years ago. there isn't much to do but that doesn't mean laundry is caught up. i drink more coffee, start working earlier, go stir crazy by about 2 pm, make more calls, and work stronger/longer on the unmentionables. a couple of cohorts have more distraction at home (children, wives, roommates, etc) but i've found that things get completed quicker seeing as it's me and the jakester. he loves it!

what happened to the warm weather? pretty chilly this morning. i guess fall is really moving in. football, dark beer, and starbucks.

today - yardman randy
tomorrow - housekeepers

human.

confession: i'm a lot to handle. i'm intense. i'm super focused. i'm o.c.d. i suffer from g.a.d.

for the better part of the last year i've worked on me. who i am, who i was, and who i ultimately want to be. everything is under control 97% - 97.5% of the time. i have had generally everyone who knew me before notice the difference which is encouraging. all of this to say that sometimes i do fall off the turnip truck and act ridiculous.

i know that i need A LOT going on to stay occupied and grounded. work is slowing down. i spend a good amount of time reading which is my default distraction. i'm re-focusing on music and playing (which sadly comes in spurts, but the lulls are often short). the last few days i've been a pain in my own ass and those around me, i am positive of it. even while i'm panicking, i know what is happening to me and i cannot control it. luckily, for me, and you, and us, it is rare. very rare, and i can deal with that.

a lot of change in the air and i've got good people around me.

i.feel.better.
i.feel.more.like.me.

i'm.okay.

fuse.lit.

today = aggravating, frustrating, boring, and ultimately disgusting.

i spent entirely too long at the office (bored as shit, mind you) for one reason only, got booted off the call for a false alarm, sat in traffic, and walked in on jake standing amidst 7 piles of various forms of throw up. cleaned up the 7 piles in his crate. he proceeded to then flooded the stair landing with the gallon of water he drank followed by another flood by the front door. i have spent the last hour and 15 minutes going through 2 rolls of paper towels, a gallon of fabuloso, the remaining 409 antibacterial and then lysol. my house smells like a hospital and my mood rightfully matches the fowl ass odor that has filled the two-story family room.

i am pretty sure i went from extremely pissy to fucking angry in a matter of seconds. if this damn dog doesn't stop eating grass and other yard shit we are going to have a serious issue. i don't do bodily fluids....from humans or animals and in the 5 days i've been home i've had an office full of diarrhea followed by today's vile vomit. E-N-O-U-G-H.

tickets.tickets.tickets.

saw sugarland a couple of weeks ago which was amazing as always.

tonight, heading to eddie's for caroline herring.

also have tickets for melissa etheridige, garrison/adrianne/maia, and corey smith.

vaca.over.

just spent the last week with lots of family in our usual condo on our usual beach. lots of time with pop and uncle joey. highlights include learning to read the greyhound odds and betting correctly...and winning with uncle randy, antagonizing joey to wake up and let's walk only to be told to wait he needed coffee(wtf its 900 degrees out), making fun of mom and nana for their obsession with the 50 shades saga (annoying!!), watching honey boo boo with nana on the computer, drinking at the pool, nana's dip, uncle randy's tent, shopping the surf shops, lunch at bubba gump's, grocery shopping with dad and his late night run that resulted in the most amazing oreo ANYTHING that i've ever put in my mouth, dinner at the deck twice, uncle randy's pink panty pull down (it's a drink...) and he delivered it frozen to my tanning ass on the pool deck more than once, instructing mom on the proper way to put on the spray sunscreen, nana demanding laundry the second the clothes came off, football with nana, uncle randy, and dad, mom's amazing lunch while i handled a work emergency, people watching with mom from the beach tent in the afternoon (oh boy), and telling tad and lola to go to bed and get up (at normal times) by calling them "the kids." of course i am missing a ton! i read two books and half of a third. finally i missed the shit out of jake and the babies (whole nicholfam, really).

i am darker than i think i have been in years....not on purpose, i had a tan before getting to the beach so i didn't burn or have to wear a hat. win!

i have a pissed off pup at my feet..

m.u.s.i.c.

a rather lengthy drought is coming to an end...thank goodness.

this week i picked up the new ingram hill record, thomas rhett ep, and the new alanis album. softer and just as profound as she's ever been, alanis is great!

next week however =) melissa etheridge and matchbox 20.

coming soon: pink, kathy matea, little big town, easton corbin, kix brooks, dave matthews and i'm sure i'm missing one or two.

highlight of the day? getting out of the office on time and meeting ms. von at our usual...for our usual. made this little fun thing while stuck on the phone with a pissed off agent yesterday :)

a.long.time.coming.

i have thought, and thought, and thought some more about the construction of this trip down a black hole. i have written, and deleted, and written, and edited for the better part of five days. here is what remains.

the bottom line is that i have spent the last year growing. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know what i'm good at. i know that i will never settle for anything short of the best again. i know that i make mistakes...and i learn from them. i know that i care deeply....and fall quickly. i know that there have been days where only jake was around to kiss the tears off my face...and others where my mom stood there and said, you are loved.

wednesday morning while driving to the office, i listened to the incredible machine sugarland record. partly because thursday night was sugarland and two because i knew that i made it. "little miss," had me crying rather instantly.

"little miss down on love, little miss i give up, little miss i'll get tough don't you worry 'bout me anymore."

one year ago friday, my ex walked out on me after ripping me apart from the inside out a month before. were we merely best friends? i can say with confidence, yes. the bomb dropped and imploded from the inside. i was deceived, mislead, lied to, and taken advantage of...it happens. i am a better lover, fighter, woman, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, owner, employee, manager, and overall person for all that i endured in the last year. my mom's a champion. she held me up when my legs failed me. when i thought i could never make it on my own, she moved in and showed me the way.

"little miss one big mess, little miss i'll take less when i always give so much more. it's alright, it's alright, it's alright. sometimes you've got to lose 'til you win. it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, and it will be alright again."

i've learned that being alone is different than being lonely. i've learned that my dad and i are very similar and that we now have the relationship we should have had all along. i've learned that my brother and i while complete and total 180 degree opposites, we are supportive of the right things in each other's lives. over the last year i re-learned independence, confidence, and inspiration/motivation. i fell in love with four children all over again that have shown me that there is so much more to this world than i'll ever know.

"little miss do your best, little miss never rest, little miss be my guest i'll make more any time that it runs out, little miss you'll go far, little miss hide your scars, little miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about."

for the first time in over eight years, i  took the time for me. to find the heart that beats, to find my passions, to figure out who i really am. and i'm proud of that person.

"hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved. little miss brand new start, little miss do your part, little miss big ole heart beats wide open she's ready now for love, sometimes you've got to lose until you win. it's alright, it's alright, it's alright...i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay. it'll be alright again."

thursday night was all that it needed to be and more. ms. nettles was amazing.

and with that, onward!

save.part.of.yourself.for.me.

i have fallen in love with brandi carlile over the last two months. her new record "bear creek" is her best yet. i think b.c. is brilliant.

here is some fantastic live footage from UT.



"when we walk into the sun,
or burn below for what we've done,
will you still call out for me?
turn to light or fade to black,
you don't look back, no, you don't look back,
at what you might not want to see.

but save part of yourself for me.
won't you save part of yourself for me."

august.

the end of july was a whirlwind. 

• fun weekend hangin' with the nicholfam for the silent prince's 5th bday. i love those babies....and their parents.
• lots of jeep time recently. thank goodness - the rain was getting ridiculous.
• pool was blazing hot...i couldn't hang too long.
• monday and tuesday in the office were hands down the best show i have never watched. 
• no new music in a couple of weeks and it's depressing.
• hung out with LH friday night at brandi carlile - she is a bad ass. one of my fave shows ever.
• quite obsessed with batman. took me several days to finish batman begins because i can't sit without falling asleep. 
• my sleep pattern is totally jacked and i'm strangely ok with it.

timing.

timing is the key to everything; happiness, success, decisions, love, opportunities.

the key to timing is patience...which i lack.

chaos this evening.

texting four individuals while on the phone with another when my phone buzzed and in the midst of firestorms, thunderstorms, earthquakes, and hurricanes, i smiled. it didn't matter what i read, i smiled.

business texts, personal texts, picture texts, past texts, "maybe someday!" texts. i get it. i really get it. but it doesn't stop the heart from hurting or the eyes from crying.

Jake Owen - The One That Got Away

while i find him hilarious, skip to 2:44 to hear the best live version of this song

quick

the last four nights have resulted in a bedtime after 1 a.m. .... this leaves me scrambling for coffee, sugar free redbull, or diet dew to keep my eyes open in the office. never thought i'd see the day when working nights and weekends was busier than the office is during the day. in a few months, it will all make sense. it will all be worth it. it's a labor of love with one of my favorite people. we just get it.

suit shopping this weekend...j.crew or express. swag.

soccer game today, us v. france was phenomenal! i think i had about 10 loud outbursts in the office. looking forward to the game on saturday.

brandi is in atl this friday night, melissa etheridge tickets go on sale tomorrow (i will f'ing buy tickets this tour....been mad since the last one), kelly clarkson in a couple of weeks, sugarland in a month, summer is nearing an end and i'm just gettin' started.

with the nicholfam and my babies friday night, monday night, tuesday night, and i was supposed to be there tonight. a.b. is exhausted.

it's 10:20....and i am going to go upstairs before i get involved in another report, document, or outline. letting jodi picoult "sing me home," start the unwinding before midnight or later.

somedays.

somedays i am built stronger than others.
somedays i miss you more than i wish i did.
somedays i wish i could sit and play to an empty room.
somedays i long to be at the beach...with you.
somedays i ask why or how and then remember, this is life.
somedays i wish i could leave my heart at home.
somedays i wish i didn't fall for you.
somedays i wish i could just stop and others i want you back.
somedays are worse than others.
somedays i still love you.
somedays i know it is just time.

everyday, you cross my mind...more than once.

torturous.few.days.

one of my wisdom teeth craters got infected and decided to come out and play saturday night. sunday i saw the surgeon at noon to get some serious pain medicine and heavy duty antibiotics. he said i'll see you back in the morning and there is a good chance we'll need to operate. low and behold, emergency surgery first thing monday morning to dilute the infection and get rid of "most" of it. dr. c seems to think this recovery will be worse than the actual tooth extraction. we'll see.

i have additional craters in my cheek now and back to soft food. (i.e. mac n cheese, yogurt, and ice cream diet).

excuse.me.

dear atlanta, north atlanta, and the metro atlanta area in general -

the rain and the storms on a daily basis in july are not acceptable. we have had some amount of water fall from the sky everyday for over a week. you are fucking up my jeep weather, pool weather, and my tan schedule. get-a-grip!

shifting gears: you know that moment when playing poker that you know your hand can't be beat? yeah i have one of those hands...and i'm playing the dealer. too much information and a lack of intelligence on the other side might result in some catastrophic implosion of world war three if i don't have my retention bonus pending in my account monday afternoon. don't mess with my money....and don't short my check by ten thousand dollars and we can all go back to being frenemies until the bitter end (and i do mean bitter).

slack.

kind of a lot going on....but kind of not.

two weeks later, i am STILL dealing with these damn holes where my wisdom teeth once lived. holy shit. this is my primary annoyance at the moment. 

i picked up some of the "ibeats" yesterday at lunch and i am still trying to decide if i think they are as amazing as the big studio beats that i use at home/plane/car....etc. they are metal so they are heavy. needed these for the gym and to actually take a call in the jeep. haven't tried that yet but soon. 

the pop up severe thunder storms on a daily basis is great for my yard....but suck for the jeep.

pinterest has sort of taken over my life while i am supposed to be working....i'm surprisingly okay with it. 

i am over due for a date with the nail lady, it is so much easier to play guitar right now. for real.

number one again in june....number one year to date....number one for the 90 day average...number 2 for twelve month average. yep, this cut makes more sense every day. bitter...but i have a big plans. it won't be public for months. confident.

this girl i went out with all of once in early december now works in my building....that was an awkward moment. i sort of was a dick and just stopped answering texts. ooops.

heart.shaken.

she is married to a man i look up to. a man who thinks i compliment him. together plus one we built a successful team. a consistently number one performing team...often out of seventeen. i look to him for life advise, love advise, career advise, general business sense, affirmation of outrage, and often just a confident smile. his children melt my heart and their voices, coos, cries, and high fives shake my soul. while i think her husband walks on water and look to him as a big brother and sometimes a work husband, i look to her for the exact same things; though different coming from another woman.

almost a year ago i found myself lost and afraid of everything i thought i was. she yanked me up off the floor in fit of what was almost disappointment. i have talked to her nearly everyday since. when i have people tell me they love who i am today ten times more than who i was a year ago, i smile. i do too. she is able to give me the tough love opinions that are true and honest and sometimes sting, but i love it. i need it. i appreciate it. this family has changed my life.

their four beautiful children know me as aunt bailey. all four faces light up when i enter their house. all five us can fit comfortably in one chair. each brings a different layer of happiness and gratitude to my world.

last night in a heart baring "im nervous." "me, too" kind of conversation the confirmation of family and true love lay somewhere between my house and theirs. they are family. they are friends. last night i sat with tears streaming down my cheeks and a smile on my face as she asked me to be the prince's god mother. he speaks without words; with big brown eyes and and a perfect smile; soft hands with a tight grip; and the most sincere snuggles exuding adoration. this little man makes me a better me. his siblings make me a better aunt bailey and his mom and dad show me daily that i am good enough. i am loved.

pitty.party.of.one.

it's been four days since the surgery and my face f'ing hurts. no patience for anything that slows me down. the throbbing, tingling, and pain is intense. i'm glad i decided monday july 2nd was going to be a brutal recovery.

look, i knew i'd be uncomfortable for a couple of days but not four. sleeping around the clock with a sore throat (swollen muscles in the neck and head supposedly) and loose teeth is an annoying existence. my lil boy loved it - staying at gammer's house on the furniture was a nice treat for both of us :)

my mind has been consumed with thoughts of a girl that made me happier than any one human should be. that said, when i get sad i think about her. today, i thought about her alot. (she's beautiful in her simple little way). life is full of wonder, this is what happens when my "busy" is yanked from beneath me.

it's 102 (officially) outside which is hot as a hell in atlanta....and its not any more comfortable inside the house.

back to work tomorrow....and hopefully back to feeling like myself. apparently, she took the day off :(

three.

i have basically slept since thursday morning. got some sherman klump swelling happening. anyway, party time with nana and lauren :)  well as much partying as one can do without drinking or chewing. lots of jello, gatorade, and fries (smashed!).

cravings:
beer
chips
pizza
celery
anything crunchy!!

miss my babies - pizza party next week. YES.

down.for.the.count.

holy! this morning i had all of my fully impacted wisdom teeth extracted. these holes are GIGANTIC and they are not in my gums! can i get a dry socket if it's not in a socket?? the holes are actually in my cheeks. apparently the bottom left gave the surgeon a fit....my throat is sore (just right there).

there are videos on facebook of me demanding my "teef" back and worse.....SINGING  "my neck is red as alabama clay." clay has countless bum notes and spans through 4 keys i'm sure.

today jello, apple sauce, and my favorite was vanilla soft serve from dairy queen that my daddy came home with. :)

mom's a champ! forcing me to do what the doctor says and administering ice and pain meds right on time!

so far today i have asked to go to j.crew, the mall, dicks (to get some nike soccer shorts like abbi's olymic ones), taco mac, target, and even wal-mart. d-e-n-i-e-d. i've been awake for all of 90 minutes since surgery at 730 this a.m. (it's almost 8).

i.wanna.do.something.

iPad.remote.blogging.

Disclaimer: This post will be capitalized correctly due to the auto correct on the iPad and my new app!

Last night I held babies and wrestled with my prince while listening to the big sister interpret the ladybug book on the piano. She is super creative and imaginative. Perhaps the sweetest sound I don't ear often enough is the voices of the girls saying "aunt bailey, aunt bailey," while I pin my love bug to keep from getting a love bite!

Spent the early afternoon hitting golf balls with Tom. I'm convinced I could be amazing if I just get some lessons! We found an amazing "secret" driving range. ;)
That said my hands hurt! Can't wait to see who moves slower tomorrow.

Baseball game, cook out, iPad, and later work, book, documentary, and six-string action.

Love a busy, constantly moving, couple days off.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

early.weekend.excitement.

replaced jake's tennis balls - he is a fetchin' machine again :) 

i got a new pet hair vacuum! i bought one shortly after moving into the house three years ago but it wasn't the dyson animal and it's not sucking (ha!) as well as  it did before. welllll today, jake's gammer bought him (really me) a shark something or other. the guy at lowe's (i know....ew) said it was better than the dyson and they couldn't keep them in stock. he surprisingly found us one and wow. i almost want to get rid of the housekeepers so i can vacuum. that would mean i need to dust and do bathrooms, counters, windows, and trash too. no, thank you.

last night after dinner mom runs (leaps, jumps, shoves, barrels) in to the house (MY HOUSE!) which is full of family to announce, "OH MY GOD, there is a SNAKE outside." my dad, blake, dj, and joey proceed to pick it up and move it all around. the next thing i know my dad is standing IN my house holding a damn snake! yes, it was little but it's still a friggin' snake. snake away will be in place as soon as it is not 96 degrees outside.

in other news, my mouth has hurt for two weeks now. one more to go before i get my wisdom teeth removed. strangely looking forward to a.) getting it over with and b.) being able to floss, chew, bite, or exist with out this annoying pressure that has taken over in both top/bottom jaws. dr. c said "you will swell, you will bruise, and you will for SURE be in pain. your mouth is tiny, wisdom teeth are impacted, and your nerves are definitely in the way for the bottom two. but dont let that fool you, the top ones aren't exactly going to be easy to get out." holy shit....thanks for the honesty...i think.

hopefully hitting golf balls with thomas and lee tomorrow. 

biz.ee.

andddd more bullets because i love them. the formatting...not guns.

• was supposed to get my wisdom teeth out this a.m. didn't happen due to my possible "complications". now it'll be july 2nd.
• the new biebs' cd is love. kenny chesney's new record hurts my heart a wee bit. 
• gluten free is hard....and gross...but no hives (until i cheated to "test" the theory....damn it).
• mom hooked me up with GF everything for the next little while. shit's expensive!
• got in another wreck yesterday a.m. on 400. i'm fine. driving mom's white cloud until the escape gets out of the shop. crazy asian girl smashed me pretty good.
• john mayer's new record is AMAZING. i know a lot of people hate him....i love that man.
• obsessed with documentaries on netflix...on the ipad. so far, all serial killer/prison stuff. nobody is shocked i know.
• i wore shorts all week to the office!! 
• la-ha's b-day tonight at ru-sans! it's a beesh throw down  / hoedown
• an overwhelming number of people have started calling me "sunshine." not sure how i feel about it yet.
• have decided that i shouldn't call him my work hubs anymore....he is my brother now, and he delivered a giant iced coffee to my office this a.m. 
• speaking of, aunt bailey misses the babies and mama jo! i think i had daddy/hubs more than you did this week. 
• saturday night i'm going out to meet some of naterhater's peeps...at a bowling alley. we keep it classy! the numero uno is out of town...whew.
• finally, i hope the jury wraps up this sandusky verdict today!

oh.gluten.

soooo let me start by saying that per my recent allergist visit, i am not allergic to anything. that being said i have a couple people (ladies!) in the office that will bet you their pay check that i have a gluten intolerance. after a few months of accompanying me to the ladies' room to coat my back in cortizone10, i have agreed to go gluten-free...FOR ONE WEEK. oye. yeah so far, it's not great. jake and i went out on a hunt (racing the pizza man) to find some gf beer....oh we found it alright. um, it's something i wouldn't buy again if i didn't have too...and i never say that. back to the pizza man...YES dominos has a gf crust so i had to order two small ones. whatever - don't judge! and that is night uno!

this.is.not.happening.

ms. nettles is pregnant. yeah you heard me....MS. NETTLES IS PREGNANT!


in other news, i am getting my wisdom teeth ALL FOUR cut out with something very sharp VERY soon. 


can this monday please stop with the heart-breakers?

week.over.

this week has pushed me harder than any single week in my professional career. it all culminated this morning. we hugged. we cried. and they departed. the 11th floor will never be the same. this afternoon the laughter was missing and the love was gone. we were co-workers, friends, and family. many have have had several roles within the confines of what starts as a playground and finishes like a prison every 30 days. month in and month out we performed....we left it all on the table. that chemistry will never be replicated.

i am grateful. what a fierce group of loyal individuals that trusted me to lead them for the last three and a half years.

the next four months will be different with just "my boys." today, we proved again our dedication to each other. we wiped each others tears (yes, even the boys had a hard time) and drank each other's beer...and we made it. here is to months of working long days, nights, holidays, and weekends.

solo.

quirks.

• for starters, i eat pizza right out of the box with a paper towel and beer sitting on the couch...once a week.
• my o.c.d. in the kitchen/living areas down stairs is in over drive. bedroom/bathroom/music room not so much. 
• it's a good thing the housekeepers come so regularly, my music room constantly looks like a fraternity party took place and then suddenly, there was a fire drill. shit everywhere.
• i run 3-4 times a week...being here alone and typically running on nights with no plans, sometimes i wear the same shorts twice before they make it to the hamper. i'm gross!
• trash comes every week...recycling every other. trash bin makes it to the curb twice and recycling once in a month if i am lucky. i do not produce a lot of trash. 
• i have a lot of clothes....i try to wash every week but sometimes i get distracted or down right refuse. i only get all of my chapstick back when i wash jeans and khakis.
• i walk around in mismatched basketball/tennis/soccer shorts and t-shirts 90% of the time that i'm home.
• i watch sports and yell at the t.v. - i'm working on this....it's not my best quality. passionate!
• the random evening i spend on the couch consists of the t.v. on mute, new music through the beats, iPad cnn app running, and an orange tennessee blanket.
• shocker for those that have known me for years and years but i do not paint my toes anymore...got to the point to where it just looked and felt ridiculous. i do however go to the nail lady every two weeks. (my new nail girl calls me "shun-shine").

these are the weird things i have noticed recently...there tons more.

it is 7:50 and i have just encountered my FOURTH yes FOURTH hive outbreak for the day. this is miserable. when number five shows up, i'm taking benedryl and passing out. the scratching and cortisone have gotten quite annoying today.

duets.truth.

j. nettles had me crying nearly immediately. this song speaks to my heart right now...and i love everything about ms. nettles....except her wedding ring. feeling the sting with her pitch perfect vocal on this one.

too.much.

often wondered if there is such thing....as too much. there is. but not when it comes to affairs of the heart. sometimes you can love deeply, care immensely, and adore someone more than anything in the world but life can get in the way. life does get in the way. the heart that sits within my ribs has been broken many times - it gives me character. it makes me stronger. some people are meant to leave a mark and some arent. i've learned a lot. i learned that i could love again. i learned that i sometimes care too much. i've learned that people love me for who and what i am. i've learned it's difficult to walk away from all of the good so that both can deal with life.

i miss her perfume on her neck.

i miss her hair in my face.

i miss her standing on her tip toes without heels to be taller when she hugs me.

i miss her smile.

i miss her sweet kisses.

i miss her holding my hand in the car.

i miss feeling her breathe slowly while holding me in her sleep.

i miss having her in my arms.

i miss the 'this one or that one' conversations.

i miss the random what are you doing texts.

i miss the flights.

i miss the good mornings and good nights.

i miss the way she put her foot on mine when i held her.

i miss her voice.

i miss her and the way she made me feel. every. single. day.

life. happened.

"i've never written a love song, that didn't end in tears."

bullets.

why? busy...duh.

- half bath is painted (thanks mom)
- jake went to the groomer...he is so clean and shedding less (i think)
- house is transforming....sort of. marilyn monroe is pulling it all together.
- mom spent the weekend at the house painting, hanging pictures, and running to lowe's/home depot
- af shipment came on saturday :) huge box which was fun
- suddenly j.crew had everything i have been looking for (apparently) in an xs so i racked up
- cleaned out the closet (again)
- generally not relaxing. must stay busy to keep from crumbling.

when it rains, it pours. stress and anxiety are out of control. cant be still. cant stop moving. i need time. life.

on.the.way.

went absolutely ape at the af secret sale on monday. as much as i try to get away from that damn store i am constantly sucked back in. now more than ever. 

before when i was 44 pounds heavier it was easy to avoid it because shit fit weird (read tight)....now i have accepted the fact that i am a little dude and a.f. fits perfect. short(er) shorts, t-shirts, pull overs, etc.  i am nearly positive i have two shirts that actually say "FITCH" on the front.....the rest are not walking billboards. khaki, red, blue, and now green shorts....i am hardly able to contain my excitement. 

i am a hyper active kid on christmas morning waiting on the box to be delivered! i really do think it is 12 or 13 shirts and a pair of shorts. 

drained.

1. diagnosed with chronic hives.
2. no allergies - CH caused by stress...and anxiety. no wonder i have them every day for years.
3. not sleeping well again.
4. distracted and sort of lost inside.
5. 9 years ago this past sunday my life was turned upside down. it hurt. i cried. then shut the door on that day forever.
6. more new art in the house.
7. mom convinced me to start painting the house again. it's only money and time. who cares.
8. reconnected with an old friend from h.s. LT and i are getting ready to tear it up downtown.
9. started shopping again....clothes situation is out of control.
10. hard to smile...again. thank you mama jo for always having an opinion and giving me a place in your heart to lay mine when it hurts.

my.boy.

luckily my mom (and dad) are willing to take care of my little furry black four legged handsome boy when i travel to and fro from SoCal and other business affairs. for the first time ever jake was not a prince for "gammer." turd didn't sleep, whined, moped, and pouted the entire four days/nights i was gone. i left my office at 4 straight up.....i had been there since 5 and while there were two naps involved i was in desperate need of a shower (i'd hit my 12 hour limit at about 7 a.m. eastern time). plans to meet tay-tay for dinner flopped partially because my dog will NOT let me even walk to the garage and partially because he is working late.

tonight i am drinking beer and eating pizza right out of the box with out a plate....dont judge! i've been craving some nasty grease.

p.s. sofia grace and rosie crack me up. 

the.end.

the.best.laid.plans.of.mice.and.men...

:) i LOVE john steinbeck. anyways, moving on. i've noticed the last two weekends that while i have a plan for each day (always!) sometimes the downtime between "plans," is too idle. i know at one point in my life i would have thought that having too much time didn't exist. oh.yes.it.does.

now, this is partially my fault....okay all my fault. about 5 months ago i decided that i no longer wanted to clean this house by myself and that bringing in housekeepers every other week was a great idea. PERFECT! i don't have to dust, clean toilets, mop, wipe baseboards etc. then spring came along a little earlier than expected (great, no big deal), and i started cutting the grass every 7 days or so....then i noticed i also needed to edge. THEN i decided that this yard (much like the house) is too damn big and why should i be doing yard work if i really don't "have" to....see where this is going? so, i hired a guy to cut the grass, edge, blow, etc! awesome! i will have so much more time to do other things. 

OTHER THINGS? OTHER THINGS LIKE WHAT!?!? well in my head i would be doing other things like playing guitar more, reading more, laundry more, playin' in the jeep more, working out / running more, etc. mind you, i had plenty of time to do these things prior to the lack of house work and yard work only now i had even MORE time! woo hoo! yeah, not. 

i have found that my new work schedule (really coming and going as i please depending on my sleep schedule which means going in a little later and staying a little later) was leaving me just the right amount of time to get home, walk jake, work out, read/tv/guitar/laundry/shop/tan etc was perfect. i was no longer sitting around at 8 p.m. wondering what the hell i could do for another TWO hours before it was acceptable to go to bed...i.e. lay awake for hours and hours. so i have fixed one of my "too much time" problems. working out / running on the regular makes me tired! YAY i can actually go to sleep and stay asleep and feel amazing the next morning (most of the time!).

the weekends? eh not so much. weekends are the definition of TOO MUCH TIME when your girl is 2300 miles away and everyone you know has "normal people" things to do. weekends have been pretty busy. always having a jam packed saturday and a semi packed sunday up until recently. working at dad's shop takes up half of saturday (thank goodness). then we typically hang out the rest of the day. just me and my dad. which means we look at expensive tech gadgets. first it was laptops, then beats, then cameras...well kind of still is cameras. i am obsessed with the nikon j1. i can't pull the trigger because it's just a lot of money for a camera. the last two weekends have been kind of out of the norm leading me to sit on the couch looking at jake who sits in his bed looking at me like "this sucks." then we both fall asleep in the floor. love my boy.

thank goodness next weekend is mother's day weekend which means, PLANS!! it also means cousins! it means busy!

just for kicks - here is a list i made at some juncture, it consists of the three things that i tend not to lose interest in.

-layin' on the beach/pool

-playing guitar (typically after dark)

-watching sports

t-h-u-r-s-d-a-y

typically thursday nights at 8 p.m. i am sitting in a sports bar with at least my dad. sometimes tad and more recently mom and meemaw too. tonight, i am sitting on the couch (first time this week), catching up on the dvr, and waiting on this supposed thunder storm to roll in.

monday - last day/night of the month and i finished dad's books for april after work
tuesday - tanned, apple, cheeky
wednesday - pedi with mom (to get rid of the damn mud that stained my toes saturday) and dinner
thursday - TODAY thank goodness! housekeepers :)

tuesday/wednesday/thursday i have dealt with the damn hickory / grass allergies. i decided that a single 10 mg claritin was ridiculous....so i took two. and then took two more 22 hours later. i guess it didn't help that i couldn't keep my ass out of the jeep at night.

hoping for a laid back weekend. ideally i want to finish the dragon so i can go to the bookstore and lose control with starbucks, but i'm fairly certain that wont happen. in fact i have kind of lost interest half way done with book three :(

i have decided that "quiet night on the couch" should be changed to "drink beer on a stool and play guitar," which means, i'm freakin bored out of my mind.....i'll just read the dragon.

SINCE WHEN DO I GET BORED?

saturday.in.pictures.

recap:

after the dirty girl 2012 5k

 prior to shower but after hose...my ear was full of mud

 shirt

 letting dad drive me to dinner in the jeep 

dad with his pro beats and new computer explaining why eggs are white...VERY LOUDLY!!

 sunday jeep shopping w/ momma and picked up these bad boys at abbadabbas on the cheap!

rest of the weekend spent napping, reading, and a tiny bit of work.

i know alot of people saw the video of the boy with two moms addressing his state congress....he wrote a book "my two moms" and i am picking it up one night this week when i finally wrap the dragon trilogy. in other news, SoCal's birthday present will be here tuesday or wednesday and i can't wait!!!

two more weekends until four days of palm springs with my lady!

meemaw's.five.

1. meemaw broke her damn arm.
2. meemaw is retiring...forcefully for the second time.
3. meemaw isn't driving anymore...forcefully.
4. meemaw is seeing a neurologist for alzheimer's.
5. meemaw is otherwise in perfect health.

it's been hard to wrap my mind around what this means; to really accept the things that are happening and the changes that are real. truth is, i'm half a year away from 28 and she is 84. she is our matriarch, our glue, my strength, and to many she is the sweetest soul on earth. she is confident and honest. emotionally she is a rock. she has lived the last 26.5 years without her husband and the last almost 14 months without her only son. she's a good sport when i tease her and a sponge when i teach her. my family is lucky to have her, to have learned from her, to experience life through the tiny elephant-like eyes that we all look to for comfort, reassurance, or our own happiness. behind those eyes is a woman that has spent the majority of her life away from her homeland and her family. a woman who knows heartbreak and heartache. a woman who has told me in some of my darkest hours, "when you get mad, you cry and that's ok. just do it and then move on."i'll lift her up anyway that i can - i adore the ground her size 5 feet walk on and i stand in awe of everything she is.

i have cried a little everyday this week, but i haven't moved on. i'm anxious to see her again and bend down to hug her little frame and kiss the cheek that comforts like the calm after a raging storm.

i am so happy that she met my girl last week, it was really really important to me. the picture of the two of them is super sweet.

bizzy.

that's how it sounds with an accent. today i had to remove the heads of several agents from their respective rectums. those are always fun conversations...especially for those that sit outside my office and can hear my side of the conversation.

disclaimer: apparently you can tell i'm from good ol' GA when i get good and pissed off. (also when i'm tired/sleepy).

regardless, things are looking rather impressive for april...yes already. three months in a row? yes sir. high fivin', talkin' shit, and tearin' in to reports.

i was even called a sweet heart by a client today....AND she has met me....in person :) clearly that was a day i was shakin' hands and kissin' babies....not fighting fire with fire. (aka spewing the profanities that roll so easily off my tongue).

seriously, i was in the office from 7a-5p and then workin' it from the home office and the cell phone from 5:50-7:45. wednesday needs to tread lightly.

emergency.response.testing.

in other words, the whole office worked from home today. i went to bed sort of early for me (as of late, anyway) and slept until 4. at 4 i let jake out, drank the last of the purple gatorade, jake drank water, i did a little work then we went back up to bed and slept until 7. nicely done eh?

day starts at 7 and waiting on everyone to "show up" took until a little after 9. then came the policing of who is actually working. a quick task search revealed that they were all working however all the asset manager's except for the few out of state AM's were saving all of their marketing plans and list price reductions for tomorrow. sneaky. i ran at lunch time...totally could get used to that idea. hit the grocery store at 5 and it absolutely doesn't feel at ALL like a monday.

i found out the kentucky v. kansas game doesn't even tip until 9:30. that means the championship game and the END to march madness will not be over until after midnight. there is so much money on the line that i have to know who wins (kentucky) before i go to sleep.

now? lounging on the couch...kind of reading...kind of looking around. i wish i didn't hate everything on t.v. perhaps i should start recording more shows so it's a little less painful.

bullet.fact.sunday.

- started my day with a call from a beautiful girl.
- cut the entire yard today....lil sunburn on the arms.
- still can't decide about the gardener, its a really good workout.
- dinner with mom, dad, uncle randy, and nana!!
- blizzards with nana. :)
- read more of what i call the nest in my swing chair.
- met some neighbors...i know, the introvert. shush.
- worked for a little over an hour to catch up for our "emergency" work from home day tomorrow.
- jake chewed up a paper "the fray" cd case while i was cutting grass.
- laid down to nap, then remembered i have a battle with insomnia going on and got up.
- layin on the couch with purple gatorade watching the ACMs
- added to "our" bucket list
- just got a text from dom regarding sara evans camel toe and on that note, i'm out.


spent all day saturday with my dad. we worked, ate, ate, ate, ate some more, and got hair cuts. then we drank beer and watched basketball.

nine.thirty.

somehow, i am not sleeping through the night. i haven't always been a good sleeper...i've certainly had my bouts with insomnia and sleep deprivation but nothing recently. i could go to bed at 9 or 10 and sleep until 5:30. now i go to bed at 11:30 and am wide awake at 4. i've always been able to operate on minimal zzzzz and i'm still operating just fine. problem is, jake now thinks we need to play and go outside between 3-4.

annnnnd there is another problem. i am not a fan of feeling like i should go to bed at 9, struggling to find something to do until 11 only to be up downloading moronic television shows on my ipad at 3. or 3:19. or 4:04 as has been the case this week.

life at the office is pure insanity. 110%. i love what i do. i love who i do it with. i'm good at it. not blowing smoke, i'm really fucking good at it. problem is, i don't know when to stop. i don't know how to put it away and do something else. i am passionate about performance. i am driven by our rank. i am motivated by success. i thrive on solving problems, skipping lunch, working late, and maintaining my reputation. that said, i have a breaking point. i dont think i have ever broken from stress, or the work load, the agents, or a territory. in fact, i dont think i've ever said no or walked away with questions unanswered, decisions not made, or utter frustration pushing me down.

i drove home in silence. complete silence. i had one conversation on the phone. one via text. then, i fucking stood up and decided that THIS IS WHY I AM WHERE I AM. i'm the captain of this ship and i'll be damned if a single pirate is going to tear down what my blood, sweat, and tears built from the ground up from 08 until now. i'm a performer. and perform is what we do.

TY to mom and dad who delivered dinner at 9 p.m. (salad, dont fret).

i am grateful it is thursday, that i have a team of some pretty amazing people at the office, that my boys hold me up even when they want to beat my ass, that starbucks was delivered to my office this morning, that mom and dad care enough to drive 30 minutes for dinner, that SoCal knows me well enough to say 'buck up', and that i have the sweetest four-legged boy that loves unconditionally.

and now it's ten.

not.kidding.

good grief. it is only wednesday....i feel like it should be some time next week after how long the last three days have been.

literally yesterday, when talking to SoCal, i decided that it was wednesday...then realized our evening schedules were not in line for wednesday and suddenly she forced me back to tuesday. ew.

today tom (thomas, train, sweet-t) took the brunt of my excessive force and excessive cussing. sometimes i don't have the patience required to maintain my composure after repeated episodes of bullshit. today i lost it....more than once. so after tom calmed my red ass down for the fifth time we went downstairs only to find out that it was HIS turn to buy our drinks! how is that for turning it around. today we picked starbucks sparklers....see the following PSA for more on that fiasco. thank you handsome for being my punching bag. yikes....and stop visiting the farm without me. you dick. :)

public service announcement: the starbucks sparkers are weird as hell! its some random green coffee that they flavor to taste like juice and basically t-sweezy got ripped the f off! $8 for 2. ha. sorry bout your luck...back to red bull tomorrow!!

love driving the jeep at night - last night was on the chilly side. alright it was borderline cold. if i didnt have such big muscles, i am fairly certain i would have been cold.

finally, (because i just thought of this!!) if i had a $1 for every comment i've gotten on one particular picture of SoCal dancing in the living room i could pay april's mortgage. (this could potentially be news to one ms. SoCal, if you didn't know, you do now!). my favorite so far is from my super country housekeepers. "my gosh she sure is purdy, damn she is real real purdy."

obsessed.

i am fairly certain this is casey james' new single...best song on his record. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

love the way you miss me -

Girl the way you’re talkin’ now
And everything we’re talkin’ about
ain’t no way, no how
I can put this phone down
Even though we’re miles apart
I can feel you touchin’ my heart
Lyin’ here in the dark
Wishin’ I was where you are

CHORUS:
Baby, you’re driving me crazy
Girl if I could, you know I would
Be right there right now
Baby, you’re making me lose my mind
And I’m counting down the days ‘til I get home
I love the way you miss me when I’m gone

CHORUS

You know what I want to hear
Girl you’re comin’ in loud and clear
Like sweet music to my ears
What I’d do if you were here

CHORUS

Girl I hate these nights
When I can’t hold you tight
Because I know by your side
Is right where I belong

be.

perfect reminder. thank you, love.

bulleted.news.sorta.

depending on who you are...this may or may not be exciting.

1. today, i slowly opened the mailbox to discover quite a few envelopes (i love gettiing the mail...nothing good ever comes (except rolling stone), but i still love it....e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!). i get inside and discover a white envelope from an attorney. finally, MY RECORDED DEED! officially official.

2. aggravated the sciatica issue that started 5 years ago. i had gone two full years and three months without a flare up...pain in the ass....literally.

3. spent two hours talking to my aunt friday night. she spent quite a while talking about the way that i write...it's the best way that i can get my point across. effective writer. if only words flowed out of my mouth this easily. regardless, thank you. i do love a comma.

4. my boy has been super snuggly this last week.

5. no thanks to SoCal, jake is still off the bed which means folding laundry in my room instead of down the hall is fab-u-lous. pretty sure he knows who the soft one is.

6. truth, i wasn't going to shop for clothes and then, all of my dress clothes were HUGE on me. who cares, except for the three day client visit..seriously tragic looking pants and shirts that could very well hold two of me now. my girl forced me to express to get enough to get me through the week...thankful for that. whew. that oversized-playing-in-your-dad's-closet look would have been a hot mess.

7. finished the girl that played with fire.....this trilogy has me captivated. it is very gruesome in parts and many people thought i couldnt get through it. lisbeth salander is my freakin fiction she-ro. bad ass beesh.

8. bought the sweedish blu-ray box set. soon as i get through the hornet's nest it is ON!

9. still weigh 117 though several of you are trying to change that. f'ing stop.

10. gold starbucks card...yes bitches, i am that into it.

11. black, neon yellow, and red running/trail/training shoes are on the way. dr. c doing his thing to cure the "leggish butt" before they get here.

12. not sure if anyone has noticed but i am excited as hell to be back to see my girl in less than two weeks."it's not that bad, could be two years," well thank you for that, gorgeous.

13. lionel richie's duets album = love! couple of them make me wanna dance....but i wont!

sun.day.ram.blings.

currently stuck with one blue eye and one red eye. i'm not sure if it was weed remnants on my fingers or shampoo but it burns and looks amazing...

now i remember why i pay someone to cut the grass and put chemicals on it and trim bushes.....i'm certain i wouldn't mind so much if the yard was smaller.....i.e. not on a big ass corner.

i've had my face glued to the tournament since thursday night or my nose stuck in a book. some people are just nerds...i own it.

woke up this morning with waffles on the brain (this is a common occurrence). texted my dad to see if he was kidding about making waffles. he said he wasn't kidding and to come on...i have wondered all day if he made them because i asked or because he was already making them. regardless, there was the perfect amount of batter. coincidence? i dont buy it.

laundry going. iPad charging. jake sleeping. fans spinning. lungs tightening. girlfriend flying.

right before i started cutting the grass, i checked SoCal's flights....both the one from FL to ATL and the one from ATL to CA. i'm not amazing at math (and totally rely on SoCal for all number related questions) so it took a second to register. almost 90 full minutes in Atlanta. wheels start turning (slowly because it's the weekend!) i hustle and get the big side and the front...and decide i dont have time to do the little side yard. quickly shove the mower in the garage and make a run for the shower. i'm in the midst of drying my hair when my phone dings. something to the effect of if my flight is delayed your ass better be there. at which point i blow my own cover....ill be there anyway. clearly i forgot that my girlfriend is paranoid flyer...kind of like myself and the idea of her going back through security to make her flight home means EVERYTHING must go off without a single hitch. what i also failed to remember is that in the last few months several of her flights have had little delays.

as badly as i want to see her, if only for 5 short minutes, i didn't make the drive. good thing because after she turned her phone off, 10 minutes later she turned it back on. they had a 27 minute delay before take off which shortens the layover considerably.

distance is hard...but i wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. when three weeks sounds like forever and feels like an eternity she reminds me that it's not two years. it's the little things she says that knock the air out of my chest. i'm grateful for every text, call, email, skype, flight, weekend, and mini vacation (soon). i appreciate her and every second we connect, both in person and on opposite sides of this country. soul shaker. it's perfect.

break.

because sometimes we can't keep going until we break. this morning...is one of them.

last night i realized that nettles has sang duets with SO many people...mostly live on award shows.

adele - chasing pavements
lady gaga - you and i
matt nathanson - run
rihanna - california king bed
beyonce - irreplaceable
ronnie dunn - let him fly

however, the BEST award show performance came in 2009 on the ACMs, check it. lyrics are hot...and her performance is less polished and rehearsed than some others. i do wonder how long it took mr. bush and mr. patton to teach her that itty bitty mandolin part.

what i'd give

adorn.wednesday.love.

i have been thinking about this cover for the last 27 hours...for real. i found gabe a few years ago and he is phenomenal. OTS is his one take sessions. he sings and plays the song one time through....and that is what he uploads. this video sounds unreal on the studio beats....(and i'm sure the pro's). the acoustics on adorn pretty much force me to geek out. yes! no lie, this is 1000x better than miguel's original. wednesday love!

lyrics:

Yeah, these lips...
Can`t wait to taste your skin baby
No, no
And these eyes, yeah
Can`t wait to see your grin...
OOh baby
Just let my love
Just let mu love adorn you
Please baby, yeah
You gotta know x 2
You know
That I adorn you
Yeah baby
Baby these fist...
Will always protect ya lady
And this mind oh,
Will never neglect you,
Yeah baby,
Oh baby
And this thang
Trying to break us down
Don`t let that effect us,
No baby
You just got to let
My love...
Let my love x 2
Adorn you
Ahh, le, le, le let it
Just adorn you
You got to know
You got to know
Know that I adorn you
Just that babe
I, oh
Let my love adorn you baby...
Don`t you ever
Don`t you let no one
Tell you different baby
Always adorn you
You got to know
You got to know x 3
Now yeah...

march.madness.

truth: tonight i showered and almost put on b.ball shorts and a cut off shirt to watch these first two play-in games, instead soccer shorts and a real t-shirt.

once i actually got home and realized how nice it was outside i was looking forward to peeling a little of the jeep top off and hitting the backroads...then i showered and died on the couch. that is no exaggeration.

it's been a few weeks since i have watched any basketball games where it didn't matter and i could just sit and not have to TRY to be quiet - tonight success.

in fact, i remember in early february my mom asked if SoCal had watched a football or basketball game with me. the answer, "uh, no. she doesn't need to experience that yet." this past friday night while the SEC tournament was going on she got a wee little glimpse into the passion and emotion tied to "important games." funny!

later, texting about our next 3.5 weeks apart while she criss crosses the country for work and i hunker down for another end of month sprint to top tier i reminded her that by the time i'm back the tournament will be over. her response "good!" though she did immediately follow with, just giving you a hard time :).

western ky's comeback these last five minutes vs. miss valley state has been incredible.

mom stocked the fridge inside and out while i was gone. fresh milk and a new box of cereal? yes please. cereal time since i was virtually in a coma when the call for dinner rolled in.